One Steamy Romance

Where are You?

2011-08-22T22:10:00.000-07:00

How coud you just leave me one day and that day no longer have any emotion for me? I still love you and I miss you. I miss your breakfasts, I miss your touch, I miss your jokes, and mostly I miss making love with you, snuggling in the bed with you. I hope you never find even close to the same kind of sexual compatibility again. If fact, I curse any relationship you have, I curse it with all bad sexual outcomes.

Need

2011-01-24T18:46:00.001-08:00

I have such a tremendous need to make love with you, feel you inside me, touch you, smell you. I love you so much still and it hurts me so badly that you just stopped loving me one day. I hate you for that.

Now

2011-01-16T21:20:00.000-08:00

It has haunted me how you took the condoms from the medicine cabinet when you left. I have nightmares about what you are doing with them. Love for you has a very short expiration date, doesn't it?

2011-01-01T22:08:00.000-08:00

I still love you. I wish with all my might that I didn't.   I know you are seeing TO and that is why you left me and never even wanted to have anything to do with me again.

In your marriage with George, after you two separated you still saw her almost every day for months and then on a very regular basis after that.

You left me and never wanted to see or talk to me again.   I know that it's because you have somebody else and you just stopped loving me one day.   It hurts so badly

I HATE YOU FOR THIS.

Monday, Dec. 6

2010-12-06T06:26:00.000-08:00

This weekend was bad. I was lonely and I felt so sad.   I cried a lot. I am crying still, right now.   I hadn't heard anything from him in 2 weeks or more and then I got a brief email asking me to hurry up and get the divorce done.

It made me so upset.   I know without a doubt that he is seeing somebody else or it wouldn't be a priority.

He was married to someone else for years and wouldn't do anything to get divorced, and it nearly killed me.

He is such a jerk. I know he definately doesn't love me now but I don't think he ever did.

I imagine when he gets the decree around Christmas, he and his new lover will celebrate and then make fun of me and my sorrow....
Please God let me HATE him, please, take away all good feelings.

I hurt

2010-12-01T19:40:00.000-08:00

I am hurting so bad tonight.   The pain just keeps going and going.   It was so awful the way he treated me a couple of weeks ago when we had lunch...it's like he went out of his way to rip some stuff out of my heart.   I was looking down at my food sobbing and he just kept going on and on.   He complained about how I unfriended him on facebook (after he told me he no longer wanted any relationship with me...except that he said ...someday....maybe in the future....someday.....we could have a conversation again...or something like that.   He told me he wanted nothing to do with me otherwise and it seemed like he was blocking me from seeing his facebook so I unfriend him so I could stop myself from checking over and over to see if there was anything new.

Days after I unfriended him (only because it seemed he had already sorta done that), I got another request from an old boy friend to be his facebook friend. I accepted it. Remember, Jerry said he wanted no more relationship with me and he was no longer my facebook friend.

Why would he care who was or wasn't a contact on facebook since he didn't even want to talk to me on the phone anymore, we weren't friends on facebook and he didn't want me.

He has been mean to the extreme.   He either has no contact or kicks me when I am down...and I am so so down.

I actually asked a guy at the studio if he wanted to be a simple friend to hang out with at an occasional movie or something and he totally blew me off.

As if I hadn't felt bad enough about things.

J has had no contact with me.

I know he has somebody else.

I know how he is.   He wouldn't even pretend to date me until he asked his wife 6 to 8 months after she kicked him out and she gave him her blessings.   That's the way he does things.

I hate him and I love him. I hope hate wins out soon.

Yesterday

2010-11-07T20:25:00.000-08:00

I told him that he left a bag of clothes in the kitchen and asked what he intended to do with them.   He drove 6 hours round trip for a bag of old long johns. He came to town and called me on the phone. First time and I guess only time he called me with his number revealed.

He told me he was in town to get his bag. I asked if I could see him.   He said no.

I begged him to have intimate relations with him every way I knew how, humiliating myself. He said no.

I am pathetic.

I sent him a text message later and asked him to reconsider having sex with me, even though he doesn't want me anymore. Sex was great between us and why not have sex every now and then.   I want no other man.   He never wrote back.

I sent him a text tonight and asked if he might just want to talk to me.   I asked him to text if he did.   I never heard from him.

I get the message. . .no message.

I know that I miss him so badly I will use his number and he will hate me more.   So I had my daughter delete his number from my phone and call history.

I lived and still loved a man for five years who treated my children like gnats and who thought of me as a crutch to help him pay his way.   When it finally got to me and I blew like a volcano after years and years of begging, he decided he was done.   He never said much about the money, just said it was all my fault about the kids because I wouldn't let him do things his way.   ....like that explains why he would sit in a room with one of the girls and just occasionally say something negative like he was swatting at the gnat.

I still love him.

Stupid, stupid me.

Stupid.

Today

2010-11-03T21:32:00.000-07:00

It's all so hard.  It's all so humiliating.  He called me once from a private number and told me that what he wants to do is get a divorce, he wouldn't give me the phone number.

Then he sends me this cold brief email asking when would be a good time to call.   He has my number, he knows my routine. Why does he act like he has to make an appointment. He knows I can't call him because he dailed star 69 or made his number private so I can't call it.

I told him he could call anything after 10:30 after the kids went to bed, but if all he wanted to talk about was business matters with ending our relationship, I couldn't do that.

He hasn't called.

I emailed him and asked him for an address.   He wrote back and gave me one a day or two later.   That's all he said.

He knows he can call me anytime but I can't ever call him.   He has said such bad things about me that not even one person whom I thought were my friends too, have asked me if I was ok. Nobody. It really really hurts.

I have such bad times at night from the time I get home until I fall asleep.

It is not right for him to be able to call me anytime (not that he does, he has no more desire to ever talk to me again).  But, I can't call him and ask him for an address, or tell him there is mail, or ask him why the lawnmower doesn't work, or tell him that he left a big garbage bag of clothes sitting right in the kitchen floor.   I don't know if he wants it or he meant for me to throw it away.

The fact not one person I know has asked if I am ok, means that he has told likes and destroyed what people think of me.

He says he is staying at Greg's.   I haven't seen one single post on facebook from him. I think he has blocked me from all interaction.   I did see Tammy's post about how she had dinner with Jerry and Barb and Greg, the foursome of them. I guess the best thing to do would be to unfriend him from facebook. Then I wouldn't be tempted to check it all the time to see if he posted anything,if he has changed his marital status or has pictures of him and some bimbo. The he could be free to post anything he wants about all the new loves he has or all the new hates he has without worrying about me seeing them.

I guess the only thing that he wanted to talk to me about in his one line email to me was that he wanted to tell me to forward his mail and he wanted to know when I was going to draw up divorce papers and send them to him.

He was such a jerk to my kids and so stingy and wrong about paying his share of the marital expenses, that I think he behaved that way on purpose so he could move to Cinti, have the sympathy of all his friends, have all of them hate me, and then have whatever woman he's got on the line.

I should make him wait for years for a divorce like his last wife did.   He is being so terrible to me.   He can file for divorce anytime he wants and hire an attorney.   I'm not doing all the damn work though, when he won't even write proper emails or give me a number to call him.

I feel so sad

2010-11-01T12:01:00.000-07:00

It's been since 1:00 a.m. Friday night since I last talked to him and that may be the last time ever.   I really miss him and I would give almost anything for him to hold me.   I know now that all he wants is for me to send him divorce papers, for him to sign them and for us to never have any other contact.

I have news for him. Even if I sent the papers (I don't even have an address or phone number for him), and he signed the papers, I couldn't file them. I don't have the money. I am not paying for it alone.

I feel so terrible. I feel so sad.

The one time I have heard from him since he moved out, he called me at 1 a.m. (an arranged time). He blocked his phone number, as if I am so pathetic he had to block it so I wouldn't call him all the time. I can't call to tell him anything he left certain things here, about mail he may need, to ask him why the lawn mower won't work or anything. And - he won't write me an email.

I just wanted him to wake up and see how terrible he was to my children, how nonexistent they were to him. I wanted him to be more a part of things, more financially responsible, and not just ride on my bumper.

He thinks he was right.   He thinks his treatment of my kids was either right or my fault, I am not sure because he alternated between the two.

I was so angry like a volcano at how many times I had asked him to be - more and he refused.

Judging from what he has told me, it doesn't matter if I begged him, talked liked an encyclopedia or yelled and screamed. He has now decided he was right all along and our views on child rearing and money were too different for us to have any more involvement.

He believed in loving on his kids all the time and doing things with them.   He believed in ignoring my kids.

He believed that I should pay for most things in the home because the kids in the home were not his.   He believed that he should have the benefit of their dad's child support.

I still love him.

Damn, that sucks.

Finally talked

2010-10-29T23:15:00.000-07:00

He called me tonight at 1:00 a.m.   He told me that he realized that our views on parenting and money were just so far apart we would never have worked.   He told me that he was right and if I had let him interact with the kids however he wanted, things would have been fine. Never mind that I mostly paid for everything, but that's beside the point.

I asked him, do you mean that you didn't even speak to the girls day after day because "I wouldn't let you interact the way you wanted?"   (He didn't interact at all)

He said he wasn't getting into that, it had all been argued and I was wrong about it all.

He said to give him a time and he would call me again when I wasn't so tired.   I told him several times that I loved him.

He finally said, "I told you I would always love you".

He said we would never have worked, our views were too far apart.

I asked him if that meant we were done and he said "don't put that on me". I said no, the ball is in your court. He wouldn't answer.

He just said there wasn't anything more to say, it had all been said.   I asked him if that meant that he wanted me to mail him divorce papers and he said, yes, that is what it means.

How do I feel?   Sad, lonely, lost. Unloved. Scared.

Friday

2010-10-29T09:07:00.000-07:00

Here I am again. It's my mother's birthday. I am crying again.   I can't do my work, I keep crying.

I feel so lonely.    He must have given his friends a real sob story for them all to ignore my emails.

He just packed up his stuff in the rain and left.   He even took the anciently old microwave.   It was worth about $5.   He didn't even take anything like that when he left his prior wife's house, not one dish.

But he took the microwave that the kids and I had been using, after all of us (including him) had the benefit of two brand new ones which blew up.

I ramble on.   The microwave doesn't matter.

Lonely and sad

2010-10-28T18:12:00.000-07:00

I cried all the way home from work.   I cried while I fixed pizza crusts with olive oil and herbs and put them in the oven. I am all alone.   My children are with their father. I've had no contact from him since I called him on Tuesday, the day he left me.   No emails or phone calls.   No word from him or of him.

Clearly he has told his (once our) friends some bad things about me or they would want to know how I am doing.

I am doing badly.

I am pathetic.

I am crying again, listening to the computer whirl, the dog is squeaking her toy.   The ceiling leaked again.   His ear phones are gone, his glasses are gone, he is gone.

I want to talk to him or hold him so badly.

I know we couldn't live together because he couldn't be a husband and step father, even a very good roommate but I wish things had ended differently. I wish I hadn't been so angry. I wish I had taken some of the love he was offering. I wanted it and needed it so badly.

I bet he is drinking it up with his buddies or with his new love, making fun of me.

Conversation just now

2010-10-28T10:18:00.000-07:00

I work with my father.   I hate every second of it.   This is the conversation we just had:

Father: So what's got you in such a funk lately?

(I've been sick for about a year, I hurt all over, I took medication that made me sicker, my ex husband and his wife wrote 10 page hate letters to me if my kids wanted to miss one hour with their father, my husband didn't care, and .....my husband just left me because he didn't want to be my partner.)

Me:   What hasn't got me in a funk?

Father:   Well, you look fine. I mean you don't have any outward signs of broken bones or anything.

(How sympathetic he is.)

Me: (I look down at the floor and get ready to cry again).   (For the past year, I have averaged crying about 5 minutes of every hour.   For the past month, I have averaged crying about 15 minutes of every hour. For the last 4 days I have cried about 45 minutes of every hour).

Today

2010-10-28T07:02:00.000-07:00

You are gone.   I have asked you a long time to be my partner, to be a stepfather, to particpate and help me in life.  You wouldn't do it.   It hurt me so long and so cumulatively, I finally snapped. I told you to leave. I couldn't live with someone who was so rude, no absent, where my kids were concerned.   I looked at it through their eyes one day, and I thought how sad that they have to live in a home where the so called stepfather says someone only every 72 hours or so like "who put cereal in the sink", or "I believe your mom told you to pick up your socks".   It hurt on behalf of my kids too.

The day before yesterday he brought a Uhaul with his buddies and took everything that was his, including the crappy old microwave the household had been using and the recycling bin I had bought. He also left a huge garbage bag full of clothes in the kitchen floor.

I miss him so much.   I didn't want him to go.   I just wanted him to be my husband, my husband, not Sandy's. I wanted him to work toward a life with me.   I wanted him to help me with the kids, not ignore them.   I wanted him to be in my life.

I feel so bad now.   I hurt all the way from the top of my head to my knees, from my breastbone to the skin of my back. The sorrow runs do deeply.

I went through so much nastiness with K and B (ex husband and his wife).   My husband never asked me about it. I cried about it all the time. He never asked me why, never wanted to know anything.   Every day I dealt with it, and every day my husband remained apart from it and me. My ex and his wife stood together in their attacks and nastiness against me. I was all alone.

I don't know why I feel so bad.   I love my husband so much.   I still do, just as much.

How do I make the love go away.

He left for awhile and just kept telling my friends and family that I was wrong and that I was crazy even though I had been begging him to help pay more for expenses, and to be part of the household.    He would concede a little and then take it all away.   He blamed me for all those years.   We were married 2 years or so and dated 2 years or so before that.   All those years he was mean or absent regarding my kids. He said it was my fault because I wouldn't let him do things the way he wanted.

That enraged me.

Anyway, he is gone and I have no one and no body to talk to.   No one calls me except the occasional chicken ring of the phone with people wanting money from me.

My husband and I had friends together.   They are all rallying around him, patting him on the back, poor you, while he tells them I am crazy, wrong and that I kicked him out. So they have all disowned me and no one even posts to me on facebook, calls, checks on me or anything.

My mother has been terrible to me.

WTF

2010-06-10T21:14:00.000-07:00

I came home late from the store. I talked to Chris Hayes, brought all the stuff in from outside and then talked a long time to Laurie. There is nothing weird with Chris Hayes, haven't seen him since he came to the office about a year ago and only've had emails and such. He's just an acquaintenance. He talked about NPR, photography and stuff. He's just wordy. Laurie and I were talking about making stuff, food, henna, etc.

Right as I was getting ready to come home, this pain started in my elbows. It was significant and became quite intense around the time I came home. I remember opening the back of the car to show Laurie a table I bought as I was getting ready to leave. My elbows felt ok then. Soon after that the pain set in and radiated down to my hands. It also did in my hips and my feet. Every joint hurt, mid back, neck, knees, jaw. My hips and elbows hurt intensely.

It was really bad and I began to cry. I was going to the computer again to look up symptoms but couldnt find anything. I hurt so bad. I walked around but my hips felt very stiff and sore. I felt very bad. Headache, hot, sweaty.

I've been sick all week and Jerry has been vile, absolutely vile toward me.

I was on my way to use the computer again when I felt I couldn't take another step. I just wanted to ease the pain. I got on all 4s by Camille's closet. It hurt to lock my elbows, it hurt my hips. I coulnd't get comfortable. I was crying from the pain.

Jerry came and stood in the doorway, aloof and said "what are you doing there on the floor?" in a very angry way. He was mean. I climbed up and he marched into the bedroom, with his back to me. He showed me no sympathy, no feelings of love. NOTHING BUT HATRED.

NOTHING BUT HATRED

I was crying. I managed to get up and started to follow him until I saw him go in the bedroom. The tV and living room lights were off. Lately, he has been putting his lips to the top of my head and going to bed, telling me goodnight and then shutting the bedroom door. I felt like there was some kind of forcefield keeping me from going to the bedroom too. Like he was telling me I couldn't come in there. Some nights he didn't even tell me he was going to bed.

I went into the living room and sat on the couch. My hips and elbows were so sore and stiff. I was crying from the pain and the way he was being. He said that I was supposed to be home at 8 and I didn't get home until 11 and I didn't give him any explanation. That's the first thing I said, I apologized and explained.

He said I didnt have any pain at the store. I was crying so hard. I was sitting on the couch balling. He came and threw a photograph at me of a group wedding shot from the wedding of Bill and I. He said it was on the bed, that he found it in "our bed". It must have been when I dumped the junk box out looking for pieces of broken jewelry to use on the little green chair.

I cried so hard. He doens't care about me. Don't EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER believe he does again.

I was in so much pain and miserable. I was out of my mind with a broken heart, misery and pain that I left. I was crying so hard I couldn't breathe. I left. I had nowhere to go. I drove to the office. Here i am. I love him but I hate him.

Hate must prevail because he IS EVIL TOWARD ME. HE HAS TURNED INTO SOMEONE WHO REALLY REALLY DOES HATE ME.

Now here I am at the office, no bra, jeans, headache, miserable. Still have pain

The next thing

2009-03-25T22:02:00.000-07:00

You first got angry when you saw me emailing Camille's teacher, like I promised her I would. Her teacher asked me if I could swing a day to assist in a field trip to help her class learn about Kentucky, Carter Caves, bats, caves. I was very pleased that she asked me and that the kids were excited about what I told them the day I visited.

You sat by me while I wrote the email to Ms. Williams. I promised her I would send her possible dates and it took me from Thursday last week until now to think about it.

I thought about it and decided that the day would be pretty important to the teacher, the classroom and mostly, to my daughter. It would be a day she would remember forever. She may not even go to that school with her pals next year.

So I sent her a few possible dates. I told her at the time that I would send dates, we could schedule it and I would try to come but there would be a possibility with the short allowable time frame, that something in my work would prevent my attendance. She wanted to press on.

You assumed I haven't a brain in my head, any morals, that I don't do anything all day. You decided that you had to save me from myself. Only you know what's best. I am too stupid to know.

You said that you know how I am, that I will overschedule things and then get harried and.....then you implied that I might ask for your help with something. And, I guess, that is the worse thing that could happen to you, that you might have to get involved a little more or do something for me.

I know now why you refused (despite my begging, despite me telling you it was important to me, despite me asking you to please please please do this for me) to use that pain patch last night, even when it would have provided you significant relief. You were afraid, either consciously or subconsciously, that if you took the patch and it provided you with relief...., when I had some kind of pain or problem, I might then seek your help.

It upset me very much how you kept on and on tonight, trying to tell me what to do. You couldn't stop with telling me what to do before I emailed her. You couldn't stop after we went into the bedroom either.

It upset me also earlier when I told you how I am feeling about my jealously that Bill and Kathy get a long honeymoon at a Jamaican resort while we got a very short one in Ky. Who in the world wouldn't at least think about and have feelings about that? I told you how I was feeling in one small sentence and you became upset, saying it was wrong toward you, unfair to you.

I recoiled, knowing we don't have the kind of relationship where I could explain to you how I was feeling because you either don't or don't listen. I knew that in you mood all you were going to do was jab, not listen. I couldn't bare the stress. I just couldn't. I asked you to leave me alone and you didn't have anything to do with me for days.

Now, you think you can order me like I am some child.

I was and am very disturbed by the things you have been saying to me lately: how you said that thing about the phases, how you said "no wonder nobody likes you" or something like that, and then worse of all how you said that you have eyes and you can see that it is not at all like I think, about how much I do, how tired I am, how I am always doing things for others, not me. I reminded you about the 4 a.m. night, that night (very recently) I worked from 10 a.m. to 4 a.m. (18 hr day) I went to bed at 5 a.m. then went to work at 10:30 again. Every time someone else picks the kids up from dance, I work late. The week before the dance competition I worked late several nights. I worked very late on Friday night that weekend, getting home just before you got there with your kids. I spent all weekend going to the store, getting ready for Charleston without rest, went to the competition (slept very little at the hotel) got back into Catlettsburg at 8:30 p.m. and then dragged all the kids into the office so I could get files to work into the night. I got the stuff into the house, got the kids to bed and then worked on my file beginning at 11. I worked until 2 then went to bed. I got up at 5:45 and worked on the case again I had to take the kids to school.

All of that plus getting a cold brought me down myself and I felt pretty bad Thurs and Friday. You think you are entitled to have an entire day to yourself, day after day and when the most you do is spend a hour cleaning up the kitchen, and another hour maybe doing other domestic things, you think you are seriously put out but you see me on the go from 7 a.m. to midnight, trying to keep all the parts of my life together and you say to me "I see what's going on". If you really did, you would never have said that to me.

With these trials coming up, particularly Jeff Fields, I will be extremely tired. I will be extremely stressed. I will have hour after hour, day after day of nothing but stress. I thought and knew that having a day with Camille and her class, in which they would be happy and learn a great deal, would be something I could actually look forward to, when there is little else. It would get me through it all, a bright spot in a dark period.

Then after everything else, I had to deal with your commands, with your superior attitude like you can tell me what to do, like you know more about things than me.

I know you are telling yourself for the 50th time again, you did nothing wrong, you are not always wrong, you are doing everything you can, ......

I'm sorry, but when I try to carve out a little thing for myself and yet have you act like you have the right to override my personal decision and tell me what to do, it was just too much.

I couldn't lie down after that happened. I could hear my pulse in my ear. My chest felt tight. I paced the floor for about 10 minutes and then I came into the bedroom to explain why it was wrong for you to be that way and why it was right that I gave Camille's teacher dates. You were asleep so I talked to the computer instead.

HE SAYS HE DOESN'T FIT.

2008-09-26T20:27:00.000-07:00

On Monday, I worked a full day, took care of Camille, went to the grocery, and then had to come home and prepare food for Tammy Jo's. I was already tired when I got home, particularly because I had worked much of the weekend with the henna booth. Jerry had elected not to have anything to do with me Friday, it was too much trouble for him to drive 20 miles to see me any.

I was on my feet until 1 a.m. while Jerry got home at 5:30 yet played on the computer, watched TV, talked on the phone, and did his usual habitat things. He didn't help me for one second. He couldn't be interrupted rom his play to help me ANY. NOT ANY. I was so freaking tired. I had to help Camille with her homework and read to her and get her in bed. While I was spinning my wheels, going 1,000 mph doing all of this, he was trying to get my attention too, wanting more from me, rather than giving one tiny DAMN ABOUT ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You are such a stupid idiot Lisa.

Days went by when he didn't look at me or have anything to do with me.

He made no apologies for ignoring me and not helping me Monday.

Nothing.

He just played and slept as usual. Didn't ask me ONE DAMN THING. He used me to talk about his day and stuff but gave me nothing.

Days went by without anything.

I got tired of it and I said I want a partner. I asked him why he doesn't want to be my partner. HE SAID HE DOESNT' FIT. He doesn't fit me enough to be my partner. He has no guilt toward me. He is fine with letting me pay most of the bills, letting me take care of my kids alone 100%, never interacting with them, only occasionally interacting with me. He is fine with spending 6 hours in the evening playing while he leaves all the responsibilities to me.

WHEN I ASK HIM TO DO MORE, TO DO SOMETHING, HE SAYS HE DOESN'T FIT.

I GUESS HE ONLY WANTS HIS REAL WIFE SANDY.

I HATE HER BECAUSE HE THINKS HE FIT HER.

Things pretty good right now.

2008-08-05T11:26:00.001-07:00

My children are in Canada with their father at a cottage. Jerry and I had Em and Jarrett this weekend and we will be alone the rest of the week. It will be the first time in a long time without children.

We have been getting along pretty well for the last few weeks, generally since our vacation began. Jerry had several bad days after we got home from our vacation. He got used to having his kids around and missed them, didn't want to go back to our and thought he had lime disease. All of this combined to depress him.

After a few days though he came around. I feel pretty close to him and love him lots.

Now

2008-07-24T11:06:00.000-07:00

I gave him a week of vacation, a week and a half with his kids (the most time he has spent with them in a row since Sandy kicked him out) and we got along fairly well. We get back home and he becomes very sad, down, and tells me he is extremely unhappy. Everything seems terrible to him. Rather than being glad that and happy that he spent an intensive 1 1/2 weeks with his kids (something I guarantee he never did before) and being grateful to me for making it happen, he is merely rolling around in the sadness that he doesn't live in the house with Sandy anymore.

He will not be happy until he is away from me and living in Cincinnati. He will either move back in the home he owns with HER and get with her again or live somewhere else. Either way, even if he sees his kids less than he does now, he will be happier.

He will be happier just because he will think he is close to the kids even if he doesn't see them. It will cost him way more than $425 to live there, to live without me, but he won't care. He will think it is better all around.

I love him and have enjoyed getting along with him the last week or two but despite that he is less happyt.

I feel so hopeless and sick.

and so it went until she went

2008-07-11T20:20:00.000-07:00

Everything is just the same, maybe worse, yes...worse. I cry every day. We went to Heather's and I tried to pretend that all these things don't matter to me. It seemed like we were having fun together. We got in the car to leave and I could immediately tell he was frozen up against me, gone from me. I was no longer in his realm of caring.

He barely spoke to me, I don't think he looked at me and he certainly NEVER talked NOR looked at Camille. Things remained that way the whole 9 hrs back. I said something to him and he told me he was being that way because I talked about how it might rain. He had packed the given furniture from Heather's in the trailer and Camille, Heather and Rick were acting all uptight about the weather. Camille is always wanting to know if it will rain and they were all discussing it. I said something like "I am sure it will be fine, if he rains or something we will just have to do something else". He said that the rain wouldn't hurt the chairs and then Rick said he wasn't worried, but I think it was Rick who started out talking about it.

Apparently me saything that if it rained, we would do something else, like cover them up differently or something in order to show that Jerry was on top of it to Rick and that we weren't thumbing out nose at the given things, apparently that made Jerry very mad at me and he pushed me out of his life again. I didn't realize it at first. I told him I knew how to get back the way we had come but he made his own turns out of the neighborhood without asking me and then went the wrong way. He was mad at me, turned off from me and Camille, who is just a sweet precious 5 year old. When we got home, after an hour or two he told me why he was being that way toward me, because I had talked about it raining.

It was like he tripped me. I can't believe he loves me so little that he alienates me because I talked about rain. He stayed alienated from me for days. I felt so sad, so lonely, so alone, alienated, unloved, betrayed, ugly, it made me realize all the things that were wrong with us again. I got sadder and sadder.

We had to pick up Jarrett and Emily on Wednesday and he barely spoke to me for hours, after days of me trying to get him subtly to stop being that way toward me. He finally asked me why I was crying and I told him that there was so much wrong. First he had been mad over the rain talk and then I told him about all the other things. I started out talking about how much I have to pay and how little he will pay for living expenses. I tried to move on to how little he does around the house and how the extremely unequal

it doesn't matter

2008-07-02T20:45:00.000-07:00

it doesn't matter how much I try to talk to him. he is so desirous of holding on to his sit on his ass ways every evening, no paint, not chores, no nothing, just sit and watch this pretend wife wear herself out while the REAL FAT WIFE, WHOM HE REALLY LOVES, gets everything.

Let the stupid pretend wife do vacumming, cleaning, laundry, scrubbing, cooking, grocery shopping, everything else so he can sit on his ass all evening and chat to his buddies.

we have nowhere to go

2008-07-02T20:39:00.001-07:00

He sits night after night. On the computer, phone, tv. I cook or clean, take the kids to their activities, do the laundry, scrub the floors, do the dishes. My existence is minimal at best. I am nothing to him. He considers it more important to see me wearing down, dying in chores, than to stand up and do his share.

I pay for food. about 350.00 a month
cable 120.00
phone 120.00
gas 120
electric 120
trash 15
et.c
et.c
et.c

He says he only has to pay for himself, he is only him, hes not part of a blended family. He's just him. A bachelor living in a pretend bachelor world. There isn't any evidence of a marriage even save a 24 hour honeymooon and a couple of rings. Nothing changed.

He would rather see me wear out as an unhappy tired, exhausted, sad outcast kinda girl than change one thing.

I know he doesn't want me anymore.

I am so sad.

I should just end it all!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

What Am I Doing?

2008-06-03T22:14:00.000-07:00

You! How Sad and Unhappy you make me feel! Yes, there are small periods of good things (but mostly because I try to forget how unhappy you make me) but the larger portion of our relationship seems to bring me sadness. I don't know who I am anymore. I cry all the time, I feel like doing very little.

It seems like our past relationship is made up mostly of pain and the future holds virtually nothing for me. What do you want out of life anyway? You don't believe in God, you don't believe in Christmas, you don't even consider it a time of peace to share with family and enjoy the lights. Nope you hate it because you have to buy 3 presents, nevermind people like me and your prior wife who have dozens of Christmas related obligations. You don't want vacations with me...don't know about your real wives....although I know you had vacations with them. All I see is that if you go on vacation with me, you are afraid you will have to spend a buck. I guess the drawbacks are all in spending a buck, there are no benefits for you. Nothing good can come from spending a week or so in leisure activities with the people you claim to love. I know you love your kids...don't know much else about you. You like music, you like telephones, you like TV, you like computers, you certainly spend countless hours in those endeavors. I guess that is all the really makes you happy. Just the staccato ridiculous repetition, played over and over of getting up with dingy white walls, putting on your boots, going to work at the same occupation every day for the rest of your life, .....It's like Groundhog Day. Even if you relived the same Groundhog day for the rest of your life...as long as it included tv, phone, computer, some contact with your kids, maybe some kind of sexual thing...you would be happy.

Do you say fuck to all those people who think competition, ambition, art, love, compatability, family (except for your two children), progress, peace, and relaxation are important concepts?

What are we doing together? You have spit in my face at every important step we should have taken together. What the fuck am I doing? My head is spinning. I hardly ever sleep. I am fat, squishy, dry, ugly, unloved. Damn, Jerry Brandenburg, if you loved me, you wouldn't make me feel that way.

When it came time for you to get a divorce, you repeatedly told me to fuck off. Even though we had made promises to each other, they matter naught to you. You were holding on to that fat thing, to your life with her and the 20 year old white walls, your Christmases with her, your vacations with her, everything with her. You told me you weren't working on getting a divorce even though a year and a half had rolled by. You saw a vivacious, fit, happy, in love, attractive, stable person melt into.......ME! You saw me fall on the ground repeatedly in tears, my heart breaking, so sad I couldn't stand it. You had no reaction to it.

You kept telling me that you wouldn't push her to get a divorce no matter how long it took, no matter what happened to me, because you wanted to remain close friends with her so that you could see your kids whenever you wanted and so that you could get your child support lowered.

Ha. In the fucking end, you only get to see them when it is convenient to her and SHE decides not to over schedule them. In the fucking end, you paid more child support than you owed. In the fucking end you didn't even listen to me, you let her have SOLE custody when 95% of every other marriage with kids ends in joint custody. You refused to listen to me when I tried to get you to understand how much financial impact it would have on us, you letting Sandy have all your equity in the house. You tell me you are a tried old tree man, your body falling apat, and you have very little earning capacity. Yet, you doomed me and our relationship but letting go of the only asset you could bring to your marriage. Since you didn't want Sandy to have to make any calls, drive her car, mail anything, it was just too much trouble for her, you didn't want to say boo to her, you let her have the only financial resource you had, the house. You let her have it and now a HUGE burden instead falls on me, I have to pay for things you should be helping out with because you don't have any financial resources.

Why didn't I see? Why didn't I see how little HOW VERY LITTLE I TRULY MATTERED TO YOU? You would still be in the cracker box of a dingy white walled house with her, laying on your old dingy couch, if she hadn't kicked you out, wouldn't you?

When it came time to discuss the elements of your divorce after there was very little left of me, you told me to FUCK off again. Under no circumstances, you said, would you make your wife drive to a bank or make a phone call so that you could have an actual asset to take into a theoretical life with me. Nope. Fuck off Lisa you said. I will not make my wife have to figure out a different mortgage arrangement so that I can actually have something economic other than $425 a month to contribute. You will have to figure out a way for us to have a home Lisa. I will hide my head in the sand and deny that you pay 2/3 of our joint expenses. So what if Chloe and Camille have to live in the projects or in my jeep? It matters naught to me as long as I don't cause my wife any trouble because then I would have to pay more child support or not see my kids whenever I wanted.

It matters naught to him that we will never own a home together, that we will be forced to rent some dump, living in poverty because that is all she can afford. Hey, Lisa, I will get MY money from the house in 8 or 10 years because then the house will be paid off and then I will force my wife Sandy, with whom I've owned a home (while you and I have lived in a dump all these years) to then refinance, even though my kids will still live there. I wouldn't make her refinance when it mattered, why the fuck should I when the house is paid off. I assure you, Lisa, I will STILL profess that I don't want to cause the big fat chick any trouble. In 8-10 years, interests rates will suck even when they were at an all time low when you divorced. Because they will be higher in 8-10 years, you will just continue to let the WIFE have the house, all the equity. It's okay if you have little to contribute to a life with Lisa because she will work her ass off to take up the slack. It doesn't matter that Chloe and Camille, whom we will have uprooted and dragged away from EVERYTHING THEY EVER KNEW will have to live in a shithole because you didn't want Sandy to have to do any paperwork to refinance.

Lisa has a law degree and earning potential to contribute to the relationship. She is also always trying to find side things to fill in the gaps. You had the equity in your home but didnt' want to cause my darling wifey any trouble.

Well, after Lisa made herself not think about all the pain you had caused her and you finally did get a divorce after all that time and left your only real economic contribution to the new relationship with Sandy, after he was finally divorced.....did he do everything he could to make it up to Lisa, the person HE SAID he loved? Did he make up for all the pain he caused her, all the tears, how he had changed her from a vibrant, fit, happy person, to someone who felt repeatedly rejected? Hell, NO!!!! No.

What did he do?

He said.....I can't marry you. In his abject denial, he says he didn't say I can't marry you. He says I can't marry you right now. I am not asking you to marry me now, Jerry, I said. I am asking for us to talk about when. I can't talk about when, you fucking said. I can't talk about when until I can make my children an absolute promise that I will be in Cincinnati in a year or two. The only way you can make an absolute promise, is if I already lived in Cincinnati. You said that is what it would take....I would have to uproot my children from absolutely EVERYTHING and take them to Cincinnati alone and then you would consider talking about when we might marry because then you could make them the absoulte promise.

You told me many times that if you married me, you would betray your kids. You deny that now, which I can't believe, but you told me it many times.

It wasn't enough that you saw how sad you had made me all that time I wanted to be with you and you refused to get a divorce. How you looked at me with cold cold eyes when I cried so hard I couldn't see. No, you had to tell me you would betray your kids if you married me, even though you assured me that even after I dragged Bill and my kids through a possibly terrible court battle and lost, you would leave me anyway.

Why the fuck didn't I see what you were doing to me, you little you considered me, how little I mattered? Why didn't I put an end up my suffering and walk away from you? I hate admitting this, it is a terrible thing to face, but sometimes I wish I had walked away. At least I wouldn't feel this huge painful gap in my heart.

And it doesn't matter to you how hard I work around the house, how much more time I spend in domestic chores to you. You would lie or sit on the couch, talk on the phone, etc. and watch me fall over dead before you would consider me equal enough for you to think about making my life better by trying to more equally divide the chores, obligations and responsibilities in life.

Have you always been this way? Did you do that shit to Sandy or is it just me?

I think you must have done some of it to her because as soon as she kicked you out, she started to make herself feel better, something she must have wanted for a long time, by getting new furniture, sprucing up things, and yes Jerry.....PAINTING.

You refused to go on a vacation with me a couple of years ago when I very much wanted to spend some quality time with you. You made me suffer terribly just for the fun of it. You acted like I was a terrible person just because I wanted to spend a week with you. I remember that well but I am sure you would deny it.

You refused to bring your kids and share a hotel room with the girls and I so that they could see Chloe's dance competition. You didn't care that I was paying. You didn't care that it was important to Chloe and me. You didn't care... You made me suffer then too. Nope, you refused because Sandy's dad, your father in law was sick and somehow the kids having a nice weekend in a hotel was just too much in your mind for Sandy to think about. You didn't care what you rigid terribly mean refusal did to me.

These were all ominous signs of how little a life you wanted with me. Why didn't I heed them and walk away?

You refused to help me find a place for us to live when we were supposed to be planning a future together although you sure criticized it often enough.

You refused to help me move after I did find a place even though you weren't even living with Sandy at the time. She had kicked you out, you were living in your jeep, but you WOULDN'T help me move because you didn't want anybody to know about us. You had been out of the home you and Sandy still own together for 6 weeks at that time. (Lest you should ever read this and deny the 6 weeks thing...Sandy kicked you out Dec. 3, I moved in here on Jan. 16.)

You would barely even acknowledge you even knew me at all until YOU ASKED your wife if it was ok. I had to wait to be acknowledged until you ASKED YOUR WIFE if it was ok?

What an ominous sign, why didn't I walk away?

Your rigid, unbending, repetitive, denial of a life with me is killing me.

You refused to have anything to do with putting up or taking down Christmas decorations or cleaning up the aftermath even though you and your children reaped the benefits of it. "Please tell me you have a Christmas tree, daddy", they said. You assured them we did. You got lots and lots of Christmas presents from me and my family. Neverthess, no matter how much work I had to do because of your refusal to do YOUR SHARE, you still refused. You thought "Nope, I shall not have anything to do with the labor of Christmas even though I and my children benefitted. I want no part of the obligations in life, only the things I want to do. I shall only do the things I want to do in life even if it kills YOU. Even though you were very tired and disliked putting the Christmas stuff away too, I refused to put away anything or clean up anything because I don't like it.

It doesn't matter that you didn't like, Lisa. I do nothing I don't want, regardless of you. "

That really is the theme of our relationship, isn't it? I've been given that feedback from you so many times I could puke. And you blame my sadness and depression from basically November, 2005 until January 2, 2008 on my periods, hormones and 3 rimonobant taken in May, 2008.

You have said or thought these things and it sucks that you do:

"I will not go on vacation with you, regardless of you.
I will not do my share of the cleaning regardless of you.
I will not fold clothes, put them away, run the vacume regardless of you
I will not clean widows, tables, tvs, walls, dust regardless of you
I will not change sheets, dust, clean the computer area .......................
I will not pay my share of the cell bill ..........................
I will not pay my share of the bills ............................
I will not do things with you that make you happy ..........................
I will not spend more time with you in the evenings ....................
I will not have an outdoor sitting area .......................
I will not under any circumstances help care for your kids, you are alone in that....................
I will never take your kids anywhere ..........................
I will never cultivate a relationship with your kids .......................
I will never try to treat your kids like you do mine ............................
I will never buy your kids things ..........................
I will never drop your drycleaning off .........................
I will never help you be happy ..........................
I will not take on more household and kid responsiblity ............................
Even if that means you have 1/10 the time to yourself I have ..........................
I will only clean the bathroom about once every 14 months ........................
I will only do an hour of lawnmowing, my laundry,
and very rare dishes ............................
I will not be flexible where we live in the future .......................
I assure you that when we move to Cincinnati, it will have to be in Goshen cause the school system is fine for my kids, it doesn't matter how you feel about it .....................
I assure you that even after we move to Cinci, I will still only mow once a week and the rare dishes even though I have cut you off from all family help ........................
I will complain about dance regularly ..........................
I will NEVER PAINT (doesn't matter that one's surroundings and a nice looking home, the color of your walls, and a pleasant habitat are important. ................................
I will NEVER PAINT even though it is absolutely vital to you that you have a happy, pleasant and cheerful place to live...you can paint, just tell me when so I may leave you alone as long as it takes you to do the unpleasant labor... because I am so FUCKING selfish that even though I will
reap the benefits of a pleasant and cheerful home, I will NEVER PAINT, even though a happy place to live is vitally important to you since I HAVE TAKEN away every other facet of life from you...and if you die with absolute exhaustion when you are forced to paint alone for weeks
DON'T FUCKING CALL ME, REMEMBER, JUST CALL THE MORGUE ..................................

Jerry, we shouldn't be together. This isn't the life or lack of it that I want. I am very unhappy and things will NEVER be better. I am just discovering more and more disturbing things on a regular basis.

When you have taken away everything which once mattered to me and we live in a hovel with dingy white walls and, when I am depressed since I have only had pain in the past and nothing to look forward to in the future, when I am extremely fat and introverted and so fat I have to sleep in a CHAIR and wear stirrup pants, maybe then you WILL FEEL fulfilled.

Me, I want to die.

These days

2008-05-30T22:22:00.000-07:00

Today, I've had one of the worst headaches in a long time. I couldn't turn my head without serious pain, my neck was stiff, light hurt my eyes. I felt really terrible and the pain was intractable. I barely got through the day and when I got home, I lay down for several hours. Jerry didn't notice or care, didn't ask about it. He never checked on me or talked to me.

He has decided that he doesn't want to love me again. I feel really really deeply sad. We had been through a good period (more or less) of a few days and I felt happy until Wednesday. On Wednesday he was kissing me and seemed to love me and then he saw a little blister strip of rimonobant in the garbage.

I knew he wouldn't care about my reasons, wouldn't understand, doesn't care one bit about how I feel about gaining weight. When he asked me about it, I didn't tell him the truth. How could I? I did research about it and found it is being praised as a miracle drug of weight loss, virtually no side effects, can be taken long term and simply targets some receptor that makes you have food cravings and cigarette cravings. Deena wanted to try it for the smoking thing and I needed some help with my eating and drinking being out of control. We decided to try it so bought 84, split them in 2, each with 42. She tried a few, I tried a few. They don't do anything. Absolutely nothing. They simply are inactive. Either they are fake or the medication doesn't work. Anyway, I merely tried a few and when they did nothing I stopped trying them. I still have at least 35 of them so I didn't take enough to do any harm.

Jerry decided that he made me promise I wouldn't take any harmful diet pills. These weren't. Additionally, since I am an adult and have my own reasons, etc., in my opinion it was more harmful to turn to alcohol and food when I felt down because our relationship is so bad much of the time that I have been gaining weight.

Jerry did some reading on the internet and read that the drug can cause depression and because I took a few, well, then when I am sad when he treats me bad, then all the sadness he has caused me has been because I tried a few weight loss helpers.

It's ridiculous. I feel very happy when he is good to me. I feel very very very bad when he is bad to me. It seems that the bad is beginning to far outweigh the good. Nothing that is important to me matters to him. He would rather have killed me than get a divorce, move in with me, marry me, go on vacation with me, make a little garden area with me, help me out in the house and with the kids, etc. He justs wants to be a bachelor, free to do whatever he wants. He wants to have me occasionally to have sex with me and maybe a little cuddling in the night. He has very little other interest in me aside from that.

After a few days of things going well, I start to feel better. I find myself being afraid to feel better because it seems that the worse thing that can happen to me is when I am feeling happy and then he gets mad at me and the world comes crashing down. If I am not prepared for it and it happens, its very very bad.

How can it be the fault of a few little pills when I am happy and then he starts treating me badly and I am sad. How can it be the fault of a few little pills when a whole year before he told me that he would betray his kids if he married me? That incident hurt me so bad, the pain was so intense and it harmed severely the way I feel about myself. I had never even heard about rimonobant before that, nor tried a few of them.

I tried a few of them in the first week of May or so and since then haven't taken one. Nevertheless, when he treated me bad because he found a wrapper and decided he didn't want me anymore, and I become very sad and physically ill because of it, its the fault of the few pills I tried.

It's obvious that he doesn't care about me. All he cares is that there was a technical violation of HIS RULE. Not that I tried only a few and they did no good. Not the reasons that led me to need to try them. I needed something to get me off this terrible path BECAUSE I FEEL DEPRESSED AND SAD when he treats me bad and I turn to eating and drinking, causing me to gain weight.

I want very much to have time to myself and time to exercise. He told me in very very nasty words that hurt me very badly that he will have no part in helping me take care of the kids, no part in driving them and chauperoning them to their activities, no part in PICKING UP AFTER THEM, no part in any more of the financial issues, NOTHING. All he will ever do is pay the $400 rent per month and mow the grass once a week. He did get the car fixed which was a big huge help and very appreciated but every month I do things like that and he pays no attention.

As time goes by I get more and more sad about this relationship and how is all on me, all the obligations, but none of the joy. I have 2/3 of the financial burden but he just stubbornly denies it. I have 90% of the household tasks and he doesn't give a shit about that, just says it should be that way because he refuses to PICK UP AFTER MY KIDS. I have 100% of raising my children, he has NOTHING to do with them. He says about 15 words to them a day and thinks that is a huge sacrifice.

And he blames 3 pills I took weeks ago on the way I feel about life??? I am depressed because this life is sucking for me. I am getting fat because I am sad because my husband doesn't act like my husband. He acts like my boss who makes his little 1/10 contribution and goes along his solo merry way.

I am so sad. I don't think I shall survive this. It has nothing to do with 3 rimonobants which I hoped would save me from my eating spiral and it has nothing to do with my hormones. It's because Jerry just really doesn't love me like he should. He makes me feel so unloved and unworthy.

thats it. I don't know what will happen to me.

Last night

2008-03-12T20:49:00.000-07:00

Jerry is gone. He took his keys and left. I asked him to leave me alone, my heart is beating crazily and irregularly and I feel like I can't breathe. I am crying so hard I can barely see the screen. Jerry said he was sorry he doesn't understand and kept saying please. Then he sobbed a little and left.

It's the same old story. I slipped up last night and showed my person hood and he doesn't like that. I expressed an opinion different than his. I said a log cabin building show was boring and that the production was amateurish. He gave me a very disgusted look and stopped talking to me. I began melting then and this is 24 hours later.

After an hour or so last night, he went to pee and I grabbed the blanket and positioned myself, leaning my knees, so that I could tuck the blanket around me. He sat back down but refused to talk to me or look at me. He was watching his ax man show. I made a few comments about it but he refused to respond.

As time went on I felt worse and worse. I felt despairing. I have since then. He thinks so little of me as a person that he thinks if I speak out of turn or express my opinion, I don't deserve any respect, any interaction with him. After a time I asked him if he was mad at me. He said no but then he told me how upset he was at me for expressing my opinion about the log cabin production. I said that I had a right to say how I felt, he didn't respond. I felt the sand draining away from me again. I leaned my head over against the couch. After a short bit, Jerry raised his voice and said "things were just going too smoothly for you, huh?" That was so insulting It was he who made things unsmooth. I have a right to speak. Dammit why should I even have to remind him of that It was he who got made at me for speaking about the log cabin show.

If he doesn't learn how to treat me, like a person, like someone he loves, I will become the robot he wants or I will end this relationship. I think he will keep treating that way until I learn not to talk about anything ever for fear that he won't like it. Who will I be then? Sandy?

We went to bed without speaking. He reached out with his foot and my foot did the same but this morning he acted like it did not. He made me coffee and brought it to me this morning and I thanked him and told him to be careful and that I love him.

I asked him on Sunday or Monday to go geocaching with me today. I called him again around 4 to remind him. He didn't call back until 6:30. He said he had been working late. I asked him what he was going to do. We had plans to go geocaching. I am tired of always having to go alone. When I asked him what he was going to do he said "that depends what you want me to do". I said that I made it obvious what I wanted him to do when I asked him a couple of days ago and called him today. He ignored that and raised his voice fairly nastily and said "I am tired, okay, I had a very long day. I dont want to go anywhere". I said, "well then why did you ask me what I wanted you to do". He repeated the same thing again, that he was tired, had a very long day and didn't want to be with me.

I said I'll see you later then, love you, goodbye and I hung up. I spent the entire time trapsing around in those strange woods alone. I was the only person alone in the entire park that I saw. It's wierd geocaching alone. There is nobody to turn to and talk about a likely place for the cache, you have to pretend you have a reason to just be standing around somewhere.

Anyway, the way he was last night and then on the phone, took the remaining wind out of my sails. I felt as if my feet were made of lead. I felt sad and lonely. All of this ridiculous shit because I said a log cabin show was boring and amatuerish.

He says he doesn't understand. I feel so lonely and terrible. I feel like I need another bath. My eyes will be swollen tomorrow again. I feel like I have cancer or some other awful disease. When he is like this, my joints ache, my head aches, my stomach is upset, my heart is crazy.

I love him very much but I have huge doubts about us. If he can't even recognize me as a person, then what?

I am fighting against the stream

2008-02-24T06:47:00.000-08:00

I haven't slept all night. My stomach was like a swirling, boiling caldron, gurgling and bubbling. I had significant pain and discomfort in my back, near both kidneys. Now it is 9:49 a.m. and I feel sleepy, ill and sad.

Last night I asked Jerry if he wanted a brownie. He nodded, reached for the bag and then Camille said, "don't eat them all". He chose not to eat any. I said, "don't be like that". It didn't matter. He was going to and will be like that no matter how much I ask, how much I beg, how much I show him, how much I argue.

He said nothing more to Camille that night, looked upon her no further. He said nothing more to me. After awhile I went into the computer room, where he spends at least half his time, and asked him if he was going to rejoin us at all. About 30 minutes later he came in the room silently and did not look at us, sat on the couch and went to sleep. Camille fell asleep and I put her to bed.

Some time later, he said that he didn't know what he did wrong. I said that he cut Camille and I off because of the brownie thing. That he was going to eat one until she said don't eat them all and then after that he stopped interacting with us. He never does that kind of thing with his kids. Sometimes he snaps at them but he never withdraws for very long from them and soon returns to touching and loving on them. He hardly ever talks to or looks at Chloe and certainly never interacts with her or touches her. He only interacts with Camille because she is only 5 and doesn't know how he dislikes my children yet.

After I calmly told him how he had overreacted and treated Camille and I badly over the brownies, he got angry and shouted profanity at me. I can't deal with this kind of thing anymore, how he becomes aggressive, follows me around, gets in my face when I am trying to stop the escalation. I stopped talking about it and he just sat there for awhile. I was looking at the tv because he was upsetting me so, but I have no idea what was on. My mind and heart were a tornado of spinning emotions. He turned off the television so I wouldn't look at it. I asked him to turn it back on, I was about to tell him that it would be a bad idea to have only our voices arguing without the diffusing noise of the tv. He said that I showed him that "he doesn't matter to me" because I wouldn't stop watching tv. It wasn't even anything I cared about, I just didn't want Camille to hear us. I was so upset my brain wouldn't let me even "see" the tv.

All I need is for the children to feel more tension and feeling that Jerry hates them. The talk with Camille and Chloe at McDonalds last Sunday night still has me very torn up. They are suffering with the way Jerry treats them, at best like walls. Apparently they are telling Bill's little therapist about it and he will end up taking them away from me or they will not want to be with me anymore. Why would they? Chloe feels upset all the time in my home with a man who doesn't want her around. He had a mean daughter who says nasty things to my little girl just because she looks at her. He thinks his children are perfect and if mine sneeze he goes on and on about how terrible it was, NEVER EVER anything positive from him. No bonding attempts, no interactions.

After a while he calmed down and told me that he didn't want to leave in the morning with this hanging over us, that he was sorry for the profanity. I told him how I felt about his treatment of my children, how they feel, about our talk at McDonalds, how upset I am, all of it. I talked for a very long time, most of the time holding his arms. I finally sat down because I had to step away to blow my nose where I had been crying.

All he said at the end was "well, I see it completely differently". It felt a terrible blow to me and our relationship. I have begged and pleaded for him to make effort, to undertake some kind of method or effort to get harmony in the household, to actually care what happens to my kids. After everything I said, all he said was that he sees it differently. It was clear that nothing will ever get better, he will never make ANY effort. We are at a crisis here and he only cares about himself. It felt completely and utterly hopeless and I believe both emotionally and rationally, that it is. I know that Jerry can't and won't do anything to improve the situation. He just doesn't have any empathy or care for my children even though I love them more than my life. It doesn't matter to him. I must protect them from a horrible life with a man who hates them, even if I had to live my life without Jerry.

It seems to me that both he and I, at this point, would be happier without each other.

I was awake all night and I feel terrible, I am ill, I am upset, sad, tired. I am like this far too much. I don't have much health anymore and it is because of Jerry's attitude. I need to end this. I know I do. I love Jerry so very much but he isn't capable of living with me and finding a caring attitude for my little girls. He and I need to let each other go.

Today

2008-02-02T16:12:00.000-08:00

I have a giant lump in my throat, my heart was beating very hard, I felt like I couldn't drag a full breath into my chest, and I couldn't stop crying. Jerry left me this morning, went to GSP. He was distant and cold and knew I had been crying but just didn't care. All this because I talked to him about his lack of symptathy for my little girl's sickness.

After I talked to him, he stopped talking to me. He became cold, wouldn't talk, wouldn't look at me. It contradicted everything he said he was going to do, like working out problems without feelings and talking about things, trying to resolve problems without fighting.

The way he dealt with it hurt me so. I had wanted to spend the evening holding each other. I really felt like I needed him. I was telling him earlier Friday that I was desirious of him and I sensed an odd response like he was pulling away. It bothered me and made me feel very unattractive but I figured it would all be okay when we were alone later.

But he went to bed that night and shut the door. He hadn't talked to me or looked at me all evening. He had chosen to stay in any room which Chloe and I weren't in. I tried to approach him several times but he had closed me out. It really hurt.

Finally I gave up and sat with Chloe. He asked to see me just so he could say "what do you think about me going to GSP"? What do I think? What do I think? "You won't talk to me, look at me, be in the same room with me, have anything to do with me because I tried to resolve a problem with you and now you want to drive 3 hours to be away with me, on the weekend, and at a time I needed you?" I was so hurt by him I couldn't talk to him. I started crying and I couldn't stop.

He left me this morning. He woke me up before 6 to tell me he was leaving. He expected ME to say something. He didn't say anything. Just left. I felt so terrible, so unwanted. I feel stupid for getting so emotionally close to him again. As soon as I felt close enough to talk with him about something, he stopped wanting me, loving me, and then chose to spend his weekend without me.

I told him I should have known better than to trust him. I meant it. When will I learn? As soon as I let my defenses down, this happens. My heart can't take it. My love can't take it. I feel so bad, so lonely, so sad.

He can't possibly want me the same way I want him. I guess we are all wrong for each other. He wants a Sandy who isn't size 99 and likes caving. He doesn't want me. He doesn't want to marry me, he can't possibly. We need to face that its never gonna work out.

I need something to kill this pain.

I feel sad.

2008-02-01T20:15:00.000-08:00

Things were going pretty well for a while, until today. We even talked about setting a W date. Damn, I can't even type the word.

Chloe started getting sick on Monday and when Bill picked her up Wednesday, she had a pretty good fever and was too sick to go to dance. She missed school Thursday and Friday. Every time her illness came up, Jerry made some snide remark about it, how she didn't seem that sick, how she watched tv, how she whined, how she was graceful when well but one of the worst sick people he has ever seen, how she seemed to be making the most of it, how she didn't seem to be that sick since she had an appetite. He pretty much ignores her and refuses to interact with her all the time and it was even worse when she was sick. He just said something in the morning, a word or two at night and "bye ladies" when I took them to school in the morning. That's the absolute total of his interaction with her. It really bothers me.

Chloe has expressed fear and hesitation over the idea of a W and a stepdad. I don't think it's a stepdad she feels bad about, she is afraid of a step-dad's permanence who ignores her at best. The way he treats my children really bothers me but when I put it out of my mind, I could imagine us being happy.

We can have a great weekend together and the second, I mean the very second, my kids, wonderful little girls, ages 5 and 9, make an appearance, everything goes downhill fast. All he says are negative things to them, never anything good. It bothers me so very much. I have talked to him about it a lot but most of the time I say nothing.

His persistent sarcasm and negativity toward Chloe's illness really bothered me. Nevertheless I coped well with the first 10 or so comments. Finally I had one too many and I gently told him that all that negativity, sarcasm, and contempt concern me. She is a little girl, a 9 year old little girl. Everything she does bothers him and he makes a snide comment about it. This is my child, the child I love with all my heart and the only mention he makes of her is negative shit. I told him without emotion, in a delicate way and in a way that supported dicsussion, that this bothered me a lot.

He refused to discuss it with me except that he said he didn't do what I said and that he was sorry I felt that way and that he wouldn't do it again. I was trying to talk it out, to get him to understand because he said he didn't do it and he wouldn't do it again. It's an attitude that needs changed not a particular specific thing that you don't do again. I was trying to gently talk to him about it and he refused to speak to me anymore.

I gave up and left the room, returning to my work. I had been cleaning all day, cleaning out the kids outgrown clothes, and lots of other chores. I was very tired. Jerry didn't even notice my work, volunteer to help, he didn't want anything to do with me. My dad came and picked up Camille and he talked to dad a little but not me really. After dad left he retreated to the bedroom. He refused to come in the same room that either Chloe or I were in. This bothered me so much. He refused to talk to me. He refused to be around me at all.

It occurred to me that when he talks about harmony he just means that anything he does wrong is not to be mentioned, he can do anything he wants and there will be harmony as long as he gets to continue it. He can say and do anything toward me, he can ignore the kids, that is harmony. But if I try to talk to him about a problem, it's like our relationship ends. I don't know who he is now. I don't know who he is when that happens.

It's as if when I try to talk out a problem, he immediately takes his love and his familiarity with me and locks it away until he feels its absence has punished me sufficiently. That's exactly what he did tonight. I tried to go where he was. I told him I was making pizza. I went to him and told him it was ready. I knew he wasn't going to eat it, when he withdraws his love from me, he can't stand the thought of eating any food I made. He had been in the bedroom reading (which he NEVER does) for some time while I was cleaning. I thought if I showed him I wasn't withdrawing and that I still wanted love and nearness, the would stop doing that. I laid down on the bed beside him. He pretty much ignored me. After a while I got up and left. I have been crying on and off since this began. He doesn't care.

I told him that he had withdrawn because I tried to talk to him and it was bothering me and I didn't know what to do. He said he had apologized and said he would try to do better but that's not really what he said and anyway, he has completely withdrawn from me, worse than he has in a long time. I hurt really bad.

I was stupid to think that we could get M. I was stupid to think he wanted to M me. He withdraws from me when I try to talk to him about a problem and doesn't respect me enough to talk about it. He doesn't respect me enough to give my daughters a chance, to try to like if not love them. I give 100% effort to his kids, it seems he gives about 7%.

After all of his, all of his not talking to me (about 2-3 hours), he came in the living room and asked to talk to me. I could tell by the distant and formal way he asked that it wasn't going to be good. He said he wanted to leave for the weekend and go to gsp. It was about 8 p.m. on Friday and he was telling me that because I tried to talk to him about a problem, not only did he not want to talk to me or be in the same room, he wanted to go far away and have nothing to do with me, without warning.

I can't trust him. Why do I keep forgetting that. I can't trust that his love will be consistent. We would be foolish to marry or even to make any long term plans.

He doesn't want anything to do with me and I feel very sad, low and rejected, lonely, ugly, ashamed.

Are there some people who just aren't destined to be loved?

2007-11-29T22:26:00.000-08:00

On Friday, you refused to let me take the heater, even though I felt I needed to. You just refused, gave your all powerful veto like I was some child. We went to gsp without the heater. We had a pretty good weekend, I spent lots of time caressing you, massaging you. How much time did you spend providing that to me?

On Sunday we came back. I looked bad because I had been outdoors in cold temperatures, wearing a knit cap, messed hair and all. I said I looked bad you agreed. On Monday, you took Camille to school for me which I very much appreciated. We had a shower together that morning because your work was rained out. I went to work, worked all day, left at 4:00, drove in the rain and picked the children up from Little Angels. I was uptight about getting to Raceland High School on time, it was raining very hard and very dreary. I wasn't sure where the event was supposed to be. It was raining very hard so I drove up Powell Lane and to Raceland on Lexington Ave., bypassing all the restaurants.

I had felt really poorly all day, the rain made it all seem worse. I had a significant headache, non stop cramps from my period, it felt like my bone marrow was being sucked out. I had an absolutely severe muscle spasm in my neck shoulder and upper back, through and under my shoulder blade. I hated the idea of the evening ahead, I hurt all over.

We got to the school and it was raining very hard. I had to make several trips in the rain to get all the crap in. I had my purse, my tote bag with book, camera, zune, makeup, Chloe's backpack, Chloe's dance bag, Camille, Camille's crayons, coloring books, purse, backpack, and a phonics pack. It was a lot of stuff, way too much. We got there and the stuff quickly got spread out everywhere.

They gave us Chloe's ballet costume to try on. She was the only one without one. They had ordered her a similar one, although short, on ebay. It was too tight. They were implying that I do lots of sewing to it. I couldn't even imagine how I could fix it. I could barely breathe, I was in so much pain, as they were talking about it.

I was also wet and freezing cold. I was shivering and holding my body rigid, which didn't help the muscle spasms. I itched from head to toe from the poison ivy. I called you on the phone, telling you how I hurt all over, how tired I was, how the kids were hungry. You volunteered to come back and pick up Chloe but I told you I had to stay, what we needed was food, help carrying, etc. You didn't volunteer for that.

After awhile Camille and Chloe got very hungry. I gathered Camille up and drove in what now was driving rain to the KFC near AK Steel. It seemed a very long drive. It was very very dark and rained so hard I could barely see. I got wet again going out to the car and I shivered on the drive. Camille fell asleep while I was in the drive through. There were so many families there, a mother and her mate. The man was fetching food, helping out, sitting with her.

Its not to be for me, is it? I will be a single mom, raising two kids alone with you thinking of yourself as simply sharing some living space. You would never allow a blended family, to think of it would betray your kids.

They messed up my order at the drive through. I had to wait while they repaired it. We drove in the driving rain back to the school. Camille was still asleep and it was raining very hard. I sat in the dark alone and fumbled through my KFC wrap, feeling sick, sore, lame and lonely. I couldn't wait to get home to you, have you touch me. I hoped you would rub my back although I secretly know you really hate doing that. After awhile the rain seemed to slack a little so I gathered the food (very unwieldy in its packaging) and grabbed sleeping Camille from the back seat.

It began raining hard again as soon as we started walking across the parking lot. She woke up and started crying. I made her walk and it was a chore getting her and the food to the door. All the doors were locked and we stood there, banging away, hoping somebody would come. When they did we took the food in and sat in the floor. Camille hated the food I had gotten for her, I had to go find her some ketchup before she would eat it. My back and neck hurt so bad I lay in the floor, it felt like a machete was embedded in my body. A few tears slid down my face, although we both know you have no compassion for my tears, they only make you dislike me more.

Chloe ate and we finished up the evening finally. I was miserable. Very cold, very very sore. My neck and back hurt so badly that I couldn't move my arm, it was drawn to one side. I whimpered. I couldn't wait to get home. The kids argued in the car, both were exhausted.

I came in the door. You sat on the couch. I made about 5 trips to and from the car while you just sat there. I put things away, freed my hands and kissed you. I told you how miserable I was, how much I hurt. I hoped you would hold me, maybe touch me, rub on me a little. You didn't do any of that.

I hurt so bad, the left side of my body was so twisted, it felt like my tongue was paralyzed. I hurt so bad, I didn't know how I would get through homework and putting the kids to bed. Even though you had been home all day and evening, instead of helping me, talking to me, holding me, kissing me, anything, you got on myspace again. I read the kids a book, put them to bed.

You were still on the computer so I told them you would be in there with them a little. You were in there a long time. When you came out, tears were rolling down my face I was in so much pain. I looked at you, hoping you would see how much I needed you. You halfway glanced at me but paid no attention to me, to my pain.

I leaned against the heating paid, still crying periodically from my sore body. You sat down by my feet and casually let your hand rest on the blanket by my foot. Thats the closest you came to touching me. I longed for love. I longed for somebody to touch, massage me, or rub my arm, anything. You didn't talk to me although every now and and then I would make little tearful comments about the shows you were watching. There was nothing angry, mad, anything of that nature directed at you or anyone. Just a lonely woman in pain, desperate for someone to care.

You didn't. You paid no attention to me. I was so miserable, sore, itchy and sad, I couldn't sleep. I was up most of the night. You never noticed or cared about my tears. You didn't seem to care about me at all.

We talked about it on Tuesday night. You said you were "staying out of my way". "What", I thought? Staying out of my way? Why would someone think he needed to stay out of the way of someone in deep need of caring, someone who was sore and itchy from head to toe and needed desperately to feel a loving touch. When you said the thing about staying out of my way, it hurt me further and we stopped talking about it.

On Wednesday night you chose not to talk to me. I asked if you wanted to get something to eat, if you were hungry. You said you weren't hungry. Later, you left me and went somewhere. I guess you went to get yourself something to eat. I ate nothing.

You left me Thursday morning without a word. On Thursday evening, you said you had done nothing, that it was me who wasn't providing loving, that it was me who disliked you, that every 28 days I didn't like you....... You ignored and rewrote everything that had happened. I laid in bed and cried. I longed for your touch. I feel so lonely. You just don't love me enough to love me consistently. I read in my novel about a family in a car accident and how the father died, there on second, dead the next. I wanted so desperately to be touched by you.

I went into the living room. You were sleeping out there, choosing not to sleep with me. I wanted to feel your warmth so bad. I wanted you to love me so badly. I stood by you as you slept and cried and cried. Did I have the courage to just lie down beside you after everything that had happened? How you had neglected me, then denied it and blamed it on me? I wanted you so badly. I felt so lonely. Tears streamed down my face and I stared out the window. Finally I started to lie down beside you. As soon as my knee touched the couch, you startled and jumped up. It freaked me out so I sat in the chair, my crying renewed.

I sat there a long time, explaining how I wanted to lie down beside you. How I stood there and finally got the courage up. After some time, you got up. I thought since I had come to you and then you were startled by me, this time maybe you would come to me. Through all of this whatever it is, you haven't touched me once. I am so damn sad and lonely. I am desperate for touch.

You got up and my heart lightened. I thought you were coming to me. But - you walked on past me, you were just heeding your call of nature. No look at me, no brush across my knee on your way.

I went back to the bedroom. I sat there and cried so hard I couldn't stand it. You just said you don't want to fight anymore. You don't want to touch me, look at me, kiss me, and you see any of those things as a confrontation or a fight.

This isn't working for either of us. I feel unloved and you don't respect me. You don't think I am worthy of you even brushing your hand on me as you go piss!!!!!!!!!!!

2007-10-10T13:02:00.000-07:00

On Friday we went to GSP. I didn't want to go. I didn't want to go anywhere. I wanted to lie in my bed all weekend and cry. I didn't want to be near you. You had been hurting me so much without seeming to care. It was more than I could stand. I felt far from you, alienated from you, and you didn't seem to want to deal with the problem. Everything in my body hurt, I felt very sick. If you don't stop being like this to me, I will die.

You convinced me to go to gsp though. You asked me very gently and very kindly. I went although I felt really sick all over. I'd had a headache for two days and my joints hurt.

We drove to Goshen to get the kids without talking much. You asked if I wanted to talk about the problem but it was hard to talk in the car. It was hot out and we had the windows down, the wind was noisy. After we picked up the kids we stopped at Wendys to get food. I felt like an outsider intruding on your family at Wendys and much of the evening. You didn't seem to like me, I haven't seemed to make you happy, although you asked me to marry you, you've merely mumbled once in a month anything about a marriage, a wedding.

We were in the gsp kitchen when crazy cavers came up and I asked Dalene if she knew Kevin Downs. We were talking about bad cave leaders, she lives in Louisville and is a Louisville grotto member and I thought I might be able to get her opinion about him. As I was talking about him and my roppel experience, you started walking out of the room. I could tell by the way you walked, the set of your shoulders, that you had shut me out again. Because I mentioned Kevin Downs in an appropriate conversation so I could complain about him. What little progress we had made, you shut down and backed figuratively away from me again. I saw what you were doing. I thought I could stop it before it started, so I called you over so I could show you I love you even when you do this crap to me. You finally walked over and stood there for a second before leaving me again. You stopped looking at me and talking to me. I felt really terrible again. We went to the cabin to get ready for bed. You were outside and I tried to talk to you. I asked you what was up. You wouldn't talk to me, you barely looked at me. It made me so upset. The little hope I had built up that you were beginning to understand was gone.

I felt lonely, an outsider to you and your kids, unloved, I started to cry so I begain walking to the showerhouse in the dark. I didn't know what I would do after that. I just knew I couldn't let the kids see me like that and I felt really bad. I sat down in the showerhouse, feeling that there was no way we were going to work. I felt like you didn't like me enough to tolerate anything you wouldn't do or say. This attitude freaks me out. To think that anyone on earth would believe that everytime another person does or says something you wouldn't do or say. The only way you would be happy is a planet full of Jerrys.

You seem to tolerate all kinds of things from other people but if I say "let's order", if I allow the kids to do something I find acceptable with pizza, if I walk upstairs without your permission, if my opinion about multi-piece rims is different than yours, if I look at you funny, if I am passionate in my dislike of Walmart, if I am anything different, you become sullen and withdrawn, hostile, silent, and I become desperately lonely and sad. It feels like you only love me when I am robotically like you.

2007-10-05T04:17:00.001-07:00

Friday, October 5

You actually are blaming me outwardly for your two days of hostility and disrespect toward me. Jerry, you can't possibly love, like, care for me and treat me like that. Do you honestly think a 5 minute conversation about cave smell is worth treating somebody like that?

I have begged you and begged you not to shut me off, stop loving me, stop giving me the cold shoulder and stop making me cry just because I do one little thing you don't like. You don't have the right to treat me like this.

I can't take this anymore. If I don't keep my mouth shut and don't look at you, you don't love me.

I think maybe we made a mistake. You just don't love or like or respect me enough to treat me like you love me. You can't seem to let me be a person. If I do something, however slight, that you don't like, I get days and days of hostility. I can't feel unloved like this all the time. I am very unhappy. I am pretty sure you can't possibly really want a relationship with me and treat me like this. I know you can't possibly love me that much and treat me like this.

You just keep hurting me and don't care one bit.

2007-10-04T21:54:00.001-07:00

Thursday, Oct. 4

Today was very strained. I have felt ill on and off the last few weeks, particularly the last few days. I feel very sick right now. We went out to dinner for my dad's birthday and we were able to pretend, if only for a bit, that things were ok. But once we got home, you pretty much went back to your distant self. I sat down by you a couple of times. You kept your arms tightly folded over your chest. I reached out to touch your hand and you seemed uninterested in my touch.

We went to bed. You said to me "I don't understand how my compliment turned into all of this." I said, I did something that you don't like and you again stopped loving me. You said "Oh god, give me a break". I started crying again. You said "I concede, I retreat, I concede I retreat".

Your lack of respect for me, lack of consideration, lack of compassion hurts me so. I began to cry hard and got ahold of myself before I embarrassed myself, shamed myself, in front of you again. You have so little compassion for me, are so cold toward me when I am sorrowful, it's like you are ashamed of me.

You said you liked what Thor wrote. You were reading what I wrote. I was commenting on the film, on what I wrote. The whole reason I blogged about movie was that I thought it odd that the writers found a cave devoid of smell when it is something I always found particularly fragrant. We talked about it a little. I stopped talking. You got the last word but had to again comment by saying "like I said, I was just giving you a compliment and it turned horribly bad". I am not sure where your compliment was supposed to lie. I was merely discussing what I had written (what you claim that you liked, I guess) and you ended up saying it had all gone horribly wrong. This entire exchange lasted only about 5 minutes.

I sat by you and held your hand, rubbed and massaged your arm and hand lovingly. Something about how I was talking about what I had written made you stop loving me and disrespecting me again.

Where is the love you are supposed to have for me? I've only seen it in fairly brief glimpses the last few weeks. As long as I stand in a corner and don't talk or look at you, you love me. If I do anything else, you act as if I've caused all these terrible things, causing you to have to withdraw, to withhold any love you claim you have for me. You act though all of this like your incredible disrespect for me, your lack of compassion and emotion toward me are all my fault. I gave you that look or said "let's order" or had a difference of opinion about cameras or reminded you it was my jewelry or ............. and you had to teach me a lesson, you had to punish me by withholding all positive emotions toward me. You claim its me because I was stubborn or obstinate by having that different than you.

You will never be happy with me until you make me into you or into a statue.

2007-10-04T09:38:00.000-07:00

Thursday, September 27

B.A. came to visit. I was very tired after Tammy Jo's but talked with you two, waited on you, fixed you chili. In front of B.A. you started talking about all the Walmarts you have been to and how Ashland's was the worst. You said how you there must be something bad in the water of the people of Ashland. I said nothing bu surely you could tell on those several occasions before when you have talked badly about the town I am from that I don't care for it. Don't you respect me enough to stop putting down in a very graphic way the group of which I am a member? I said nothing nevertheless. B.A. wasn't looking at me but I looked at you to show you I didn't care for the conversation. You gave me a look of hostility back - "how dare I show you with my face I didn't want you saying the people of Ashland are mutants".

Later when I was doing my work in the living room and you and B.A. were talking about the cave pearls, you omitted any reference to my participation, to my being in the cave, to the fact that I actually was there and selected it. Then you said that you charged Jarrett with returning them to the cave after you were gone. Whether you meant after you were gone and Jarrett would take them from me or after we both were gone and Jarrett would take them from my children, you were commanding Jarrett to do something, to take back the silver wrapping of my gift. As to the cave pearls themselves - Yes, you babied me in order for me to get there. Yes, I would not have been there if not for you. But does that mean that you have the right to tell Jarrett to take something back from me or my children? It felt like you have such little respect for me that you could take any property you wanted from me because I wasn't a person.

You and I talked about that before and I told you it made feel feel uncomfortable. Jarrett comes to my children after I have died and says "My dad told me I had to take them away from you because my dad helped your mom get there and paid to have silver wire around them for your mom's birthday. He told me I had to take them away from you and put them back in the cave. I don't care if they are special to you because you saw your mom wearing them all the time. I don't care how it makes you feel for me to pry the out of your hands. I don't care that they don't belong to my dad or to me. My dad told me to take them from you and I am going to do it."

The implications of what you keep saying made me feel insignificant, unimportant, disrespected. I felt compelled to remind you that I was there, that one of the pearls for the earrings and the big pearl I had selected, I had chosen, I was there. I reminded you that it was my jewelry.

You withdrew from me. I was feeling very needy of you that night. I was feeling nervous and upset about work and I needed to be touched. I needed you. I needed tlc. But because I acted like a human being and looked at you and said the jewelry was mine, you withdrew from me. Stopped looking at me, stopped interacting with me, closed yourself off to me. It upset me so bad. I felt terrible. You stayed in the kids room at the computer. I came after you, thinking that maybe I could talk you into touching me. You were looking at the gsp pictures with what other people have found had witty labels. You had no expression on your face but disgust. I touched your shoulder. You didn't respond. I saw the look on your face. My very presence was disgusting you. I felt a lump in my throat and felt tears in my eyes so I went back in the living room. I worked some more. You stayed away. After quite some time, you came out, avoided looking me in the eye. You brushed your lips against the top of my head and said you were going to bed.

I didn't know what to think. I worked about another half hour but felt so sad, unhappy and tired, thought I would go sleep for a few hours and then get up very early. When I went to bed though, you were snoring loudly and consistently. I knew I only had about 4 hours before I got up and thought I would go sleep in the couch for a bit. You came out there and made me cry. You made me sob hard and stood over me saying "is this how it's gonna be?" "What do you mean"?, I asked, "how what's gonna be?" "You know what I mean", you said, how this is gonna be." I cried hard, confused and upset, by you wouldn't stop saying it. You were mean and angry and wouldn't stop. It hurt me so. I still don't understand.

Saturday, September 29

I felt really weird and strange about Thursday night for a couple of days. You just said, "let's just forget about it, ok?" I was shocked that you would just forget about it after how you treated me but I wanted so badly for you to stop being so far away from me, I wanted so badly not to feel desperately sad, I agreed. Little by little I forgot about it even though I knew better than to let myself be vulnerable again.

I was feeling close to you as we watched movies late Saturday night. All the while I felt close to you, warning lights were flashing, reminding me that I shouldn't let my love for you make me vulnerable.

{Memories of how mad you got at me when I gave you a look of disapproval when you said all of us Ashland people are mutants and then told you the jewelry was mine when B.A. was visiting were still with me. The way you acted that night. How terrible you treated me when I let myself have some personhood status. I can't even believe that one who claims to love another could care so little for her that when she gives him a look of disapproval and reminds you that she is a person, you feel justified in standing over her as she sobs pitifully and saying "Is this how it's gonna be?" repeatedly. You never explained yourself. You never apologized. You treated me like this and then withdrew and stopped talking to me. I could not shake the feeling that you will never be happy with me unless I stand in a corner, don't look at you and keep my mouth shut. You never addressed anything that happened that night, never said a word about it, still haven't. The problem is that these things happen far too often. Every few days, I will be feeling optimistic about us and give you a look, say something, move my right pinkie when you think I shouldn't and the next thing you know, you hate me again. You say you never hate me, that you always love me. Whether that is true or not, if you don't treat me with love and respect then it doesn't matter, does it?

Since you never addressed what happened that night and it was
Telling me to go back to guarded status. These thoughts were with me much of Saturday. It was why I got so upset when my vertical fear wouldn't let me rappel. It upset me that I let my fear win but mostly because I was afraid you would be disappointed in me or get mad at me. When I was at the lip, you were not your usual warm, "talk you over" self. You just stood there waiting for me. You said very little and would barely even look at me. I felt so upset.

You asked me Saturday night what was on my mind. I was troubled and have been at how easily you get mad at me and act hostile and withdrawn toward me. Maybe you love me but you either don't like me or respect me enough to let me have my own personality. I can't relax and be myself for fear of making you mad at me again.

When we talked about this, instead of you thinking about what I was saying and caring enough about me, about our relationship to realize this destructive pattern, you just blamed me. You said I was this and that, that I was the same..etc. You became withdrawn again because I had brought it up.

As soon as it seems things are great between us, I do the smallest thing and you treat me with hostility and disrespect. You tell me I do the same to you. I have never treated you with hostility and disrespect

Sunday, September 30

Bill sent the kids home in slippers. You said I should call him right away about it. It was 9:15 p.m., he had just left. He wasn't about to bring the shoes right back. Calling him would do nothing but make me feel more upset. I felt stressed and hormonal. I said I would call him but not right then. You kept saying I should call him, over and over. I said I didn't want to. You kept telling me to call him over and over. "Please", I said, "I don't want to right now". You wouldn't stop demanding that I call, just because you wanted me to. "Jerry", I said "I am a person."

You stayed away from me the rest of the evening, withdrawn, not talking to me. You were mad at me. Why? I don't know. I don't know if you were ultimately mad because I reminded you I am a person or because I would not do what you wanted. It hurt me.

Monday, October 1 and Tuesday, October 2

I still feel weird about how you treated me on Sunday night. I feel alienated from you. I don't feel close to you. You say you love me.

I fainted at Tammy Jos in a very embarrassing way Tuesday night and felt terrible, physically and emotionally.

Wednesday, October 3

I stayed home from work because I felt bad. I felt upset, physically ill, fatigured. You came home and handed me an email from Thor. You said you were proud to know us but you never said why you were proud about me. We were discussing what I wrote and I told you that I believed the book or screen writers of Perfume had little if any cave experience because caves are not absent of smell like dead stone. On the contrary, they were pungent, filled with the strong smells of fertile earth, mud, dampness. A cave has a very distinctive smell, so much that soap is made to remind cavers of the smell. You told me how stupid the soap was. I said nothing else. You said, "like I said, I was trying to give you a compliment and it went horribly wrong". I said nothing else. I just looked at you with confusion. You went in the living room. I went and sat by you. I held your hands, rubbed them, loved on them. You got up and then turned on the dryer. Just as we were about to try to shower together (I was willing to even though my body was a wreck), the dryer buzzed and I had to deal with the clothes. You went ahead and showered without me while I dealt with the clothes. I showered and then went in the living room. You didn't talk to me, look at me, address me, anything. You were withdrawn and gone from me again "still loving me" like you claim although I couldn't find any traces of it. You came out to the living room and said you were thinking of eating, was I interested or anything. You refused to look at me. I asked what you had in mind, what you were thinking of. You respected me so little, you didn't even acknowledge my question. You left the room.

I sat there feeling lonely, said, unwanted, unloved. It has become a very familiar feeling. I was in the living room alone for an hour or so. I came several times to the room and stood in the doorway. You would not look at me. I said "I thought you were getting something to eat". You said "you didn't take me up on it" or something like that. I said "I asked you what you had in mind". You didn't respond. I went back in the living room. After about a half hour I came back to the room and looked in. You weren't using the computer, just sitting there. You loathed me so much you would rather just sit in front of an inactive computer screen than be in the same room. You were waiting until I vacated the living room, apparently, so you could watch tv. I went to the bedroom. Sure enough, you went in the living room and watched tv. I felt terrible. I read for awhile in bed and turned out the light. You came in the room a couple of times but did not speak to me.

I fixed myself a pbj and ate it in the floor of Camille's room since I knew if I stayed in the room with you, in the kitchen, you would feel like I drove you out of the room. I was so sick to my stomach, I had such a dry mouth and big knot in my throat, I could barely swallow. I felt ugly, fat, sick, unloved, unwanted.

Finally I fell asleep. You told me you loved me this morning when you left. I told you back. It's the first words you had spoken to me in 12 hours. How can you tell me you love me when you purposefully and repeatedly withhold love everytime I do something you don't like?

You don't have to like everything I do, but it is important that you love who I am. For example, you may not like what I do, but that is simply my behavior. We might disagree about my decisions or my actions, but if your heart is open, you cannot dump your own values, beliefs and especially your fear, onto me. What you I do or don't do may not make you want to be close to me right then, but you should still be compassionate toward me.

Love is not something you do, Love is a way of being. And more than that. It is simply being, Being with another person, however they may be. Holding no judgments, having no agendas, No desire to control, No need to prove your love, No intrusion upon their soul. Nothing but a total acceptance of their being, Born of your acceptance of yours.

Withholding love can be almost as bad as not loving someone, for anyone, but especially for sensitive or insecure individuals or those who haven't known much love. In such a case, a willingness to ignore your mate's tears over a foolish mistake in order to punish her can make her feel unloved. Expressing unconditional love includes reassurance. Another example is forgiving hurts. If your spouse has hurt your feelings, you don't instantly stop loving him or her, so you shouldn't try to make your mate feel that way.

2007-06-15T00:19:00.000-07:00

I don't know how I can go on.
I don't know how I can stop crying.
I don't know how I can sleep.
I don't know how I can act normal when inside I am screaming.
I don't know how I can take of two children alone when I hurt so bad.
I don't know how I can life my life without you.
I don't know how I can get up in the morning.
I don't know how I can argue my case tomorrow.
I don't know how I can hold my life together.
I don't know how I can ever care about myself again.

I don't know how you can tell me you love me and then say "I can't marry you because I would betray my kids.

I don't know how you can tell me you want me and then tell me you need an indefinte time away from me because you have hurt me.

I don't know how you can keep hurting me like this when you promised me you wouldn't.

I don't know how you can tell me you love me the same way I love you.

You heard me sob so hard I couldn't breathe and you responded with nothingness.

I am having one of the hardest times in my life:

my father's illness
my work and my fathers
your lack of love and wanting for me
such pain I want to die
no sleep
my eyes are red, swollen
I hurt so bad
Chloe's birthday
Chloe's dance
Getting me and two little kids alone to Florida and back because you chose a life without me.
feeling like no one in the world cares or loves me
I wish I had to courage to die.
All the Karst O Rama stuff
I am responsible for getting all the volunteers for the rkc booth
I am responsible for the kids activities at kor
Did you do anything at all to help me with any of this
My grass needed cutting with you last stayed with me. You sat on your rear and brooded for days (after I had apologized repeatedly). You sat there while I cleaned. Now I have to cut the grass.
I am ill I am so hurt by you.
Why can't you care about me for once? Why can't you love me?

WHY DOESN'T ANYONE CARE WHETHER I LIVE OR DIE

WHY DON'T YOU CARE ABOUT ME

2007-05-22T22:06:00.000-07:00

I don't think you read this anymore. I know you haven't posted for a long time. I felt sad today because you talked about going back to work. It reminded me how far your "comfort" period is from where I thought we were headed.

During your comfort period you don't talk about us having a future together too much and you haven't mentioned marriage in any way at all. I felt blue when you told me that Chris bought Tara an engagement ring. At the end of your comfort time, I still don't know what would happen. All you would say is then you would probably move in with me and the rest was washed out with a wave of ambiguity. On April 1 you said you had a job and would move in a couple of weeks. I mentioned marriage which is the thing you do when you love someone but you say you can't marry me which tore me into a million pieces.

The next thing I know you say you don't know me, you can't think straight and now you need months and months of comfort time before anything can happen with us. (It feels like maybe you thought you stopped loving me and you need this stalled time so you can decide if it is really true so you can dump me on your own terms). You say need this stalled relationship (after I was hurt really bad) comfort time so that you can....(I really don't know)....remind yourself of something.

At the end of your months and months of comfort time, we will be right back where we started. So by me mentioning marriage, all that happened was you got 6 more months of putting me off in every way.

I felt very sad today and you said your comfort time was over. I just felt sad. This may be what you want.......more of this long distance relationship, but I wanted what most people want when they are in love. I think maybe we really do feel differently about each other.

I don't understand you.

2007-04-24T22:42:00.000-07:00

I can't understand why you would ask me to give you time to think and wiggle; why you would ask me to keep hope alive - - - and then tell me that Hound Dog said "If you wind up divorcing her, you'll lose your shirt".

I hoped that you told me this because you were letting me know you had conveyed to him an intention to marry me. You not so carefully quickly lifted me of this hope.

So, why did you make a point of telling me something so negative?

I hurt so bad

2007-04-04T22:33:00.000-07:00

I didn't stop crying until this morning. I have cried a few times since then but not like the last few days. I laid in the floor last night and sobbed until there were no more tears.

I am so sad. Everything reminds me of you. Everything. I think of nothing but you. I wonder what you are doing all the time. I wonder if you are thinking about me, if you are wondering if you have done the right thing. I find myself begging God to get you to thinking the right way.

Maybe you are thinking that you have been wronged. How could I ask you to marry me while we were supposed to be living in Ashland? Thank God I didn't do some crazy reverse gender proposal thing. I actually entertained daydreams about asking you to marry me. Imagine me doing something wacky like that just so you could say no.

I have never wanted anything so badly than I want to see you and touch you. I want to shake you and make you realize how you are ruining everything. You can't make someone want to be with you, want you, want to love you. You can't make someone want to marry you.

I desperately want you to wake up tomorrow, realize your mistake and call me and tell me you want to do everything we talked about and you promised, after all. How low I must seem to you, how lacking in self respect for me to even admit this. I want you so bad, Jerry. Oh, God, I want you. There must not be a God, just as you said, for him to allow this to happen. I have never been so lonely. I told you I want to be married, not just live together in the next 1-2 years. You told me NO. You told me you weren't going to live with me. You took everything and left.

I miss you so badly. Oh, God, how I miss you. I guess if there is a God he is paying me back for what I did to Bill.

2007-04-03T11:37:00.000-07:00

So much for always keeping a hand on me, huh?

I waited a year and a half for you to tell me that you can't marry me unless I live in Cincinnati.

I am so so so in love with you. I hurt so bad I want to die.

I miss you too, Baby

2007-03-29T04:43:00.000-07:00

Thank you for loving me Baby. I very much enjoyed being with you at GSP this weekend. Between the Scout chaos and everything else, we didn't get to be as close as we are use to. I will try to make it up to you this weekend. Don't be surprised if I don't let you out of my sight and keep a hand on you most of the time. I need and very much enjoy being close to you.
Thank you again for loving me. I love you so very much.

Miss you

2007-03-26T12:09:00.000-07:00

I enjoyed being at GSP this weekend and watching you scamper up the rope with only your feet and hands. Camille, Chloe and I talked about it on the way home. As soon as we got to Winchester or so, Camille told me that she missed you. I missed you and I miss you now. I love you. Hope to see you soon.

I miss you

2007-03-11T23:22:00.000-07:00

My darling, Jerry. I miss you so. All I have to do is close my eyes and I see your face. I can remember so many details of it. I know where the white hairs are in your beard. I know the shape of your ears, nose. I can imagine myself tracing your lips with my finger tips.

I am lonely without you. I need you my love. (I hope that you will write something here).

Until....

Last Night

2007-02-28T12:49:00.000-08:00

Thank you for last night darling. Our love making was wonderful. I had a terrific need for you, to feel your body against man, to press my lips against yours, to experience your warmth. I wanted so badly to feel you inside me. I love you so very much. Making love with you is beyond words. It's sensuality, love, intense physicality, connection. It's everything that making love should be, plus so much more. Last night, I experienced you to an extreme. Your body, your lips, your smell, your cock. My orgasms were incredible, they radiated so deeply inside me.

I miss you.

2006-12-12T18:08:00.000-08:00

I feel very lonely and blue. Even after I told you I was feeling better about things, you didn't seem to want to talk to me. Have you realized that my worst fears are true? I am so lonely. I guess all that talk about ultimatums and me begging, begging, begging you to ensure you filed before it had been a WHOLE year just seemed like more crazy Lisa talk. There has been so much emotion, so many tears, I guess it just seems normal when Lisa crys herself into oblivion.

Oh, Jerry I love you so

2006-12-11T18:52:00.000-08:00

I love you so very much. Yes, I need you. Yes, I want you. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I want this more than I have ever wanted anything. But -- I've wanted it for so long and my love, longing, and lust for you have gotten me no closer to a life with you. I need to know when you plan to commit to be with me. (I don't mean "commitment" as in marriage necessarily. I don't even dare to hope for that.) I don't know if I can make it though unless you can give me something to count on. You know how hard this has been for me. You have choices and so far you have chosen not to be with me. How much longer will you not choose me? If you can't love, tell me so.

To my Love

2006-12-03T18:02:00.000-08:00

Oh baby. What you wrote about sleeping with me was so beautiful. I read it at a time when I needed something positive, something loving. Your sleeping post was well written and filled with loving emotion. Thank you my love.

I love sleeping with you. I have never felt so safe, happy, comforted and loved at night as when I am sleeping with you. To feel your warmth, to sense your body, to sense your love. It's tremendous.

I know that the past week was very hard for you. It was very hard for anyone who knew David and his family but particularly hard for you. I was impressed by your strength and ability to comfort Stacy and Julie. Most importantly though, I was impressed by the depths of your loyalty, love, and devotion to them.

I know you are feeling very bad now my love. We all cared for, liked, loved, respected David. It's so very sad. I know you miss your darling monkeys. I hope that the next week will be better and will help you begin to find your balance again.

You are the love of my life. You are my everything.

Sleeping with you

2006-11-24T05:41:00.000-08:00

I mean really sleeping... The other is wonderful, amazing, and powerfully intense but I mean really sleeping. I love to sleep beside you. I love to fall asleep next to you. I love to wake next to you. In between, I especially love waking in the middle of the night and searching to find your warmth. To reach out with some part of my body until I find some part of you in the dark. The best is when you make one of your little noises when I touch you. It lets me know you enjoy my being there & being touched. Thank you
I love you so very much

2006-11-13T12:13:00.000-08:00

My Love

2006-11-10T19:04:00.000-08:00

I am in the room with Camille, waiting unpatiently while she goes to sleep. I click my fingers hard on some of the keyboard letters, letters like o and l and m - and the left arrow stick sometimes. (Remember the pop I spilled? You told me it would cause problems.) Camille is drifting off to sleep, I am drifting off to unconsciousness.

Baby, I love you so much that if I allow the full affect of it to fall on me like I veil, I can't breathe, I think I will collapse. As ridiculous as that may sound, it's very true. You mean so much to me.

I have completely given up any fight for you to obtain justice in your divorce - and I guess I have given up any hope for any particular outcome ever. You have blocked my questions, hopes, demands, prayers, - with vague simple ideas of things to come when I worked my ass off, bared my throat, gave up everything for you.

I love you completely. I am in this endeavor for the term. I just didn't realize that in giving up my life, my things, my security, everything I have known, my marriage, my children's life, and planning to move my children to another city, far away from everything they have ever known, that I was also taking your wife as another child of yours. You told me tonight that you cannot distinguish between your wife and your kids and I guess that explains everything. They are all the innocent child victims and I am the villain.

I hurt so because of all of this. You will never understand.

I will give everything I have to you.

I love you too baby.

2006-11-02T12:44:00.000-08:00

I love you very much, I miss you, I need you. I am looking forward to spending the weekend with you. I am looking foward to hanging around with you and your monkeys. Thank you for the exquisite love making on Monday morning. It was exquisite, beautiful. My body was so in tune to you. You are an incredible sexual partner, so giving, so loving, so physical and sexual and crazy and into it. Oh my!

On a serious note - turn away and don't read if you don't want a downer - I am feeling pretty scared, panicky and sad that you and Sandy are still married, still haven't filed for divorce. I've been struggling with it pretty hard the last week or so. My journal entries have been filled with my thoughts about it; they are sometimes sad, often filled with anger. I know you won't have filed by your separation anniversary date. I already feel very sick about thoughts of it. Pretty soon you and Sandy will have a 17th wedding anniversary. Thoughts of that upset me too. My feelings complete teeter-totter between extreme emotion and numbness. Will you make it to 18? Maybe. I have so much pain and so much anger.

I love you

2006-10-27T03:06:00.000-07:00

Hi Baby,
Just wanted you to know how much I love you.

2006-10-11T17:15:00.000-07:00

I miss you my darling man.
I miss your fine ears, curly hair, well appointed mouth.
I miss your earring, your strong abdominal muscles, your biceps.
I miss your rear end, your daddy parts, your frog legs, your soft feet.
I miss how good you are to me, how wonderful and safe I feel when you hold me.
I miss your kisses, your tender touch.
I love you so very much.

Hey Baby!

2006-10-08T07:55:00.000-07:00

"You can't do it when I'm sitting here", you are saying. But I'm typing anyway. You can't stop me. We just made love. It was wonderful. You say it was quick and dirty but it was wonderful. Thank you. Today we are going to Tall Stacks and maybe Jungle Jims. Looking forward to it. Thanks for watching me type.

Today

2006-10-07T06:31:00.000-07:00

Good morning My Love...
You are asleep in my bed right now. I don't know what today will bring but I am looking forward to sharing it with you. We had a bad week apart & I hope that we can find our way back to our normal, abnormal. I am sorry for the times when I am more trouble than I am worth.
Today, today will be a better day. I will see to it, I promise.
I love you more than breathing...

2006-10-02T08:13:00.000-07:00

We had such a fine weekend, didn't we babe? I so enjoy being with you. I enjoy watching you interact with other people, teach and talk about things. When we were at the Pig Roast, I listened as you explained rope and rescue techniques, rigging, and then something else too.

I had warm and comfortable feelings when I was in the group of women Saturday night, talking about sex and men in the grotto. Even though I felt strange when they talked about divorces and such, I loved talking about grotto men and sex, knowing that you loved me. Knowing about the incredible love making we have. Knowing all those women would trade a limb to be in my shoes.
We danced more than any other couple at the Pig Roast. We kissed more than any other couple. We touched more than any other couple. I love being so close to you. I love that you want to be so close to me.

2006-09-28T08:41:00.000-07:00

Hello Love

2006-09-26T08:50:00.000-07:00

My darling:

I have set up this blog, One Steamy Romance, as a private blog, to be seen by the two of us only, not available to the public, which we can share. We can use it as a private scintillating journal of our love, our love making, some to tease, tantalize, pass the dreary weekdays. Don't worry about anyone else having access. We are both authors, we both have equal access, but no one else does.

I will help you, walk you through it. It's a way to stay connected, close, and enjoy our rare and unique spicy love.

So, let's try it out and have some fun, baby!