Things were going pretty well for a while, until today. We even talked about setting a W date. Damn, I can't even type the word.
Chloe started getting sick on Monday and when Bill picked her up Wednesday, she had a pretty good fever and was too sick to go to dance. She missed school Thursday and Friday. Every time her illness came up, Jerry made some snide remark about it, how she didn't seem that sick, how she watched tv, how she whined, how she was graceful when well but one of the worst sick people he has ever seen, how she seemed to be making the most of it, how she didn't seem to be that sick since she had an appetite. He pretty much ignores her and refuses to interact with her all the time and it was even worse when she was sick. He just said something in the morning, a word or two at night and "bye ladies" when I took them to school in the morning. That's the absolute total of his interaction with her. It really bothers me.
Chloe has expressed fear and hesitation over the idea of a W and a stepdad. I don't think it's a stepdad she feels bad about, she is afraid of a step-dad's permanence who ignores her at best. The way he treats my children really bothers me but when I put it out of my mind, I could imagine us being happy.
We can have a great weekend together and the second, I mean the very second, my kids, wonderful little girls, ages 5 and 9, make an appearance, everything goes downhill fast. All he says are negative things to them, never anything good. It bothers me so very much. I have talked to him about it a lot but most of the time I say nothing.
His persistent sarcasm and negativity toward Chloe's illness really bothered me. Nevertheless I coped well with the first 10 or so comments. Finally I had one too many and I gently told him that all that negativity, sarcasm, and contempt concern me. She is a little girl, a 9 year old little girl. Everything she does bothers him and he makes a snide comment about it. This is my child, the child I love with all my heart and the only mention he makes of her is negative shit. I told him without emotion, in a delicate way and in a way that supported dicsussion, that this bothered me a lot.
He refused to discuss it with me except that he said he didn't do what I said and that he was sorry I felt that way and that he wouldn't do it again. I was trying to talk it out, to get him to understand because he said he didn't do it and he wouldn't do it again. It's an attitude that needs changed not a particular specific thing that you don't do again. I was trying to gently talk to him about it and he refused to speak to me anymore.
I gave up and left the room, returning to my work. I had been cleaning all day, cleaning out the kids outgrown clothes, and lots of other chores. I was very tired. Jerry didn't even notice my work, volunteer to help, he didn't want anything to do with me. My dad came and picked up Camille and he talked to dad a little but not me really. After dad left he retreated to the bedroom. He refused to come in the same room that either Chloe or I were in. This bothered me so much. He refused to talk to me. He refused to be around me at all.
It occurred to me that when he talks about harmony he just means that anything he does wrong is not to be mentioned, he can do anything he wants and there will be harmony as long as he gets to continue it. He can say and do anything toward me, he can ignore the kids, that is harmony. But if I try to talk to him about a problem, it's like our relationship ends. I don't know who he is now. I don't know who he is when that happens.
It's as if when I try to talk out a problem, he immediately takes his love and his familiarity with me and locks it away until he feels its absence has punished me sufficiently. That's exactly what he did tonight. I tried to go where he was. I told him I was making pizza. I went to him and told him it was ready. I knew he wasn't going to eat it, when he withdraws his love from me, he can't stand the thought of eating any food I made. He had been in the bedroom reading (which he NEVER does) for some time while I was cleaning. I thought if I showed him I wasn't withdrawing and that I still wanted love and nearness, the would stop doing that. I laid down on the bed beside him. He pretty much ignored me. After a while I got up and left. I have been crying on and off since this began. He doesn't care.
I told him that he had withdrawn because I tried to talk to him and it was bothering me and I didn't know what to do. He said he had apologized and said he would try to do better but that's not really what he said and anyway, he has completely withdrawn from me, worse than he has in a long time. I hurt really bad.
I was stupid to think that we could get M. I was stupid to think he wanted to M me. He withdraws from me when I try to talk to him about a problem and doesn't respect me enough to talk about it. He doesn't respect me enough to give my daughters a chance, to try to like if not love them. I give 100% effort to his kids, it seems he gives about 7%.
After all of his, all of his not talking to me (about 2-3 hours), he came in the living room and asked to talk to me. I could tell by the distant and formal way he asked that it wasn't going to be good. He said he wanted to leave for the weekend and go to gsp. It was about 8 p.m. on Friday and he was telling me that because I tried to talk to him about a problem, not only did he not want to talk to me or be in the same room, he wanted to go far away and have nothing to do with me, without warning.
I can't trust him. Why do I keep forgetting that. I can't trust that his love will be consistent. We would be foolish to marry or even to make any long term plans.
He doesn't want anything to do with me and I feel very sad, low and rejected, lonely, ugly, ashamed.
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