These days

Today, I've had one of the worst headaches in a long time. I couldn't turn my head without serious pain, my neck was stiff, light hurt my eyes. I felt really terrible and the pain was intractable. I barely got through the day and when I got home, I lay down for several hours. Jerry didn't notice or care, didn't ask about it. He never checked on me or talked to me.

He has decided that he doesn't want to love me again. I feel really really deeply sad. We had been through a good period (more or less) of a few days and I felt happy until Wednesday. On Wednesday he was kissing me and seemed to love me and then he saw a little blister strip of rimonobant in the garbage.

I knew he wouldn't care about my reasons, wouldn't understand, doesn't care one bit about how I feel about gaining weight. When he asked me about it, I didn't tell him the truth. How could I? I did research about it and found it is being praised as a miracle drug of weight loss, virtually no side effects, can be taken long term and simply targets some receptor that makes you have food cravings and cigarette cravings. Deena wanted to try it for the smoking thing and I needed some help with my eating and drinking being out of control. We decided to try it so bought 84, split them in 2, each with 42. She tried a few, I tried a few. They don't do anything. Absolutely nothing. They simply are inactive. Either they are fake or the medication doesn't work. Anyway, I merely tried a few and when they did nothing I stopped trying them. I still have at least 35 of them so I didn't take enough to do any harm.

Jerry decided that he made me promise I wouldn't take any harmful diet pills. These weren't. Additionally, since I am an adult and have my own reasons, etc., in my opinion it was more harmful to turn to alcohol and food when I felt down because our relationship is so bad much of the time that I have been gaining weight.

Jerry did some reading on the internet and read that the drug can cause depression and because I took a few, well, then when I am sad when he treats me bad, then all the sadness he has caused me has been because I tried a few weight loss helpers.

It's ridiculous. I feel very happy when he is good to me. I feel very very very bad when he is bad to me. It seems that the bad is beginning to far outweigh the good. Nothing that is important to me matters to him. He would rather have killed me than get a divorce, move in with me, marry me, go on vacation with me, make a little garden area with me, help me out in the house and with the kids, etc. He justs wants to be a bachelor, free to do whatever he wants. He wants to have me occasionally to have sex with me and maybe a little cuddling in the night. He has very little other interest in me aside from that.

After a few days of things going well, I start to feel better. I find myself being afraid to feel better because it seems that the worse thing that can happen to me is when I am feeling happy and then he gets mad at me and the world comes crashing down. If I am not prepared for it and it happens, its very very bad.

How can it be the fault of a few little pills when I am happy and then he starts treating me badly and I am sad. How can it be the fault of a few little pills when a whole year before he told me that he would betray his kids if he married me? That incident hurt me so bad, the pain was so intense and it harmed severely the way I feel about myself. I had never even heard about rimonobant before that, nor tried a few of them.

I tried a few of them in the first week of May or so and since then haven't taken one. Nevertheless, when he treated me bad because he found a wrapper and decided he didn't want me anymore, and I become very sad and physically ill because of it, its the fault of the few pills I tried.

It's obvious that he doesn't care about me. All he cares is that there was a technical violation of HIS RULE. Not that I tried only a few and they did no good. Not the reasons that led me to need to try them. I needed something to get me off this terrible path BECAUSE I FEEL DEPRESSED AND SAD when he treats me bad and I turn to eating and drinking, causing me to gain weight.

I want very much to have time to myself and time to exercise. He told me in very very nasty words that hurt me very badly that he will have no part in helping me take care of the kids, no part in driving them and chauperoning them to their activities, no part in PICKING UP AFTER THEM, no part in any more of the financial issues, NOTHING. All he will ever do is pay the $400 rent per month and mow the grass once a week. He did get the car fixed which was a big huge help and very appreciated but every month I do things like that and he pays no attention.

As time goes by I get more and more sad about this relationship and how is all on me, all the obligations, but none of the joy. I have 2/3 of the financial burden but he just stubbornly denies it. I have 90% of the household tasks and he doesn't give a shit about that, just says it should be that way because he refuses to PICK UP AFTER MY KIDS. I have 100% of raising my children, he has NOTHING to do with them. He says about 15 words to them a day and thinks that is a huge sacrifice.

And he blames 3 pills I took weeks ago on the way I feel about life??? I am depressed because this life is sucking for me. I am getting fat because I am sad because my husband doesn't act like my husband. He acts like my boss who makes his little 1/10 contribution and goes along his solo merry way.

I am so sad. I don't think I shall survive this. It has nothing to do with 3 rimonobants which I hoped would save me from my eating spiral and it has nothing to do with my hormones. It's because Jerry just really doesn't love me like he should. He makes me feel so unloved and unworthy.

thats it. I don't know what will happen to me.