Yesterday

I told him that he left a bag of clothes in the kitchen and asked what he intended to do with them.   He drove 6 hours round trip for a bag of old long johns.  He came to town and called me on the phone.  First time and I guess only time he called me with his number revealed.

He told me he was in town to get his bag.  I asked if I could see him.   He said no.

I begged him to have intimate relations with him every way I knew how, humiliating myself.  He said no.

I am pathetic.

I sent him a text message later and asked him to reconsider having sex with me, even though he doesn't want me anymore.  Sex was great between us and why not have sex every now and then.   I want no other man.   He never wrote back.

I sent him a text tonight and asked if he might just want to talk to me.   I asked him to text if he did.   I never heard from him.

I get the message. . .no message.   

I know that I miss him so badly I will use his number and he will hate me more.   So I had my daughter delete his number from my phone and call history.

I lived and still loved a man for  five years who treated my children like gnats and who thought of me as a crutch to help him pay his way.   When it finally got to me and I blew like a volcano after years and years of begging, he decided he was done.   He never said much about the money, just said it was all my fault about the kids because I wouldn't let him do things his way.   ....like that explains why he would sit in a room with one of the girls and just occasionally say something negative like he was swatting at the gnat.

I still love him.

Stupid, stupid me.

Stupid.

Today

It's all so hard.  It's all so humiliating.  He called me once from a private number and told me that what he wants to do is get a divorce, he wouldn't give me the phone number.

Then he sends me this cold brief email asking when would be a good time to call.   He has my number, he knows my routine.  Why does he act like he has to make an appointment.  He knows I can't call him because he dailed star 69 or made his number private so I can't call it.

I told him he could call anything after 10:30 after the kids went to bed, but if all he wanted to talk about was business matters with ending our relationship, I couldn't do that.

He hasn't called.

I emailed him and asked him for an address.   He wrote back and gave me one a day or two later.   That's all he said.

He knows he can call me anytime but I can't ever call him.   He has said such bad things about me that not even one person whom I thought were my friends too, have asked me if I was ok.  Nobody.  It really really hurts.  

I have such bad times at night from the time I get home until I fall asleep.  

It is not right for him to be able to call me anytime (not that he does, he has no more desire to ever talk to me again).  But,  I can't call him and ask him for an address, or tell him there is mail, or ask him why the lawnmower doesn't work, or tell him that he left a big garbage bag of clothes sitting right in the kitchen floor.   I don't know if he wants it or he meant for me to throw it away.

The fact not one person I know has asked if I am ok, means that he has told likes and destroyed what people think of me.

He says he is staying at Greg's.   I haven't seen one single post on facebook from him.  I think he has blocked me from all interaction.   I did see Tammy's post about how she had dinner with Jerry and Barb and Greg, the foursome of them.  I guess the best thing to do would be to unfriend him from facebook.  Then I wouldn't be tempted to check it all the time to see if he posted anything,if he has changed his marital status or has pictures of him and some bimbo.  The he could be free to post anything he wants about all the new loves he has or all the new hates he has without worrying about me seeing them.

I guess the only thing that he wanted to talk to me about in his one line email to me was that he wanted to tell me to forward his mail and he wanted to know when I was going to draw up divorce papers and send them to him.

He was such a jerk to my kids and so stingy and wrong about paying his share of the marital expenses, that I think he behaved that way on purpose so he could move to Cinti, have the sympathy of all his friends, have all of them hate me, and then have whatever woman he's got on the line.

I should make him wait for years for a divorce like his last wife did.   He is being so terrible to me.   He can file for divorce anytime he wants and hire an attorney.   I'm not doing all the damn work though, when he won't even write proper emails or give me a number to call him.

I feel so sad

It's been since 1:00 a.m. Friday night since I last talked to him and that may be the last time ever.   I really miss him and I would give almost anything for him to hold me.   I know now that all he wants is for me to send him divorce papers, for him to sign them and for us to never have any other contact. 

I have news for him.  Even if I sent the papers (I don't even have an address or phone number for him), and he signed the papers, I couldn't file them.  I don't have the money.  I am not paying for it alone.  

I feel so terrible.  I feel so sad.

The one time I have heard from him since he moved out, he called me at 1 a.m. (an arranged time).  He blocked his phone number, as if I am so pathetic he had to block it so I wouldn't call him all the  time.  I can't call to tell him anything he left certain things here, about mail he may need, to ask him why the lawn mower won't work or anything.  And - he won't write me an email. 

I just wanted him to wake up and see how terrible he was to my children, how nonexistent they were to him.  I wanted him to be more a part of things, more financially responsible, and not just ride on my bumper.

He thinks he was right.   He thinks his treatment of my kids was either right or my fault, I am not sure because he alternated between the two.

I was so angry like a volcano at how many times I had asked him to be - more and he refused. 

Judging from what he has told me, it doesn't matter if I begged him, talked liked an encyclopedia or yelled and screamed.  He has now decided he was right all along and our views on child rearing and money were too different for us to have any more involvement.

He believed in loving on his kids all the time and doing things with them.   He believed in ignoring my kids.

He believed that I should pay for most things in the home because the kids in the home were not his.   He believed that he should have the benefit of their dad's child support.

I still love him.

Damn, that sucks.