Today

You are gone.   I have asked you a long time to be my partner, to be a stepfather, to particpate and help me in life.  You wouldn't do it.   It hurt me so long and so cumulatively, I finally snapped.  I told you to leave.  I couldn't live with someone who was so rude, no absent, where my kids were concerned.   I looked at it through their eyes one day, and I thought how sad that they have to live in a home where the so called stepfather says someone only every 72 hours or so like "who put cereal in the sink", or "I believe your mom told you to pick up your socks".   It hurt on behalf of my kids too.

The day before yesterday he brought a Uhaul with his buddies and took everything that was his, including the crappy old microwave the household had been using and the recycling bin I had bought.  He also left a huge garbage bag full of clothes in the kitchen floor.

I miss him so much.   I didn't want him to go.   I just wanted him to be my husband, my husband, not Sandy's.  I wanted him to work toward a life with me.   I wanted him to help me with the kids, not ignore them.   I wanted him to be in my life.

I feel so bad now.   I hurt all the  way from the top of my head to my knees, from my breastbone to the skin of my back.  The sorrow runs do deeply.

I went through so much nastiness with K and B (ex husband and his wife).   My husband never asked me about it.  I cried about it all the time.  He never asked me why, never wanted to know anything.   Every day I dealt with it, and every day my husband remained apart from it and me.  My ex and his wife stood together in their attacks and nastiness against me.  I was all alone.

I don't know why I feel so bad.   I love my husband so much.   I still do, just as much.

How do I make the love go away.

He left for awhile and just kept telling my friends and family that I was wrong and that I was crazy even though I had been begging him to help pay more for expenses, and to be part of the household.    He would concede a little and then take it all away.   He blamed me for all those years.   We were married 2 years or so and dated 2 years or so before that.   All those years he was mean or absent regarding my kids.  He said it was my fault because I wouldn't let him do things the way he wanted.

That enraged me.

Anyway, he is gone and I have no one and no body to talk to.   No one calls me except the occasional chicken ring of the phone with people wanting money from me.

My husband and I had friends together.   They are all rallying around him, patting him on the back, poor you, while he tells them I am crazy, wrong and that I kicked him out.  So they have all disowned me and no one even posts to me on facebook, calls, checks on me or anything. 

My mother has been terrible to me.