What Am I Doing?

You! How Sad and Unhappy you make me feel! Yes, there are small periods of good things (but mostly because I try to forget how unhappy you make me) but the larger portion of our relationship seems to bring me sadness. I don't know who I am anymore. I cry all the time, I feel like doing very little.

It seems like our past relationship is made up mostly of pain and the future holds virtually nothing for me. What do you want out of life anyway? You don't believe in God, you don't believe in Christmas, you don't even consider it a time of peace to share with family and enjoy the lights. Nope you hate it because you have to buy 3 presents, nevermind people like me and your prior wife who have dozens of Christmas related obligations. You don't want vacations with me...don't know about your real wives....although I know you had vacations with them. All I see is that if you go on vacation with me, you are afraid you will have to spend a buck. I guess the drawbacks are all in spending a buck, there are no benefits for you. Nothing good can come from spending a week or so in leisure activities with the people you claim to love. I know you love your kids...don't know much else about you. You like music, you like telephones, you like TV, you like computers, you certainly spend countless hours in those endeavors. I guess that is all the really makes you happy. Just the staccato ridiculous repetition, played over and over of getting up with dingy white walls, putting on your boots, going to work at the same occupation every day for the rest of your life, .....It's like Groundhog Day. Even if you relived the same Groundhog day for the rest of your life...as long as it included tv, phone, computer, some contact with your kids, maybe some kind of sexual thing...you would be happy.

Do you say fuck to all those people who think competition, ambition, art, love, compatability, family (except for your two children), progress, peace, and relaxation are important concepts?

What are we doing together? You have spit in my face at every important step we should have taken together. What the fuck am I doing? My head is spinning. I hardly ever sleep. I am fat, squishy, dry, ugly, unloved. Damn, Jerry Brandenburg, if you loved me, you wouldn't make me feel that way.

When it came time for you to get a divorce, you repeatedly told me to fuck off. Even though we had made promises to each other, they matter naught to you. You were holding on to that fat thing, to your life with her and the 20 year old white walls, your Christmases with her, your vacations with her, everything with her. You told me you weren't working on getting a divorce even though a year and a half had rolled by. You saw a vivacious, fit, happy, in love, attractive, stable person melt into.......ME! You saw me fall on the ground repeatedly in tears, my heart breaking, so sad I couldn't stand it. You had no reaction to it.

You kept telling me that you wouldn't push her to get a divorce no matter how long it took, no matter what happened to me, because you wanted to remain close friends with her so that you could see your kids whenever you wanted and so that you could get your child support lowered.

Ha. In the fucking end, you only get to see them when it is convenient to her and SHE decides not to over schedule them. In the fucking end, you paid more child support than you owed. In the fucking end you didn't even listen to me, you let her have SOLE custody when 95% of every other marriage with kids ends in joint custody. You refused to listen to me when I tried to get you to understand how much financial impact it would have on us, you letting Sandy have all your equity in the house. You tell me you are a tried old tree man, your body falling apat, and you have very little earning capacity. Yet, you doomed me and our relationship but letting go of the only asset you could bring to your marriage. Since you didn't want Sandy to have to make any calls, drive her car, mail anything, it was just too much trouble for her, you didn't want to say boo to her, you let her have the only financial resource you had, the house. You let her have it and now a HUGE burden instead falls on me, I have to pay for things you should be helping out with because you don't have any financial resources.

Why didn't I see? Why didn't I see how little HOW VERY LITTLE I TRULY MATTERED TO YOU? You would still be in the cracker box of a dingy white walled house with her, laying on your old dingy couch, if she hadn't kicked you out, wouldn't you?

When it came time to discuss the elements of your divorce after there was very little left of me, you told me to FUCK off again. Under no circumstances, you said, would you make your wife drive to a bank or make a phone call so that you could have an actual asset to take into a theoretical life with me. Nope. Fuck off Lisa you said. I will not make my wife have to figure out a different mortgage arrangement so that I can actually have something economic other than $425 a month to contribute. You will have to figure out a way for us to have a home Lisa. I will hide my head in the sand and deny that you pay 2/3 of our joint expenses. So what if Chloe and Camille have to live in the projects or in my jeep? It matters naught to me as long as I don't cause my wife any trouble because then I would have to pay more child support or not see my kids whenever I wanted.

It matters naught to him that we will never own a home together, that we will be forced to rent some dump, living in poverty because that is all she can afford. Hey, Lisa, I will get MY money from the house in 8 or 10 years because then the house will be paid off and then I will force my wife Sandy, with whom I've owned a home (while you and I have lived in a dump all these years) to then refinance, even though my kids will still live there. I wouldn't make her refinance when it mattered, why the fuck should I when the house is paid off. I assure you, Lisa, I will STILL profess that I don't want to cause the big fat chick any trouble. In 8-10 years, interests rates will suck even when they were at an all time low when you divorced. Because they will be higher in 8-10 years, you will just continue to let the WIFE have the house, all the equity. It's okay if you have little to contribute to a life with Lisa because she will work her ass off to take up the slack. It doesn't matter that Chloe and Camille, whom we will have uprooted and dragged away from EVERYTHING THEY EVER KNEW will have to live in a shithole because you didn't want Sandy to have to do any paperwork to refinance.

Lisa has a law degree and earning potential to contribute to the relationship. She is also always trying to find side things to fill in the gaps. You had the equity in your home but didnt' want to cause my darling wifey any trouble.

Well, after Lisa made herself not think about all the pain you had caused her and you finally did get a divorce after all that time and left your only real economic contribution to the new relationship with Sandy, after he was finally divorced.....did he do everything he could to make it up to Lisa, the person HE SAID he loved? Did he make up for all the pain he caused her, all the tears, how he had changed her from a vibrant, fit, happy person, to someone who felt repeatedly rejected? Hell, NO!!!! No.

What did he do?

He said.....I can't marry you. In his abject denial, he says he didn't say I can't marry you. He says I can't marry you right now. I am not asking you to marry me now, Jerry, I said. I am asking for us to talk about when. I can't talk about when, you fucking said. I can't talk about when until I can make my children an absolute promise that I will be in Cincinnati in a year or two. The only way you can make an absolute promise, is if I already lived in Cincinnati. You said that is what it would take....I would have to uproot my children from absolutely EVERYTHING and take them to Cincinnati alone and then you would consider talking about when we might marry because then you could make them the absoulte promise.

You told me many times that if you married me, you would betray your kids. You deny that now, which I can't believe, but you told me it many times.

It wasn't enough that you saw how sad you had made me all that time I wanted to be with you and you refused to get a divorce. How you looked at me with cold cold eyes when I cried so hard I couldn't see. No, you had to tell me you would betray your kids if you married me, even though you assured me that even after I dragged Bill and my kids through a possibly terrible court battle and lost, you would leave me anyway.

Why the fuck didn't I see what you were doing to me, you little you considered me, how little I mattered? Why didn't I put an end up my suffering and walk away from you? I hate admitting this, it is a terrible thing to face, but sometimes I wish I had walked away. At least I wouldn't feel this huge painful gap in my heart.

And it doesn't matter to you how hard I work around the house, how much more time I spend in domestic chores to you. You would lie or sit on the couch, talk on the phone, etc. and watch me fall over dead before you would consider me equal enough for you to think about making my life better by trying to more equally divide the chores, obligations and responsibilities in life.

Have you always been this way? Did you do that shit to Sandy or is it just me?

I think you must have done some of it to her because as soon as she kicked you out, she started to make herself feel better, something she must have wanted for a long time, by getting new furniture, sprucing up things, and yes Jerry.....PAINTING.

You refused to go on a vacation with me a couple of years ago when I very much wanted to spend some quality time with you. You made me suffer terribly just for the fun of it. You acted like I was a terrible person just because I wanted to spend a week with you. I remember that well but I am sure you would deny it.

You refused to bring your kids and share a hotel room with the girls and I so that they could see Chloe's dance competition. You didn't care that I was paying. You didn't care that it was important to Chloe and me. You didn't care... You made me suffer then too. Nope, you refused because Sandy's dad, your father in law was sick and somehow the kids having a nice weekend in a hotel was just too much in your mind for Sandy to think about. You didn't care what you rigid terribly mean refusal did to me.

These were all ominous signs of how little a life you wanted with me. Why didn't I heed them and walk away?

You refused to help me find a place for us to live when we were supposed to be planning a future together although you sure criticized it often enough.

You refused to help me move after I did find a place even though you weren't even living with Sandy at the time. She had kicked you out, you were living in your jeep, but you WOULDN'T help me move because you didn't want anybody to know about us. You had been out of the home you and Sandy still own together for 6 weeks at that time. (Lest you should ever read this and deny the 6 weeks thing...Sandy kicked you out Dec. 3, I moved in here on Jan. 16.)

You would barely even acknowledge you even knew me at all until YOU ASKED your wife if it was ok. I had to wait to be acknowledged until you ASKED YOUR WIFE if it was ok?

What an ominous sign, why didn't I walk away?

Your rigid, unbending, repetitive, denial of a life with me is killing me.

You refused to have anything to do with putting up or taking down Christmas decorations or cleaning up the aftermath even though you and your children reaped the benefits of it. "Please tell me you have a Christmas tree, daddy", they said. You assured them we did. You got lots and lots of Christmas presents from me and my family. Neverthess, no matter how much work I had to do because of your refusal to do YOUR SHARE, you still refused. You thought "Nope, I shall not have anything to do with the labor of Christmas even though I and my children benefitted. I want no part of the obligations in life, only the things I want to do. I shall only do the things I want to do in life even if it kills YOU. Even though you were very tired and disliked putting the Christmas stuff away too, I refused to put away anything or clean up anything because I don't like it.

It doesn't matter that you didn't like, Lisa. I do nothing I don't want, regardless of you. "

That really is the theme of our relationship, isn't it? I've been given that feedback from you so many times I could puke. And you blame my sadness and depression from basically November, 2005 until January 2, 2008 on my periods, hormones and 3 rimonobant taken in May, 2008.

You have said or thought these things and it sucks that you do:

"I will not go on vacation with you, regardless of you.
I will not do my share of the cleaning regardless of you.
I will not fold clothes, put them away, run the vacume regardless of you
I will not clean widows, tables, tvs, walls, dust regardless of you
I will not change sheets, dust, clean the computer area .......................
I will not pay my share of the cell bill ..........................
I will not pay my share of the bills ............................
I will not do things with you that make you happy ..........................
I will not spend more time with you in the evenings ....................
I will not have an outdoor sitting area .......................
I will not under any circumstances help care for your kids, you are alone in that....................
I will never take your kids anywhere ..........................
I will never cultivate a relationship with your kids .......................
I will never try to treat your kids like you do mine ............................
I will never buy your kids things ..........................
I will never drop your drycleaning off .........................
I will never help you be happy ..........................
I will not take on more household and kid responsiblity ............................
Even if that means you have 1/10 the time to yourself I have ..........................
I will only clean the bathroom about once every 14 months ........................
I will only do an hour of lawnmowing, my laundry,
and very rare dishes ............................
I will not be flexible where we live in the future .......................
I assure you that when we move to Cincinnati, it will have to be in Goshen cause the school system is fine for my kids, it doesn't matter how you feel about it .....................
I assure you that even after we move to Cinci, I will still only mow once a week and the rare dishes even though I have cut you off from all family help ........................
I will complain about dance regularly ..........................
I will NEVER PAINT (doesn't matter that one's surroundings and a nice looking home, the color of your walls, and a pleasant habitat are important. ................................
I will NEVER PAINT even though it is absolutely vital to you that you have a happy, pleasant and cheerful place to live...you can paint, just tell me when so I may leave you alone as long as it takes you to do the unpleasant labor... because I am so FUCKING selfish that even though I will
reap the benefits of a pleasant and cheerful home, I will NEVER PAINT, even though a happy place to live is vitally important to you since I HAVE TAKEN away every other facet of life from you...and if you die with absolute exhaustion when you are forced to paint alone for weeks
DON'T FUCKING CALL ME, REMEMBER, JUST CALL THE MORGUE ..................................

Jerry, we shouldn't be together. This isn't the life or lack of it that I want. I am very unhappy and things will NEVER be better. I am just discovering more and more disturbing things on a regular basis.

When you have taken away everything which once mattered to me and we live in a hovel with dingy white walls and, when I am depressed since I have only had pain in the past and nothing to look forward to in the future, when I am extremely fat and introverted and so fat I have to sleep in a CHAIR and wear stirrup pants, maybe then you WILL FEEL fulfilled.

Me, I want to die.