Today

I have a giant lump in my throat, my heart was beating very hard, I felt like I couldn't drag a full breath into my chest, and I couldn't stop crying. Jerry left me this morning, went to GSP. He was distant and cold and knew I had been crying but just didn't care. All this because I talked to him about his lack of symptathy for my little girl's sickness.

After I talked to him, he stopped talking to me. He became cold, wouldn't talk, wouldn't look at me. It contradicted everything he said he was going to do, like working out problems without feelings and talking about things, trying to resolve problems without fighting.

The way he dealt with it hurt me so. I had wanted to spend the evening holding each other. I really felt like I needed him. I was telling him earlier Friday that I was desirious of him and I sensed an odd response like he was pulling away. It bothered me and made me feel very unattractive but I figured it would all be okay when we were alone later.

But he went to bed that night and shut the door. He hadn't talked to me or looked at me all evening. He had chosen to stay in any room which Chloe and I weren't in. I tried to approach him several times but he had closed me out. It really hurt.

Finally I gave up and sat with Chloe. He asked to see me just so he could say "what do you think about me going to GSP"? What do I think? What do I think? "You won't talk to me, look at me, be in the same room with me, have anything to do with me because I tried to resolve a problem with you and now you want to drive 3 hours to be away with me, on the weekend, and at a time I needed you?" I was so hurt by him I couldn't talk to him. I started crying and I couldn't stop.

He left me this morning. He woke me up before 6 to tell me he was leaving. He expected ME to say something. He didn't say anything. Just left. I felt so terrible, so unwanted. I feel stupid for getting so emotionally close to him again. As soon as I felt close enough to talk with him about something, he stopped wanting me, loving me, and then chose to spend his weekend without me.

I told him I should have known better than to trust him. I meant it. When will I learn? As soon as I let my defenses down, this happens. My heart can't take it. My love can't take it. I feel so bad, so lonely, so sad.

He can't possibly want me the same way I want him. I guess we are all wrong for each other. He wants a Sandy who isn't size 99 and likes caving. He doesn't want me. He doesn't want to marry me, he can't possibly. We need to face that its never gonna work out.

I need something to kill this pain.