Monday, Dec. 6

This weekend was bad.  I was lonely and I felt so sad.   I cried a lot.  I am crying still, right now.   I hadn't heard anything from him in 2 weeks or more and then I got a brief email asking me to hurry up and get the divorce done.

It made me so upset.   I know without a doubt that he is seeing somebody else or it wouldn't be a priority.

He was married to someone else for years and wouldn't do anything to get divorced, and it nearly killed me.  

He is such a jerk.  I know he definately doesn't love me now but I don't think he ever did.  

I imagine when he gets the decree around Christmas, he and his new lover will celebrate and then make fun of me and my sorrow....
Please God let me HATE him, please, take away all good feelings.  

I hurt

I am hurting so bad tonight.   The pain just keeps going and going.   It was so awful the way he treated me a couple of weeks ago when we had lunch...it's like he went out of his way to rip some stuff out of my heart.   I was looking down at my food sobbing and he just kept going on and on.   He complained about how I unfriended him on facebook (after he told me he no longer wanted any relationship with me...except that he said ...someday....maybe in the future....someday.....we could have a conversation again...or something like that.   He told me he wanted nothing to do with me otherwise and it seemed like he was blocking me from seeing his facebook so I unfriend him so I could stop myself from checking over and over to see if there was anything new. 

Days after I unfriended him (only because it seemed he had already sorta done that), I got another request from an old boy friend to be his facebook friend.  I accepted it.  Remember, Jerry said he wanted no more relationship with me and he was no longer my facebook friend.

Why would he care who was or wasn't a contact on facebook since he didn't even want to talk to me on the phone anymore, we weren't friends on facebook and he didn't want me.

He has been mean to the extreme.   He either has no contact or kicks me when I am down...and I am so so down.

I actually asked a guy at the studio if he wanted to be a simple friend to hang out with at an occasional movie or something and he totally blew me off.

As if I hadn't felt bad enough about things.

J has had no contact with me.

I know he has somebody else.  

I know how he is.   He wouldn't even pretend to date me until he asked his wife 6 to 8 months after she kicked him out and she gave him her blessings.   That's the way he does things.

I hate him and I love him.  I hope hate wins out soon.

Yesterday

I told him that he left a bag of clothes in the kitchen and asked what he intended to do with them.   He drove 6 hours round trip for a bag of old long johns.  He came to town and called me on the phone.  First time and I guess only time he called me with his number revealed.

He told me he was in town to get his bag.  I asked if I could see him.   He said no.

I begged him to have intimate relations with him every way I knew how, humiliating myself.  He said no.

I am pathetic.

I sent him a text message later and asked him to reconsider having sex with me, even though he doesn't want me anymore.  Sex was great between us and why not have sex every now and then.   I want no other man.   He never wrote back.

I sent him a text tonight and asked if he might just want to talk to me.   I asked him to text if he did.   I never heard from him.

I get the message. . .no message.   

I know that I miss him so badly I will use his number and he will hate me more.   So I had my daughter delete his number from my phone and call history.

I lived and still loved a man for  five years who treated my children like gnats and who thought of me as a crutch to help him pay his way.   When it finally got to me and I blew like a volcano after years and years of begging, he decided he was done.   He never said much about the money, just said it was all my fault about the kids because I wouldn't let him do things his way.   ....like that explains why he would sit in a room with one of the girls and just occasionally say something negative like he was swatting at the gnat.

I still love him.

Stupid, stupid me.

Stupid.

Today

It's all so hard.  It's all so humiliating.  He called me once from a private number and told me that what he wants to do is get a divorce, he wouldn't give me the phone number.

Then he sends me this cold brief email asking when would be a good time to call.   He has my number, he knows my routine.  Why does he act like he has to make an appointment.  He knows I can't call him because he dailed star 69 or made his number private so I can't call it.

I told him he could call anything after 10:30 after the kids went to bed, but if all he wanted to talk about was business matters with ending our relationship, I couldn't do that.

He hasn't called.

I emailed him and asked him for an address.   He wrote back and gave me one a day or two later.   That's all he said.

He knows he can call me anytime but I can't ever call him.   He has said such bad things about me that not even one person whom I thought were my friends too, have asked me if I was ok.  Nobody.  It really really hurts.  

I have such bad times at night from the time I get home until I fall asleep.  

It is not right for him to be able to call me anytime (not that he does, he has no more desire to ever talk to me again).  But,  I can't call him and ask him for an address, or tell him there is mail, or ask him why the lawnmower doesn't work, or tell him that he left a big garbage bag of clothes sitting right in the kitchen floor.   I don't know if he wants it or he meant for me to throw it away.

The fact not one person I know has asked if I am ok, means that he has told likes and destroyed what people think of me.

He says he is staying at Greg's.   I haven't seen one single post on facebook from him.  I think he has blocked me from all interaction.   I did see Tammy's post about how she had dinner with Jerry and Barb and Greg, the foursome of them.  I guess the best thing to do would be to unfriend him from facebook.  Then I wouldn't be tempted to check it all the time to see if he posted anything,if he has changed his marital status or has pictures of him and some bimbo.  The he could be free to post anything he wants about all the new loves he has or all the new hates he has without worrying about me seeing them.

I guess the only thing that he wanted to talk to me about in his one line email to me was that he wanted to tell me to forward his mail and he wanted to know when I was going to draw up divorce papers and send them to him.

He was such a jerk to my kids and so stingy and wrong about paying his share of the marital expenses, that I think he behaved that way on purpose so he could move to Cinti, have the sympathy of all his friends, have all of them hate me, and then have whatever woman he's got on the line.

I should make him wait for years for a divorce like his last wife did.   He is being so terrible to me.   He can file for divorce anytime he wants and hire an attorney.   I'm not doing all the damn work though, when he won't even write proper emails or give me a number to call him.

I feel so sad

It's been since 1:00 a.m. Friday night since I last talked to him and that may be the last time ever.   I really miss him and I would give almost anything for him to hold me.   I know now that all he wants is for me to send him divorce papers, for him to sign them and for us to never have any other contact. 

I have news for him.  Even if I sent the papers (I don't even have an address or phone number for him), and he signed the papers, I couldn't file them.  I don't have the money.  I am not paying for it alone.  

I feel so terrible.  I feel so sad.

The one time I have heard from him since he moved out, he called me at 1 a.m. (an arranged time).  He blocked his phone number, as if I am so pathetic he had to block it so I wouldn't call him all the  time.  I can't call to tell him anything he left certain things here, about mail he may need, to ask him why the lawn mower won't work or anything.  And - he won't write me an email. 

I just wanted him to wake up and see how terrible he was to my children, how nonexistent they were to him.  I wanted him to be more a part of things, more financially responsible, and not just ride on my bumper.

He thinks he was right.   He thinks his treatment of my kids was either right or my fault, I am not sure because he alternated between the two.

I was so angry like a volcano at how many times I had asked him to be - more and he refused. 

Judging from what he has told me, it doesn't matter if I begged him, talked liked an encyclopedia or yelled and screamed.  He has now decided he was right all along and our views on child rearing and money were too different for us to have any more involvement.

He believed in loving on his kids all the time and doing things with them.   He believed in ignoring my kids.

He believed that I should pay for most things in the home because the kids in the home were not his.   He believed that he should have the benefit of their dad's child support.

I still love him.

Damn, that sucks.

Finally talked

He called me tonight at 1:00 a.m.   He told me that he realized that our views on parenting and money were just so far apart we would never have worked.   He told me that he was right and if I had let him interact with the kids however he wanted, things would have been fine.  Never mind that I mostly paid for everything, but that's beside the point.

I asked him, do you mean that you didn't even speak to the girls day after day because "I wouldn't let you interact the way you wanted?"   (He didn't interact at all)

He said he wasn't getting into that, it had all been argued and I was wrong about it all.

He said to give him a time and he would call me again when I wasn't so tired.   I told him several times that I loved him.

He finally said, "I told you I would always love you".

He said we would never have worked, our views were too far apart.

I asked him if that meant we were done and he said "don't put that on me".  I said no, the ball is in your court.  He wouldn't answer. 

He just said there wasn't anything more to say, it had all been said.   I asked him if that meant that he wanted me to mail him divorce papers and he said, yes, that is what it means.

How do I feel?   Sad, lonely, lost.  Unloved.  Scared.

Friday

Here I am again.  It's my mother's birthday.  I am crying again.   I can't do my work, I keep crying.  

I feel so lonely.    He must have given his friends a real sob story for them all to ignore my emails.

He just packed up his stuff in the rain and left.   He even took the anciently old microwave.   It was worth about $5.   He didn't even take anything like that when he left his prior wife's house, not one dish.

But he took the microwave that the kids and I had been using, after all of us (including him) had the benefit of two brand new ones which blew up.

I ramble on.   The microwave doesn't matter.  

Lonely and sad

I cried all the way home from work.   I cried while I fixed pizza crusts with olive oil and herbs and put them in the oven.  I am all alone.   My children are with their father.  I've had no contact from him since I called him on Tuesday, the day he left me.   No emails or phone calls.   No word from him or of him. 

Clearly he has told his (once our) friends some bad things about me or they would want to know how I am doing.  

I am doing badly.

I am pathetic.

I am crying again, listening to the computer whirl, the dog is squeaking her toy.   The ceiling leaked again.   His ear phones are gone, his glasses are gone, he is gone.

I want to talk to him or hold him so badly. 

I know we couldn't live together because he couldn't be a husband and step father, even a very good roommate but I wish things had ended differently.  I wish I hadn't been so angry.  I wish I had taken some of the love he was offering.  I wanted it and needed it so badly.

I bet he is drinking it up with his buddies or with his new love, making fun of me.

Conversation just now

I work with my father.   I hate every second of it.   This is the conversation we just had:

Father:  So what's got you in such a funk lately? 

(I've been sick for about a year, I hurt all over, I took medication that made me sicker, my ex husband and his wife wrote 10 page hate letters to me if my kids wanted to miss one hour with their father, my husband didn't care, and .....my husband just left me because he didn't want to be my partner.)

Me:   What hasn't got me in a funk?

Father:   Well, you look fine.  I mean you don't have any outward signs of broken bones or anything.

(How sympathetic he is.)

Me:  (I look down at the floor and get ready to cry again).   (For the past year, I have averaged crying about 5 minutes of every hour.   For the past month, I have averaged crying about 15 minutes of every hour.  For the last 4 days I have cried about 45 minutes of every hour).

Today

You are gone.   I have asked you a long time to be my partner, to be a stepfather, to particpate and help me in life.  You wouldn't do it.   It hurt me so long and so cumulatively, I finally snapped.  I told you to leave.  I couldn't live with someone who was so rude, no absent, where my kids were concerned.   I looked at it through their eyes one day, and I thought how sad that they have to live in a home where the so called stepfather says someone only every 72 hours or so like "who put cereal in the sink", or "I believe your mom told you to pick up your socks".   It hurt on behalf of my kids too.

The day before yesterday he brought a Uhaul with his buddies and took everything that was his, including the crappy old microwave the household had been using and the recycling bin I had bought.  He also left a huge garbage bag full of clothes in the kitchen floor.

I miss him so much.   I didn't want him to go.   I just wanted him to be my husband, my husband, not Sandy's.  I wanted him to work toward a life with me.   I wanted him to help me with the kids, not ignore them.   I wanted him to be in my life.

I feel so bad now.   I hurt all the  way from the top of my head to my knees, from my breastbone to the skin of my back.  The sorrow runs do deeply.

I went through so much nastiness with K and B (ex husband and his wife).   My husband never asked me about it.  I cried about it all the time.  He never asked me why, never wanted to know anything.   Every day I dealt with it, and every day my husband remained apart from it and me.  My ex and his wife stood together in their attacks and nastiness against me.  I was all alone.

I don't know why I feel so bad.   I love my husband so much.   I still do, just as much.

How do I make the love go away.

He left for awhile and just kept telling my friends and family that I was wrong and that I was crazy even though I had been begging him to help pay more for expenses, and to be part of the household.    He would concede a little and then take it all away.   He blamed me for all those years.   We were married 2 years or so and dated 2 years or so before that.   All those years he was mean or absent regarding my kids.  He said it was my fault because I wouldn't let him do things the way he wanted.

That enraged me.

Anyway, he is gone and I have no one and no body to talk to.   No one calls me except the occasional chicken ring of the phone with people wanting money from me.

My husband and I had friends together.   They are all rallying around him, patting him on the back, poor you, while he tells them I am crazy, wrong and that I kicked him out.  So they have all disowned me and no one even posts to me on facebook, calls, checks on me or anything. 

My mother has been terrible to me.

WTF

I came home late from the store. I talked to Chris Hayes, brought all the stuff in from outside and then talked a long time to Laurie. There is nothing weird with Chris Hayes, haven't seen him since he came to the office about a year ago and only've had emails and such. He's just an acquaintenance. He talked about NPR, photography and stuff. He's just wordy. Laurie and I were talking about making stuff, food, henna, etc.

Right as I was getting ready to come home, this pain started in my elbows. It was significant and became quite intense around the time I came home. I remember opening the back of the car to show Laurie a table I bought as I was getting ready to leave. My elbows felt ok then. Soon after that the pain set in and radiated down to my hands. It also did in my hips and my feet. Every joint hurt, mid back, neck, knees, jaw. My hips and elbows hurt intensely.

It was really bad and I began to cry. I was going to the computer again to look up symptoms but couldnt find anything. I hurt so bad. I walked around but my hips felt very stiff and sore. I felt very bad. Headache, hot, sweaty.

I've been sick all week and Jerry has been vile, absolutely vile toward me.

I was on my way to use the computer again when I felt I couldn't take another step. I just wanted to ease the pain. I got on all 4s by Camille's closet. It hurt to lock my elbows, it hurt my hips. I coulnd't get comfortable. I was crying from the pain.

Jerry came and stood in the doorway, aloof and said "what are you doing there on the floor?" in a very angry way. He was mean. I climbed up and he marched into the bedroom, with his back to me. He showed me no sympathy, no feelings of love. NOTHING BUT HATRED.

NOTHING BUT HATRED

I was crying. I managed to get up and started to follow him until I saw him go in the bedroom. The tV and living room lights were off. Lately, he has been putting his lips to the top of my head and going to bed, telling me goodnight and then shutting the bedroom door. I felt like there was some kind of forcefield keeping me from going to the bedroom too. Like he was telling me I couldn't come in there. Some nights he didn't even tell me he was going to bed.

I went into the living room and sat on the couch. My hips and elbows were so sore and stiff. I was crying from the pain and the way he was being. He said that I was supposed to be home at 8 and I didn't get home until 11 and I didn't give him any explanation. That's the first thing I said, I apologized and explained.

He said I didnt have any pain at the store. I was crying so hard. I was sitting on the couch balling. He came and threw a photograph at me of a group wedding shot from the wedding of Bill and I. He said it was on the bed, that he found it in "our bed". It must have been when I dumped the junk box out looking for pieces of broken jewelry to use on the little green chair.

I cried so hard. He doens't care about me. Don't EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER believe he does again.

I was in so much pain and miserable. I was out of my mind with a broken heart, misery and pain that I left. I was crying so hard I couldn't breathe. I left. I had nowhere to go. I drove to the office. Here i am. I love him but I hate him.

Hate must prevail because he IS EVIL TOWARD ME. HE HAS TURNED INTO SOMEONE WHO REALLY REALLY DOES HATE ME.

Now here I am at the office, no bra, jeans, headache, miserable. Still have pain