It's the same old story. I slipped up last night and showed my person hood and he doesn't like that. I expressed an opinion different than his. I said a log cabin building show was boring and that the production was amateurish. He gave me a very disgusted look and stopped talking to me. I began melting then and this is 24 hours later.
After an hour or so last night, he went to pee and I grabbed the blanket and positioned myself, leaning my knees, so that I could tuck the blanket around me. He sat back down but refused to talk to me or look at me. He was watching his ax man show. I made a few comments about it but he refused to respond.
As time went on I felt worse and worse. I felt despairing. I have since then. He thinks so little of me as a person that he thinks if I speak out of turn or express my opinion, I don't deserve any respect, any interaction with him. After a time I asked him if he was mad at me. He said no but then he told me how upset he was at me for expressing my opinion about the log cabin production. I said that I had a right to say how I felt, he didn't respond. I felt the sand draining away from me again. I leaned my head over against the couch. After a short bit, Jerry raised his voice and said "things were just going too smoothly for you, huh?" That was so insulting It was he who made things unsmooth. I have a right to speak. Dammit why should I even have to remind him of that It was he who got made at me for speaking about the log cabin show.
If he doesn't learn how to treat me, like a person, like someone he loves, I will become the robot he wants or I will end this relationship. I think he will keep treating that way until I learn not to talk about anything ever for fear that he won't like it. Who will I be then? Sandy?
We went to bed without speaking. He reached out with his foot and my foot did the same but this morning he acted like it did not. He made me coffee and brought it to me this morning and I thanked him and told him to be careful and that I love him.
I asked him on Sunday or Monday to go geocaching with me today. I called him again around 4 to remind him. He didn't call back until 6:30. He said he had been working late. I asked him what he was going to do. We had plans to go geocaching. I am tired of always having to go alone. When I asked him what he was going to do he said "that depends what you want me to do". I said that I made it obvious what I wanted him to do when I asked him a couple of days ago and called him today. He ignored that and raised his voice fairly nastily and said "I am tired, okay, I had a very long day. I dont want to go anywhere". I said, "well then why did you ask me what I wanted you to do". He repeated the same thing again, that he was tired, had a very long day and didn't want to be with me.
I said I'll see you later then, love you, goodbye and I hung up. I spent the entire time trapsing around in those strange woods alone. I was the only person alone in the entire park that I saw. It's wierd geocaching alone. There is nobody to turn to and talk about a likely place for the cache, you have to pretend you have a reason to just be standing around somewhere.
Anyway, the way he was last night and then on the phone, took the remaining wind out of my sails. I felt as if my feet were made of lead. I felt sad and lonely. All of this ridiculous shit because I said a log cabin show was boring and amatuerish.
He says he doesn't understand. I feel so lonely and terrible. I feel like I need another bath. My eyes will be swollen tomorrow again. I feel like I have cancer or some other awful disease. When he is like this, my joints ache, my head aches, my stomach is upset, my heart is crazy.
I love him very much but I have huge doubts about us. If he can't even recognize me as a person, then what?
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