I feel so sad

It's been since 1:00 a.m. Friday night since I last talked to him and that may be the last time ever.   I really miss him and I would give almost anything for him to hold me.   I know now that all he wants is for me to send him divorce papers, for him to sign them and for us to never have any other contact. 

I have news for him.  Even if I sent the papers (I don't even have an address or phone number for him), and he signed the papers, I couldn't file them.  I don't have the money.  I am not paying for it alone.  

I feel so terrible.  I feel so sad.

The one time I have heard from him since he moved out, he called me at 1 a.m. (an arranged time).  He blocked his phone number, as if I am so pathetic he had to block it so I wouldn't call him all the  time.  I can't call to tell him anything he left certain things here, about mail he may need, to ask him why the lawn mower won't work or anything.  And - he won't write me an email. 

I just wanted him to wake up and see how terrible he was to my children, how nonexistent they were to him.  I wanted him to be more a part of things, more financially responsible, and not just ride on my bumper.

He thinks he was right.   He thinks his treatment of my kids was either right or my fault, I am not sure because he alternated between the two.

I was so angry like a volcano at how many times I had asked him to be - more and he refused. 

Judging from what he has told me, it doesn't matter if I begged him, talked liked an encyclopedia or yelled and screamed.  He has now decided he was right all along and our views on child rearing and money were too different for us to have any more involvement.

He believed in loving on his kids all the time and doing things with them.   He believed in ignoring my kids.

He believed that I should pay for most things in the home because the kids in the home were not his.   He believed that he should have the benefit of their dad's child support.

I still love him.

Damn, that sucks.