I am fighting against the stream

I haven't slept all night. My stomach was like a swirling, boiling caldron, gurgling and bubbling. I had significant pain and discomfort in my back, near both kidneys. Now it is 9:49 a.m. and I feel sleepy, ill and sad.

Last night I asked Jerry if he wanted a brownie. He nodded, reached for the bag and then Camille said, "don't eat them all". He chose not to eat any. I said, "don't be like that". It didn't matter. He was going to and will be like that no matter how much I ask, how much I beg, how much I show him, how much I argue.

He said nothing more to Camille that night, looked upon her no further. He said nothing more to me. After awhile I went into the computer room, where he spends at least half his time, and asked him if he was going to rejoin us at all. About 30 minutes later he came in the room silently and did not look at us, sat on the couch and went to sleep. Camille fell asleep and I put her to bed.

Some time later, he said that he didn't know what he did wrong. I said that he cut Camille and I off because of the brownie thing. That he was going to eat one until she said don't eat them all and then after that he stopped interacting with us. He never does that kind of thing with his kids. Sometimes he snaps at them but he never withdraws for very long from them and soon returns to touching and loving on them. He hardly ever talks to or looks at Chloe and certainly never interacts with her or touches her. He only interacts with Camille because she is only 5 and doesn't know how he dislikes my children yet.

After I calmly told him how he had overreacted and treated Camille and I badly over the brownies, he got angry and shouted profanity at me. I can't deal with this kind of thing anymore, how he becomes aggressive, follows me around, gets in my face when I am trying to stop the escalation. I stopped talking about it and he just sat there for awhile. I was looking at the tv because he was upsetting me so, but I have no idea what was on. My mind and heart were a tornado of spinning emotions. He turned off the television so I wouldn't look at it. I asked him to turn it back on, I was about to tell him that it would be a bad idea to have only our voices arguing without the diffusing noise of the tv. He said that I showed him that "he doesn't matter to me" because I wouldn't stop watching tv. It wasn't even anything I cared about, I just didn't want Camille to hear us. I was so upset my brain wouldn't let me even "see" the tv.

All I need is for the children to feel more tension and feeling that Jerry hates them. The talk with Camille and Chloe at McDonalds last Sunday night still has me very torn up. They are suffering with the way Jerry treats them, at best like walls. Apparently they are telling Bill's little therapist about it and he will end up taking them away from me or they will not want to be with me anymore. Why would they? Chloe feels upset all the time in my home with a man who doesn't want her around. He had a mean daughter who says nasty things to my little girl just because she looks at her. He thinks his children are perfect and if mine sneeze he goes on and on about how terrible it was, NEVER EVER anything positive from him. No bonding attempts, no interactions.

After a while he calmed down and told me that he didn't want to leave in the morning with this hanging over us, that he was sorry for the profanity. I told him how I felt about his treatment of my children, how they feel, about our talk at McDonalds, how upset I am, all of it. I talked for a very long time, most of the time holding his arms. I finally sat down because I had to step away to blow my nose where I had been crying.

All he said at the end was "well, I see it completely differently". It felt a terrible blow to me and our relationship. I have begged and pleaded for him to make effort, to undertake some kind of method or effort to get harmony in the household, to actually care what happens to my kids. After everything I said, all he said was that he sees it differently. It was clear that nothing will ever get better, he will never make ANY effort. We are at a crisis here and he only cares about himself. It felt completely and utterly hopeless and I believe both emotionally and rationally, that it is. I know that Jerry can't and won't do anything to improve the situation. He just doesn't have any empathy or care for my children even though I love them more than my life. It doesn't matter to him. I must protect them from a horrible life with a man who hates them, even if I had to live my life without Jerry.

It seems to me that both he and I, at this point, would be happier without each other.

I was awake all night and I feel terrible, I am ill, I am upset, sad, tired. I am like this far too much. I don't have much health anymore and it is because of Jerry's attitude. I need to end this. I know I do. I love Jerry so very much but he isn't capable of living with me and finding a caring attitude for my little girls. He and I need to let each other go.

Today

I have a giant lump in my throat, my heart was beating very hard, I felt like I couldn't drag a full breath into my chest, and I couldn't stop crying. Jerry left me this morning, went to GSP. He was distant and cold and knew I had been crying but just didn't care. All this because I talked to him about his lack of symptathy for my little girl's sickness.

After I talked to him, he stopped talking to me. He became cold, wouldn't talk, wouldn't look at me. It contradicted everything he said he was going to do, like working out problems without feelings and talking about things, trying to resolve problems without fighting.

The way he dealt with it hurt me so. I had wanted to spend the evening holding each other. I really felt like I needed him. I was telling him earlier Friday that I was desirious of him and I sensed an odd response like he was pulling away. It bothered me and made me feel very unattractive but I figured it would all be okay when we were alone later.

But he went to bed that night and shut the door. He hadn't talked to me or looked at me all evening. He had chosen to stay in any room which Chloe and I weren't in. I tried to approach him several times but he had closed me out. It really hurt.

Finally I gave up and sat with Chloe. He asked to see me just so he could say "what do you think about me going to GSP"? What do I think? What do I think? "You won't talk to me, look at me, be in the same room with me, have anything to do with me because I tried to resolve a problem with you and now you want to drive 3 hours to be away with me, on the weekend, and at a time I needed you?" I was so hurt by him I couldn't talk to him. I started crying and I couldn't stop.

He left me this morning. He woke me up before 6 to tell me he was leaving. He expected ME to say something. He didn't say anything. Just left. I felt so terrible, so unwanted. I feel stupid for getting so emotionally close to him again. As soon as I felt close enough to talk with him about something, he stopped wanting me, loving me, and then chose to spend his weekend without me.

I told him I should have known better than to trust him. I meant it. When will I learn? As soon as I let my defenses down, this happens. My heart can't take it. My love can't take it. I feel so bad, so lonely, so sad.

He can't possibly want me the same way I want him. I guess we are all wrong for each other. He wants a Sandy who isn't size 99 and likes caving. He doesn't want me. He doesn't want to marry me, he can't possibly. We need to face that its never gonna work out.

I need something to kill this pain.

I feel sad.

Things were going pretty well for a while, until today. We even talked about setting a W date. Damn, I can't even type the word.

Chloe started getting sick on Monday and when Bill picked her up Wednesday, she had a pretty good fever and was too sick to go to dance. She missed school Thursday and Friday. Every time her illness came up, Jerry made some snide remark about it, how she didn't seem that sick, how she watched tv, how she whined, how she was graceful when well but one of the worst sick people he has ever seen, how she seemed to be making the most of it, how she didn't seem to be that sick since she had an appetite. He pretty much ignores her and refuses to interact with her all the time and it was even worse when she was sick. He just said something in the morning, a word or two at night and "bye ladies" when I took them to school in the morning. That's the absolute total of his interaction with her. It really bothers me.

Chloe has expressed fear and hesitation over the idea of a W and a stepdad. I don't think it's a stepdad she feels bad about, she is afraid of a step-dad's permanence who ignores her at best. The way he treats my children really bothers me but when I put it out of my mind, I could imagine us being happy.

We can have a great weekend together and the second, I mean the very second, my kids, wonderful little girls, ages 5 and 9, make an appearance, everything goes downhill fast. All he says are negative things to them, never anything good. It bothers me so very much. I have talked to him about it a lot but most of the time I say nothing.

His persistent sarcasm and negativity toward Chloe's illness really bothered me. Nevertheless I coped well with the first 10 or so comments. Finally I had one too many and I gently told him that all that negativity, sarcasm, and contempt concern me. She is a little girl, a 9 year old little girl. Everything she does bothers him and he makes a snide comment about it. This is my child, the child I love with all my heart and the only mention he makes of her is negative shit. I told him without emotion, in a delicate way and in a way that supported dicsussion, that this bothered me a lot.

He refused to discuss it with me except that he said he didn't do what I said and that he was sorry I felt that way and that he wouldn't do it again. I was trying to talk it out, to get him to understand because he said he didn't do it and he wouldn't do it again. It's an attitude that needs changed not a particular specific thing that you don't do again. I was trying to gently talk to him about it and he refused to speak to me anymore.

I gave up and left the room, returning to my work. I had been cleaning all day, cleaning out the kids outgrown clothes, and lots of other chores. I was very tired. Jerry didn't even notice my work, volunteer to help, he didn't want anything to do with me. My dad came and picked up Camille and he talked to dad a little but not me really. After dad left he retreated to the bedroom. He refused to come in the same room that either Chloe or I were in. This bothered me so much. He refused to talk to me. He refused to be around me at all.

It occurred to me that when he talks about harmony he just means that anything he does wrong is not to be mentioned, he can do anything he wants and there will be harmony as long as he gets to continue it. He can say and do anything toward me, he can ignore the kids, that is harmony. But if I try to talk to him about a problem, it's like our relationship ends. I don't know who he is now. I don't know who he is when that happens.

It's as if when I try to talk out a problem, he immediately takes his love and his familiarity with me and locks it away until he feels its absence has punished me sufficiently. That's exactly what he did tonight. I tried to go where he was. I told him I was making pizza. I went to him and told him it was ready. I knew he wasn't going to eat it, when he withdraws his love from me, he can't stand the thought of eating any food I made. He had been in the bedroom reading (which he NEVER does) for some time while I was cleaning. I thought if I showed him I wasn't withdrawing and that I still wanted love and nearness, the would stop doing that. I laid down on the bed beside him. He pretty much ignored me. After a while I got up and left. I have been crying on and off since this began. He doesn't care.

I told him that he had withdrawn because I tried to talk to him and it was bothering me and I didn't know what to do. He said he had apologized and said he would try to do better but that's not really what he said and anyway, he has completely withdrawn from me, worse than he has in a long time. I hurt really bad.

I was stupid to think that we could get M. I was stupid to think he wanted to M me. He withdraws from me when I try to talk to him about a problem and doesn't respect me enough to talk about it. He doesn't respect me enough to give my daughters a chance, to try to like if not love them. I give 100% effort to his kids, it seems he gives about 7%.

After all of his, all of his not talking to me (about 2-3 hours), he came in the living room and asked to talk to me. I could tell by the distant and formal way he asked that it wasn't going to be good. He said he wanted to leave for the weekend and go to gsp. It was about 8 p.m. on Friday and he was telling me that because I tried to talk to him about a problem, not only did he not want to talk to me or be in the same room, he wanted to go far away and have nothing to do with me, without warning.

I can't trust him. Why do I keep forgetting that. I can't trust that his love will be consistent. We would be foolish to marry or even to make any long term plans.

He doesn't want anything to do with me and I feel very sad, low and rejected, lonely, ugly, ashamed.