Finally talked

He called me tonight at 1:00 a.m.   He told me that he realized that our views on parenting and money were just so far apart we would never have worked.   He told me that he was right and if I had let him interact with the kids however he wanted, things would have been fine.  Never mind that I mostly paid for everything, but that's beside the point.

I asked him, do you mean that you didn't even speak to the girls day after day because "I wouldn't let you interact the way you wanted?"   (He didn't interact at all)

He said he wasn't getting into that, it had all been argued and I was wrong about it all.

He said to give him a time and he would call me again when I wasn't so tired.   I told him several times that I loved him.

He finally said, "I told you I would always love you".

He said we would never have worked, our views were too far apart.

I asked him if that meant we were done and he said "don't put that on me".  I said no, the ball is in your court.  He wouldn't answer. 

He just said there wasn't anything more to say, it had all been said.   I asked him if that meant that he wanted me to mail him divorce papers and he said, yes, that is what it means.

How do I feel?   Sad, lonely, lost.  Unloved.  Scared.

Friday

Here I am again.  It's my mother's birthday.  I am crying again.   I can't do my work, I keep crying.  

I feel so lonely.    He must have given his friends a real sob story for them all to ignore my emails.

He just packed up his stuff in the rain and left.   He even took the anciently old microwave.   It was worth about $5.   He didn't even take anything like that when he left his prior wife's house, not one dish.

But he took the microwave that the kids and I had been using, after all of us (including him) had the benefit of two brand new ones which blew up.

I ramble on.   The microwave doesn't matter.  

Lonely and sad

I cried all the way home from work.   I cried while I fixed pizza crusts with olive oil and herbs and put them in the oven.  I am all alone.   My children are with their father.  I've had no contact from him since I called him on Tuesday, the day he left me.   No emails or phone calls.   No word from him or of him. 

Clearly he has told his (once our) friends some bad things about me or they would want to know how I am doing.  

I am doing badly.

I am pathetic.

I am crying again, listening to the computer whirl, the dog is squeaking her toy.   The ceiling leaked again.   His ear phones are gone, his glasses are gone, he is gone.

I want to talk to him or hold him so badly. 

I know we couldn't live together because he couldn't be a husband and step father, even a very good roommate but I wish things had ended differently.  I wish I hadn't been so angry.  I wish I had taken some of the love he was offering.  I wanted it and needed it so badly.

I bet he is drinking it up with his buddies or with his new love, making fun of me.

Conversation just now

I work with my father.   I hate every second of it.   This is the conversation we just had:

Father:  So what's got you in such a funk lately? 

(I've been sick for about a year, I hurt all over, I took medication that made me sicker, my ex husband and his wife wrote 10 page hate letters to me if my kids wanted to miss one hour with their father, my husband didn't care, and .....my husband just left me because he didn't want to be my partner.)

Me:   What hasn't got me in a funk?

Father:   Well, you look fine.  I mean you don't have any outward signs of broken bones or anything.

(How sympathetic he is.)

Me:  (I look down at the floor and get ready to cry again).   (For the past year, I have averaged crying about 5 minutes of every hour.   For the past month, I have averaged crying about 15 minutes of every hour.  For the last 4 days I have cried about 45 minutes of every hour).

Today

You are gone.   I have asked you a long time to be my partner, to be a stepfather, to particpate and help me in life.  You wouldn't do it.   It hurt me so long and so cumulatively, I finally snapped.  I told you to leave.  I couldn't live with someone who was so rude, no absent, where my kids were concerned.   I looked at it through their eyes one day, and I thought how sad that they have to live in a home where the so called stepfather says someone only every 72 hours or so like "who put cereal in the sink", or "I believe your mom told you to pick up your socks".   It hurt on behalf of my kids too.

The day before yesterday he brought a Uhaul with his buddies and took everything that was his, including the crappy old microwave the household had been using and the recycling bin I had bought.  He also left a huge garbage bag full of clothes in the kitchen floor.

I miss him so much.   I didn't want him to go.   I just wanted him to be my husband, my husband, not Sandy's.  I wanted him to work toward a life with me.   I wanted him to help me with the kids, not ignore them.   I wanted him to be in my life.

I feel so bad now.   I hurt all the  way from the top of my head to my knees, from my breastbone to the skin of my back.  The sorrow runs do deeply.

I went through so much nastiness with K and B (ex husband and his wife).   My husband never asked me about it.  I cried about it all the time.  He never asked me why, never wanted to know anything.   Every day I dealt with it, and every day my husband remained apart from it and me.  My ex and his wife stood together in their attacks and nastiness against me.  I was all alone.

I don't know why I feel so bad.   I love my husband so much.   I still do, just as much.

How do I make the love go away.

He left for awhile and just kept telling my friends and family that I was wrong and that I was crazy even though I had been begging him to help pay more for expenses, and to be part of the household.    He would concede a little and then take it all away.   He blamed me for all those years.   We were married 2 years or so and dated 2 years or so before that.   All those years he was mean or absent regarding my kids.  He said it was my fault because I wouldn't let him do things the way he wanted.

That enraged me.

Anyway, he is gone and I have no one and no body to talk to.   No one calls me except the occasional chicken ring of the phone with people wanting money from me.

My husband and I had friends together.   They are all rallying around him, patting him on the back, poor you, while he tells them I am crazy, wrong and that I kicked him out.  So they have all disowned me and no one even posts to me on facebook, calls, checks on me or anything. 

My mother has been terrible to me.