Yesterday

I told him that he left a bag of clothes in the kitchen and asked what he intended to do with them.   He drove 6 hours round trip for a bag of old long johns.  He came to town and called me on the phone.  First time and I guess only time he called me with his number revealed.

He told me he was in town to get his bag.  I asked if I could see him.   He said no.

I begged him to have intimate relations with him every way I knew how, humiliating myself.  He said no.

I am pathetic.

I sent him a text message later and asked him to reconsider having sex with me, even though he doesn't want me anymore.  Sex was great between us and why not have sex every now and then.   I want no other man.   He never wrote back.

I sent him a text tonight and asked if he might just want to talk to me.   I asked him to text if he did.   I never heard from him.

I get the message. . .no message.   

I know that I miss him so badly I will use his number and he will hate me more.   So I had my daughter delete his number from my phone and call history.

I lived and still loved a man for  five years who treated my children like gnats and who thought of me as a crutch to help him pay his way.   When it finally got to me and I blew like a volcano after years and years of begging, he decided he was done.   He never said much about the money, just said it was all my fault about the kids because I wouldn't let him do things his way.   ....like that explains why he would sit in a room with one of the girls and just occasionally say something negative like he was swatting at the gnat.

I still love him.

Stupid, stupid me.

Stupid.