I am fighting against the stream

I haven't slept all night. My stomach was like a swirling, boiling caldron, gurgling and bubbling. I had significant pain and discomfort in my back, near both kidneys. Now it is 9:49 a.m. and I feel sleepy, ill and sad.

Last night I asked Jerry if he wanted a brownie. He nodded, reached for the bag and then Camille said, "don't eat them all". He chose not to eat any. I said, "don't be like that". It didn't matter. He was going to and will be like that no matter how much I ask, how much I beg, how much I show him, how much I argue.

He said nothing more to Camille that night, looked upon her no further. He said nothing more to me. After awhile I went into the computer room, where he spends at least half his time, and asked him if he was going to rejoin us at all. About 30 minutes later he came in the room silently and did not look at us, sat on the couch and went to sleep. Camille fell asleep and I put her to bed.

Some time later, he said that he didn't know what he did wrong. I said that he cut Camille and I off because of the brownie thing. That he was going to eat one until she said don't eat them all and then after that he stopped interacting with us. He never does that kind of thing with his kids. Sometimes he snaps at them but he never withdraws for very long from them and soon returns to touching and loving on them. He hardly ever talks to or looks at Chloe and certainly never interacts with her or touches her. He only interacts with Camille because she is only 5 and doesn't know how he dislikes my children yet.

After I calmly told him how he had overreacted and treated Camille and I badly over the brownies, he got angry and shouted profanity at me. I can't deal with this kind of thing anymore, how he becomes aggressive, follows me around, gets in my face when I am trying to stop the escalation. I stopped talking about it and he just sat there for awhile. I was looking at the tv because he was upsetting me so, but I have no idea what was on. My mind and heart were a tornado of spinning emotions. He turned off the television so I wouldn't look at it. I asked him to turn it back on, I was about to tell him that it would be a bad idea to have only our voices arguing without the diffusing noise of the tv. He said that I showed him that "he doesn't matter to me" because I wouldn't stop watching tv. It wasn't even anything I cared about, I just didn't want Camille to hear us. I was so upset my brain wouldn't let me even "see" the tv.

All I need is for the children to feel more tension and feeling that Jerry hates them. The talk with Camille and Chloe at McDonalds last Sunday night still has me very torn up. They are suffering with the way Jerry treats them, at best like walls. Apparently they are telling Bill's little therapist about it and he will end up taking them away from me or they will not want to be with me anymore. Why would they? Chloe feels upset all the time in my home with a man who doesn't want her around. He had a mean daughter who says nasty things to my little girl just because she looks at her. He thinks his children are perfect and if mine sneeze he goes on and on about how terrible it was, NEVER EVER anything positive from him. No bonding attempts, no interactions.

After a while he calmed down and told me that he didn't want to leave in the morning with this hanging over us, that he was sorry for the profanity. I told him how I felt about his treatment of my children, how they feel, about our talk at McDonalds, how upset I am, all of it. I talked for a very long time, most of the time holding his arms. I finally sat down because I had to step away to blow my nose where I had been crying.

All he said at the end was "well, I see it completely differently". It felt a terrible blow to me and our relationship. I have begged and pleaded for him to make effort, to undertake some kind of method or effort to get harmony in the household, to actually care what happens to my kids. After everything I said, all he said was that he sees it differently. It was clear that nothing will ever get better, he will never make ANY effort. We are at a crisis here and he only cares about himself. It felt completely and utterly hopeless and I believe both emotionally and rationally, that it is. I know that Jerry can't and won't do anything to improve the situation. He just doesn't have any empathy or care for my children even though I love them more than my life. It doesn't matter to him. I must protect them from a horrible life with a man who hates them, even if I had to live my life without Jerry.

It seems to me that both he and I, at this point, would be happier without each other.

I was awake all night and I feel terrible, I am ill, I am upset, sad, tired. I am like this far too much. I don't have much health anymore and it is because of Jerry's attitude. I need to end this. I know I do. I love Jerry so very much but he isn't capable of living with me and finding a caring attitude for my little girls. He and I need to let each other go.