On Monday, I worked a full day, took care of Camille, went to the grocery, and then had to come home and prepare food for Tammy Jo's. I was already tired when I got home, particularly because I had worked much of the weekend with the henna booth. Jerry had elected not to have anything to do with me Friday, it was too much trouble for him to drive 20 miles to see me any.
I was on my feet until 1 a.m. while Jerry got home at 5:30 yet played on the computer, watched TV, talked on the phone, and did his usual habitat things. He didn't help me for one second. He couldn't be interrupted rom his play to help me ANY. NOT ANY. I was so freaking tired. I had to help Camille with her homework and read to her and get her in bed. While I was spinning my wheels, going 1,000 mph doing all of this, he was trying to get my attention too, wanting more from me, rather than giving one tiny DAMN ABOUT ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
You are such a stupid idiot Lisa.
Days went by when he didn't look at me or have anything to do with me.
He made no apologies for ignoring me and not helping me Monday.
Nothing.
He just played and slept as usual. Didn't ask me ONE DAMN THING. He used me to talk about his day and stuff but gave me nothing.
Days went by without anything.
I got tired of it and I said I want a partner. I asked him why he doesn't want to be my partner. HE SAID HE DOESNT' FIT. He doesn't fit me enough to be my partner. He has no guilt toward me. He is fine with letting me pay most of the bills, letting me take care of my kids alone 100%, never interacting with them, only occasionally interacting with me. He is fine with spending 6 hours in the evening playing while he leaves all the responsibilities to me.
WHEN I ASK HIM TO DO MORE, TO DO SOMETHING, HE SAYS HE DOESN'T FIT.
I GUESS HE ONLY WANTS HIS REAL WIFE SANDY.
I HATE HER BECAUSE HE THINKS HE FIT HER.
Friday, September 26, 2008
Tuesday, August 05, 2008
Things pretty good right now.
My children are in Canada with their father at a cottage. Jerry and I had Em and Jarrett this weekend and we will be alone the rest of the week. It will be the first time in a long time without children.
We have been getting along pretty well for the last few weeks, generally since our vacation began. Jerry had several bad days after we got home from our vacation. He got used to having his kids around and missed them, didn't want to go back to our and thought he had lime disease. All of this combined to depress him.
After a few days though he came around. I feel pretty close to him and love him lots.
We have been getting along pretty well for the last few weeks, generally since our vacation began. Jerry had several bad days after we got home from our vacation. He got used to having his kids around and missed them, didn't want to go back to our and thought he had lime disease. All of this combined to depress him.
After a few days though he came around. I feel pretty close to him and love him lots.
Thursday, July 24, 2008
Now
I gave him a week of vacation, a week and a half with his kids (the most time he has spent with them in a row since Sandy kicked him out) and we got along fairly well. We get back home and he becomes very sad, down, and tells me he is extremely unhappy. Everything seems terrible to him. Rather than being glad that and happy that he spent an intensive 1 1/2 weeks with his kids (something I guarantee he never did before) and being grateful to me for making it happen, he is merely rolling around in the sadness that he doesn't live in the house with Sandy anymore.
He will not be happy until he is away from me and living in Cincinnati. He will either move back in the home he owns with HER and get with her again or live somewhere else. Either way, even if he sees his kids less than he does now, he will be happier.
He will be happier just because he will think he is close to the kids even if he doesn't see them. It will cost him way more than $425 to live there, to live without me, but he won't care. He will think it is better all around.
I love him and have enjoyed getting along with him the last week or two but despite that he is less happyt.
I feel so hopeless and sick.
He will not be happy until he is away from me and living in Cincinnati. He will either move back in the home he owns with HER and get with her again or live somewhere else. Either way, even if he sees his kids less than he does now, he will be happier.
He will be happier just because he will think he is close to the kids even if he doesn't see them. It will cost him way more than $425 to live there, to live without me, but he won't care. He will think it is better all around.
I love him and have enjoyed getting along with him the last week or two but despite that he is less happyt.
I feel so hopeless and sick.
Friday, July 11, 2008
and so it went until she went
Everything is just the same, maybe worse, yes...worse. I cry every day. We went to Heather's and I tried to pretend that all these things don't matter to me. It seemed like we were having fun together. We got in the car to leave and I could immediately tell he was frozen up against me, gone from me. I was no longer in his realm of caring.
He barely spoke to me, I don't think he looked at me and he certainly NEVER talked NOR looked at Camille. Things remained that way the whole 9 hrs back. I said something to him and he told me he was being that way because I talked about how it might rain. He had packed the given furniture from Heather's in the trailer and Camille, Heather and Rick were acting all uptight about the weather. Camille is always wanting to know if it will rain and they were all discussing it. I said something like "I am sure it will be fine, if he rains or something we will just have to do something else". He said that the rain wouldn't hurt the chairs and then Rick said he wasn't worried, but I think it was Rick who started out talking about it.
Apparently me saything that if it rained, we would do something else, like cover them up differently or something in order to show that Jerry was on top of it to Rick and that we weren't thumbing out nose at the given things, apparently that made Jerry very mad at me and he pushed me out of his life again. I didn't realize it at first. I told him I knew how to get back the way we had come but he made his own turns out of the neighborhood without asking me and then went the wrong way. He was mad at me, turned off from me and Camille, who is just a sweet precious 5 year old. When we got home, after an hour or two he told me why he was being that way toward me, because I had talked about it raining.
It was like he tripped me. I can't believe he loves me so little that he alienates me because I talked about rain. He stayed alienated from me for days. I felt so sad, so lonely, so alone, alienated, unloved, betrayed, ugly, it made me realize all the things that were wrong with us again. I got sadder and sadder.
We had to pick up Jarrett and Emily on Wednesday and he barely spoke to me for hours, after days of me trying to get him subtly to stop being that way toward me. He finally asked me why I was crying and I told him that there was so much wrong. First he had been mad over the rain talk and then I told him about all the other things. I started out talking about how much I have to pay and how little he will pay for living expenses. I tried to move on to how little he does around the house and how the extremely unequal
He barely spoke to me, I don't think he looked at me and he certainly NEVER talked NOR looked at Camille. Things remained that way the whole 9 hrs back. I said something to him and he told me he was being that way because I talked about how it might rain. He had packed the given furniture from Heather's in the trailer and Camille, Heather and Rick were acting all uptight about the weather. Camille is always wanting to know if it will rain and they were all discussing it. I said something like "I am sure it will be fine, if he rains or something we will just have to do something else". He said that the rain wouldn't hurt the chairs and then Rick said he wasn't worried, but I think it was Rick who started out talking about it.
Apparently me saything that if it rained, we would do something else, like cover them up differently or something in order to show that Jerry was on top of it to Rick and that we weren't thumbing out nose at the given things, apparently that made Jerry very mad at me and he pushed me out of his life again. I didn't realize it at first. I told him I knew how to get back the way we had come but he made his own turns out of the neighborhood without asking me and then went the wrong way. He was mad at me, turned off from me and Camille, who is just a sweet precious 5 year old. When we got home, after an hour or two he told me why he was being that way toward me, because I had talked about it raining.
It was like he tripped me. I can't believe he loves me so little that he alienates me because I talked about rain. He stayed alienated from me for days. I felt so sad, so lonely, so alone, alienated, unloved, betrayed, ugly, it made me realize all the things that were wrong with us again. I got sadder and sadder.
We had to pick up Jarrett and Emily on Wednesday and he barely spoke to me for hours, after days of me trying to get him subtly to stop being that way toward me. He finally asked me why I was crying and I told him that there was so much wrong. First he had been mad over the rain talk and then I told him about all the other things. I started out talking about how much I have to pay and how little he will pay for living expenses. I tried to move on to how little he does around the house and how the extremely unequal
Wednesday, July 02, 2008
it doesn't matter
it doesn't matter how much I try to talk to him. he is so desirous of holding on to his sit on his ass ways every evening, no paint, not chores, no nothing, just sit and watch this pretend wife wear herself out while the REAL FAT WIFE, WHOM HE REALLY LOVES, gets everything.
Let the stupid pretend wife do vacumming, cleaning, laundry, scrubbing, cooking, grocery shopping, everything else so he can sit on his ass all evening and chat to his buddies.
Let the stupid pretend wife do vacumming, cleaning, laundry, scrubbing, cooking, grocery shopping, everything else so he can sit on his ass all evening and chat to his buddies.
we have nowhere to go
He sits night after night. On the computer, phone, tv. I cook or clean, take the kids to their activities, do the laundry, scrub the floors, do the dishes. My existence is minimal at best. I am nothing to him. He considers it more important to see me wearing down, dying in chores, than to stand up and do his share.
I pay for food. about 350.00 a month
cable 120.00
phone 120.00
gas 120
electric 120
trash 15
et.c
et.c
et.c
He says he only has to pay for himself, he is only him, hes not part of a blended family. He's just him. A bachelor living in a pretend bachelor world. There isn't any evidence of a marriage even save a 24 hour honeymooon and a couple of rings. Nothing changed.
He would rather see me wear out as an unhappy tired, exhausted, sad outcast kinda girl than change one thing.
I know he doesn't want me anymore.
I am so sad.
I should just end it all!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I pay for food. about 350.00 a month
cable 120.00
phone 120.00
gas 120
electric 120
trash 15
et.c
et.c
et.c
He says he only has to pay for himself, he is only him, hes not part of a blended family. He's just him. A bachelor living in a pretend bachelor world. There isn't any evidence of a marriage even save a 24 hour honeymooon and a couple of rings. Nothing changed.
He would rather see me wear out as an unhappy tired, exhausted, sad outcast kinda girl than change one thing.
I know he doesn't want me anymore.
I am so sad.
I should just end it all!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Tuesday, June 03, 2008
What Am I Doing?
You! How Sad and Unhappy you make me feel! Yes, there are small periods of good things (but mostly because I try to forget how unhappy you make me) but the larger portion of our relationship seems to bring me sadness. I don't know who I am anymore. I cry all the time, I feel like doing very little.
It seems like our past relationship is made up mostly of pain and the future holds virtually nothing for me. What do you want out of life anyway? You don't believe in God, you don't believe in Christmas, you don't even consider it a time of peace to share with family and enjoy the lights. Nope you hate it because you have to buy 3 presents, nevermind people like me and your prior wife who have dozens of Christmas related obligations. You don't want vacations with me...don't know about your real wives....although I know you had vacations with them. All I see is that if you go on vacation with me, you are afraid you will have to spend a buck. I guess the drawbacks are all in spending a buck, there are no benefits for you. Nothing good can come from spending a week or so in leisure activities with the people you claim to love. I know you love your kids...don't know much else about you. You like music, you like telephones, you like TV, you like computers, you certainly spend countless hours in those endeavors. I guess that is all the really makes you happy. Just the staccato ridiculous repetition, played over and over of getting up with dingy white walls, putting on your boots, going to work at the same occupation every day for the rest of your life, .....It's like Groundhog Day. Even if you relived the same Groundhog day for the rest of your life...as long as it included tv, phone, computer, some contact with your kids, maybe some kind of sexual thing...you would be happy.
Do you say fuck to all those people who think competition, ambition, art, love, compatability, family (except for your two children), progress, peace, and relaxation are important concepts?
What are we doing together? You have spit in my face at every important step we should have taken together. What the fuck am I doing? My head is spinning. I hardly ever sleep. I am fat, squishy, dry, ugly, unloved. Damn, Jerry Brandenburg, if you loved me, you wouldn't make me feel that way.
When it came time for you to get a divorce, you repeatedly told me to fuck off. Even though we had made promises to each other, they matter naught to you. You were holding on to that fat thing, to your life with her and the 20 year old white walls, your Christmases with her, your vacations with her, everything with her. You told me you weren't working on getting a divorce even though a year and a half had rolled by. You saw a vivacious, fit, happy, in love, attractive, stable person melt into.......ME! You saw me fall on the ground repeatedly in tears, my heart breaking, so sad I couldn't stand it. You had no reaction to it.
You kept telling me that you wouldn't push her to get a divorce no matter how long it took, no matter what happened to me, because you wanted to remain close friends with her so that you could see your kids whenever you wanted and so that you could get your child support lowered.
Ha. In the fucking end, you only get to see them when it is convenient to her and SHE decides not to over schedule them. In the fucking end, you paid more child support than you owed. In the fucking end you didn't even listen to me, you let her have SOLE custody when 95% of every other marriage with kids ends in joint custody. You refused to listen to me when I tried to get you to understand how much financial impact it would have on us, you letting Sandy have all your equity in the house. You tell me you are a tried old tree man, your body falling apat, and you have very little earning capacity. Yet, you doomed me and our relationship but letting go of the only asset you could bring to your marriage. Since you didn't want Sandy to have to make any calls, drive her car, mail anything, it was just too much trouble for her, you didn't want to say boo to her, you let her have the only financial resource you had, the house. You let her have it and now a HUGE burden instead falls on me, I have to pay for things you should be helping out with because you don't have any financial resources.
Why didn't I see? Why didn't I see how little HOW VERY LITTLE I TRULY MATTERED TO YOU? You would still be in the cracker box of a dingy white walled house with her, laying on your old dingy couch, if she hadn't kicked you out, wouldn't you?
When it came time to discuss the elements of your divorce after there was very little left of me, you told me to FUCK off again. Under no circumstances, you said, would you make your wife drive to a bank or make a phone call so that you could have an actual asset to take into a theoretical life with me. Nope. Fuck off Lisa you said. I will not make my wife have to figure out a different mortgage arrangement so that I can actually have something economic other than $425 a month to contribute. You will have to figure out a way for us to have a home Lisa. I will hide my head in the sand and deny that you pay 2/3 of our joint expenses. So what if Chloe and Camille have to live in the projects or in my jeep? It matters naught to me as long as I don't cause my wife any trouble because then I would have to pay more child support or not see my kids whenever I wanted.
It matters naught to him that we will never own a home together, that we will be forced to rent some dump, living in poverty because that is all she can afford. Hey, Lisa, I will get MY money from the house in 8 or 10 years because then the house will be paid off and then I will force my wife Sandy, with whom I've owned a home (while you and I have lived in a dump all these years) to then refinance, even though my kids will still live there. I wouldn't make her refinance when it mattered, why the fuck should I when the house is paid off. I assure you, Lisa, I will STILL profess that I don't want to cause the big fat chick any trouble. In 8-10 years, interests rates will suck even when they were at an all time low when you divorced. Because they will be higher in 8-10 years, you will just continue to let the WIFE have the house, all the equity. It's okay if you have little to contribute to a life with Lisa because she will work her ass off to take up the slack. It doesn't matter that Chloe and Camille, whom we will have uprooted and dragged away from EVERYTHING THEY EVER KNEW will have to live in a shithole because you didn't want Sandy to have to do any paperwork to refinance.
Lisa has a law degree and earning potential to contribute to the relationship. She is also always trying to find side things to fill in the gaps. You had the equity in your home but didnt' want to cause my darling wifey any trouble.
Well, after Lisa made herself not think about all the pain you had caused her and you finally did get a divorce after all that time and left your only real economic contribution to the new relationship with Sandy, after he was finally divorced.....did he do everything he could to make it up to Lisa, the person HE SAID he loved? Did he make up for all the pain he caused her, all the tears, how he had changed her from a vibrant, fit, happy person, to someone who felt repeatedly rejected? Hell, NO!!!! No.
What did he do?
He said.....I can't marry you. In his abject denial, he says he didn't say I can't marry you. He says I can't marry you right now. I am not asking you to marry me now, Jerry, I said. I am asking for us to talk about when. I can't talk about when, you fucking said. I can't talk about when until I can make my children an absolute promise that I will be in Cincinnati in a year or two. The only way you can make an absolute promise, is if I already lived in Cincinnati. You said that is what it would take....I would have to uproot my children from absolutely EVERYTHING and take them to Cincinnati alone and then you would consider talking about when we might marry because then you could make them the absoulte promise.
You told me many times that if you married me, you would betray your kids. You deny that now, which I can't believe, but you told me it many times.
It wasn't enough that you saw how sad you had made me all that time I wanted to be with you and you refused to get a divorce. How you looked at me with cold cold eyes when I cried so hard I couldn't see. No, you had to tell me you would betray your kids if you married me, even though you assured me that even after I dragged Bill and my kids through a possibly terrible court battle and lost, you would leave me anyway.
Why the fuck didn't I see what you were doing to me, you little you considered me, how little I mattered? Why didn't I put an end up my suffering and walk away from you? I hate admitting this, it is a terrible thing to face, but sometimes I wish I had walked away. At least I wouldn't feel this huge painful gap in my heart.
And it doesn't matter to you how hard I work around the house, how much more time I spend in domestic chores to you. You would lie or sit on the couch, talk on the phone, etc. and watch me fall over dead before you would consider me equal enough for you to think about making my life better by trying to more equally divide the chores, obligations and responsibilities in life.
Have you always been this way? Did you do that shit to Sandy or is it just me?
I think you must have done some of it to her because as soon as she kicked you out, she started to make herself feel better, something she must have wanted for a long time, by getting new furniture, sprucing up things, and yes Jerry.....PAINTING.
You refused to go on a vacation with me a couple of years ago when I very much wanted to spend some quality time with you. You made me suffer terribly just for the fun of it. You acted like I was a terrible person just because I wanted to spend a week with you. I remember that well but I am sure you would deny it.
You refused to bring your kids and share a hotel room with the girls and I so that they could see Chloe's dance competition. You didn't care that I was paying. You didn't care that it was important to Chloe and me. You didn't care... You made me suffer then too. Nope, you refused because Sandy's dad, your father in law was sick and somehow the kids having a nice weekend in a hotel was just too much in your mind for Sandy to think about. You didn't care what you rigid terribly mean refusal did to me.
These were all ominous signs of how little a life you wanted with me. Why didn't I heed them and walk away?
You refused to help me find a place for us to live when we were supposed to be planning a future together although you sure criticized it often enough.
You refused to help me move after I did find a place even though you weren't even living with Sandy at the time. She had kicked you out, you were living in your jeep, but you WOULDN'T help me move because you didn't want anybody to know about us. You had been out of the home you and Sandy still own together for 6 weeks at that time. (Lest you should ever read this and deny the 6 weeks thing...Sandy kicked you out Dec. 3, I moved in here on Jan. 16.)
You would barely even acknowledge you even knew me at all until YOU ASKED your wife if it was ok. I had to wait to be acknowledged until you ASKED YOUR WIFE if it was ok?
What an ominous sign, why didn't I walk away?
Your rigid, unbending, repetitive, denial of a life with me is killing me.
You refused to have anything to do with putting up or taking down Christmas decorations or cleaning up the aftermath even though you and your children reaped the benefits of it. "Please tell me you have a Christmas tree, daddy", they said. You assured them we did. You got lots and lots of Christmas presents from me and my family. Neverthess, no matter how much work I had to do because of your refusal to do YOUR SHARE, you still refused. You thought "Nope, I shall not have anything to do with the labor of Christmas even though I and my children benefitted. I want no part of the obligations in life, only the things I want to do. I shall only do the things I want to do in life even if it kills YOU. Even though you were very tired and disliked putting the Christmas stuff away too, I refused to put away anything or clean up anything because I don't like it.
It doesn't matter that you didn't like, Lisa. I do nothing I don't want, regardless of you. "
That really is the theme of our relationship, isn't it? I've been given that feedback from you so many times I could puke. And you blame my sadness and depression from basically November, 2005 until January 2, 2008 on my periods, hormones and 3 rimonobant taken in May, 2008.
You have said or thought these things and it sucks that you do:
"I will not go on vacation with you, regardless of you.
I will not do my share of the cleaning regardless of you.
I will not fold clothes, put them away, run the vacume regardless of you
I will not clean widows, tables, tvs, walls, dust regardless of you
I will not change sheets, dust, clean the computer area .......................
I will not pay my share of the cell bill ..........................
I will not pay my share of the bills ............................
I will not do things with you that make you happy ..........................
I will not spend more time with you in the evenings ....................
I will not have an outdoor sitting area .......................
I will not under any circumstances help care for your kids, you are alone in that....................
I will never take your kids anywhere ..........................
I will never cultivate a relationship with your kids .......................
I will never try to treat your kids like you do mine ............................
I will never buy your kids things ..........................
I will never drop your drycleaning off .........................
I will never help you be happy ..........................
I will not take on more household and kid responsiblity ............................
Even if that means you have 1/10 the time to yourself I have ..........................
I will only clean the bathroom about once every 14 months ........................
I will only do an hour of lawnmowing, my laundry,
and very rare dishes ............................
I will not be flexible where we live in the future .......................
I assure you that when we move to Cincinnati, it will have to be in Goshen cause the school system is fine for my kids, it doesn't matter how you feel about it .....................
I assure you that even after we move to Cinci, I will still only mow once a week and the rare dishes even though I have cut you off from all family help ........................
I will complain about dance regularly ..........................
I will NEVER PAINT (doesn't matter that one's surroundings and a nice looking home, the color of your walls, and a pleasant habitat are important. ................................
I will NEVER PAINT even though it is absolutely vital to you that you have a happy, pleasant and cheerful place to live...you can paint, just tell me when so I may leave you alone as long as it takes you to do the unpleasant labor... because I am so FUCKING selfish that even though I will
reap the benefits of a pleasant and cheerful home, I will NEVER PAINT, even though a happy place to live is vitally important to you since I HAVE TAKEN away every other facet of life from you...and if you die with absolute exhaustion when you are forced to paint alone for weeks
DON'T FUCKING CALL ME, REMEMBER, JUST CALL THE MORGUE ..................................
Jerry, we shouldn't be together. This isn't the life or lack of it that I want. I am very unhappy and things will NEVER be better. I am just discovering more and more disturbing things on a regular basis.
When you have taken away everything which once mattered to me and we live in a hovel with dingy white walls and, when I am depressed since I have only had pain in the past and nothing to look forward to in the future, when I am extremely fat and introverted and so fat I have to sleep in a CHAIR and wear stirrup pants, maybe then you WILL FEEL fulfilled.
Me, I want to die.
It seems like our past relationship is made up mostly of pain and the future holds virtually nothing for me. What do you want out of life anyway? You don't believe in God, you don't believe in Christmas, you don't even consider it a time of peace to share with family and enjoy the lights. Nope you hate it because you have to buy 3 presents, nevermind people like me and your prior wife who have dozens of Christmas related obligations. You don't want vacations with me...don't know about your real wives....although I know you had vacations with them. All I see is that if you go on vacation with me, you are afraid you will have to spend a buck. I guess the drawbacks are all in spending a buck, there are no benefits for you. Nothing good can come from spending a week or so in leisure activities with the people you claim to love. I know you love your kids...don't know much else about you. You like music, you like telephones, you like TV, you like computers, you certainly spend countless hours in those endeavors. I guess that is all the really makes you happy. Just the staccato ridiculous repetition, played over and over of getting up with dingy white walls, putting on your boots, going to work at the same occupation every day for the rest of your life, .....It's like Groundhog Day. Even if you relived the same Groundhog day for the rest of your life...as long as it included tv, phone, computer, some contact with your kids, maybe some kind of sexual thing...you would be happy.
Do you say fuck to all those people who think competition, ambition, art, love, compatability, family (except for your two children), progress, peace, and relaxation are important concepts?
What are we doing together? You have spit in my face at every important step we should have taken together. What the fuck am I doing? My head is spinning. I hardly ever sleep. I am fat, squishy, dry, ugly, unloved. Damn, Jerry Brandenburg, if you loved me, you wouldn't make me feel that way.
When it came time for you to get a divorce, you repeatedly told me to fuck off. Even though we had made promises to each other, they matter naught to you. You were holding on to that fat thing, to your life with her and the 20 year old white walls, your Christmases with her, your vacations with her, everything with her. You told me you weren't working on getting a divorce even though a year and a half had rolled by. You saw a vivacious, fit, happy, in love, attractive, stable person melt into.......ME! You saw me fall on the ground repeatedly in tears, my heart breaking, so sad I couldn't stand it. You had no reaction to it.
You kept telling me that you wouldn't push her to get a divorce no matter how long it took, no matter what happened to me, because you wanted to remain close friends with her so that you could see your kids whenever you wanted and so that you could get your child support lowered.
Ha. In the fucking end, you only get to see them when it is convenient to her and SHE decides not to over schedule them. In the fucking end, you paid more child support than you owed. In the fucking end you didn't even listen to me, you let her have SOLE custody when 95% of every other marriage with kids ends in joint custody. You refused to listen to me when I tried to get you to understand how much financial impact it would have on us, you letting Sandy have all your equity in the house. You tell me you are a tried old tree man, your body falling apat, and you have very little earning capacity. Yet, you doomed me and our relationship but letting go of the only asset you could bring to your marriage. Since you didn't want Sandy to have to make any calls, drive her car, mail anything, it was just too much trouble for her, you didn't want to say boo to her, you let her have the only financial resource you had, the house. You let her have it and now a HUGE burden instead falls on me, I have to pay for things you should be helping out with because you don't have any financial resources.
Why didn't I see? Why didn't I see how little HOW VERY LITTLE I TRULY MATTERED TO YOU? You would still be in the cracker box of a dingy white walled house with her, laying on your old dingy couch, if she hadn't kicked you out, wouldn't you?
When it came time to discuss the elements of your divorce after there was very little left of me, you told me to FUCK off again. Under no circumstances, you said, would you make your wife drive to a bank or make a phone call so that you could have an actual asset to take into a theoretical life with me. Nope. Fuck off Lisa you said. I will not make my wife have to figure out a different mortgage arrangement so that I can actually have something economic other than $425 a month to contribute. You will have to figure out a way for us to have a home Lisa. I will hide my head in the sand and deny that you pay 2/3 of our joint expenses. So what if Chloe and Camille have to live in the projects or in my jeep? It matters naught to me as long as I don't cause my wife any trouble because then I would have to pay more child support or not see my kids whenever I wanted.
It matters naught to him that we will never own a home together, that we will be forced to rent some dump, living in poverty because that is all she can afford. Hey, Lisa, I will get MY money from the house in 8 or 10 years because then the house will be paid off and then I will force my wife Sandy, with whom I've owned a home (while you and I have lived in a dump all these years) to then refinance, even though my kids will still live there. I wouldn't make her refinance when it mattered, why the fuck should I when the house is paid off. I assure you, Lisa, I will STILL profess that I don't want to cause the big fat chick any trouble. In 8-10 years, interests rates will suck even when they were at an all time low when you divorced. Because they will be higher in 8-10 years, you will just continue to let the WIFE have the house, all the equity. It's okay if you have little to contribute to a life with Lisa because she will work her ass off to take up the slack. It doesn't matter that Chloe and Camille, whom we will have uprooted and dragged away from EVERYTHING THEY EVER KNEW will have to live in a shithole because you didn't want Sandy to have to do any paperwork to refinance.
Lisa has a law degree and earning potential to contribute to the relationship. She is also always trying to find side things to fill in the gaps. You had the equity in your home but didnt' want to cause my darling wifey any trouble.
Well, after Lisa made herself not think about all the pain you had caused her and you finally did get a divorce after all that time and left your only real economic contribution to the new relationship with Sandy, after he was finally divorced.....did he do everything he could to make it up to Lisa, the person HE SAID he loved? Did he make up for all the pain he caused her, all the tears, how he had changed her from a vibrant, fit, happy person, to someone who felt repeatedly rejected? Hell, NO!!!! No.
What did he do?
He said.....I can't marry you. In his abject denial, he says he didn't say I can't marry you. He says I can't marry you right now. I am not asking you to marry me now, Jerry, I said. I am asking for us to talk about when. I can't talk about when, you fucking said. I can't talk about when until I can make my children an absolute promise that I will be in Cincinnati in a year or two. The only way you can make an absolute promise, is if I already lived in Cincinnati. You said that is what it would take....I would have to uproot my children from absolutely EVERYTHING and take them to Cincinnati alone and then you would consider talking about when we might marry because then you could make them the absoulte promise.
You told me many times that if you married me, you would betray your kids. You deny that now, which I can't believe, but you told me it many times.
It wasn't enough that you saw how sad you had made me all that time I wanted to be with you and you refused to get a divorce. How you looked at me with cold cold eyes when I cried so hard I couldn't see. No, you had to tell me you would betray your kids if you married me, even though you assured me that even after I dragged Bill and my kids through a possibly terrible court battle and lost, you would leave me anyway.
Why the fuck didn't I see what you were doing to me, you little you considered me, how little I mattered? Why didn't I put an end up my suffering and walk away from you? I hate admitting this, it is a terrible thing to face, but sometimes I wish I had walked away. At least I wouldn't feel this huge painful gap in my heart.
And it doesn't matter to you how hard I work around the house, how much more time I spend in domestic chores to you. You would lie or sit on the couch, talk on the phone, etc. and watch me fall over dead before you would consider me equal enough for you to think about making my life better by trying to more equally divide the chores, obligations and responsibilities in life.
Have you always been this way? Did you do that shit to Sandy or is it just me?
I think you must have done some of it to her because as soon as she kicked you out, she started to make herself feel better, something she must have wanted for a long time, by getting new furniture, sprucing up things, and yes Jerry.....PAINTING.
You refused to go on a vacation with me a couple of years ago when I very much wanted to spend some quality time with you. You made me suffer terribly just for the fun of it. You acted like I was a terrible person just because I wanted to spend a week with you. I remember that well but I am sure you would deny it.
You refused to bring your kids and share a hotel room with the girls and I so that they could see Chloe's dance competition. You didn't care that I was paying. You didn't care that it was important to Chloe and me. You didn't care... You made me suffer then too. Nope, you refused because Sandy's dad, your father in law was sick and somehow the kids having a nice weekend in a hotel was just too much in your mind for Sandy to think about. You didn't care what you rigid terribly mean refusal did to me.
These were all ominous signs of how little a life you wanted with me. Why didn't I heed them and walk away?
You refused to help me find a place for us to live when we were supposed to be planning a future together although you sure criticized it often enough.
You refused to help me move after I did find a place even though you weren't even living with Sandy at the time. She had kicked you out, you were living in your jeep, but you WOULDN'T help me move because you didn't want anybody to know about us. You had been out of the home you and Sandy still own together for 6 weeks at that time. (Lest you should ever read this and deny the 6 weeks thing...Sandy kicked you out Dec. 3, I moved in here on Jan. 16.)
You would barely even acknowledge you even knew me at all until YOU ASKED your wife if it was ok. I had to wait to be acknowledged until you ASKED YOUR WIFE if it was ok?
What an ominous sign, why didn't I walk away?
Your rigid, unbending, repetitive, denial of a life with me is killing me.
You refused to have anything to do with putting up or taking down Christmas decorations or cleaning up the aftermath even though you and your children reaped the benefits of it. "Please tell me you have a Christmas tree, daddy", they said. You assured them we did. You got lots and lots of Christmas presents from me and my family. Neverthess, no matter how much work I had to do because of your refusal to do YOUR SHARE, you still refused. You thought "Nope, I shall not have anything to do with the labor of Christmas even though I and my children benefitted. I want no part of the obligations in life, only the things I want to do. I shall only do the things I want to do in life even if it kills YOU. Even though you were very tired and disliked putting the Christmas stuff away too, I refused to put away anything or clean up anything because I don't like it.
It doesn't matter that you didn't like, Lisa. I do nothing I don't want, regardless of you. "
That really is the theme of our relationship, isn't it? I've been given that feedback from you so many times I could puke. And you blame my sadness and depression from basically November, 2005 until January 2, 2008 on my periods, hormones and 3 rimonobant taken in May, 2008.
You have said or thought these things and it sucks that you do:
"I will not go on vacation with you, regardless of you.
I will not do my share of the cleaning regardless of you.
I will not fold clothes, put them away, run the vacume regardless of you
I will not clean widows, tables, tvs, walls, dust regardless of you
I will not change sheets, dust, clean the computer area .......................
I will not pay my share of the cell bill ..........................
I will not pay my share of the bills ............................
I will not do things with you that make you happy ..........................
I will not spend more time with you in the evenings ....................
I will not have an outdoor sitting area .......................
I will not under any circumstances help care for your kids, you are alone in that....................
I will never take your kids anywhere ..........................
I will never cultivate a relationship with your kids .......................
I will never try to treat your kids like you do mine ............................
I will never buy your kids things ..........................
I will never drop your drycleaning off .........................
I will never help you be happy ..........................
I will not take on more household and kid responsiblity ............................
Even if that means you have 1/10 the time to yourself I have ..........................
I will only clean the bathroom about once every 14 months ........................
I will only do an hour of lawnmowing, my laundry,
and very rare dishes ............................
I will not be flexible where we live in the future .......................
I assure you that when we move to Cincinnati, it will have to be in Goshen cause the school system is fine for my kids, it doesn't matter how you feel about it .....................
I assure you that even after we move to Cinci, I will still only mow once a week and the rare dishes even though I have cut you off from all family help ........................
I will complain about dance regularly ..........................
I will NEVER PAINT (doesn't matter that one's surroundings and a nice looking home, the color of your walls, and a pleasant habitat are important. ................................
I will NEVER PAINT even though it is absolutely vital to you that you have a happy, pleasant and cheerful place to live...you can paint, just tell me when so I may leave you alone as long as it takes you to do the unpleasant labor... because I am so FUCKING selfish that even though I will
reap the benefits of a pleasant and cheerful home, I will NEVER PAINT, even though a happy place to live is vitally important to you since I HAVE TAKEN away every other facet of life from you...and if you die with absolute exhaustion when you are forced to paint alone for weeks
DON'T FUCKING CALL ME, REMEMBER, JUST CALL THE MORGUE ..................................
Jerry, we shouldn't be together. This isn't the life or lack of it that I want. I am very unhappy and things will NEVER be better. I am just discovering more and more disturbing things on a regular basis.
When you have taken away everything which once mattered to me and we live in a hovel with dingy white walls and, when I am depressed since I have only had pain in the past and nothing to look forward to in the future, when I am extremely fat and introverted and so fat I have to sleep in a CHAIR and wear stirrup pants, maybe then you WILL FEEL fulfilled.
Me, I want to die.
Friday, May 30, 2008
These days
Today, I've had one of the worst headaches in a long time. I couldn't turn my head without serious pain, my neck was stiff, light hurt my eyes. I felt really terrible and the pain was intractable. I barely got through the day and when I got home, I lay down for several hours. Jerry didn't notice or care, didn't ask about it. He never checked on me or talked to me.
He has decided that he doesn't want to love me again. I feel really really deeply sad. We had been through a good period (more or less) of a few days and I felt happy until Wednesday. On Wednesday he was kissing me and seemed to love me and then he saw a little blister strip of rimonobant in the garbage.
I knew he wouldn't care about my reasons, wouldn't understand, doesn't care one bit about how I feel about gaining weight. When he asked me about it, I didn't tell him the truth. How could I? I did research about it and found it is being praised as a miracle drug of weight loss, virtually no side effects, can be taken long term and simply targets some receptor that makes you have food cravings and cigarette cravings. Deena wanted to try it for the smoking thing and I needed some help with my eating and drinking being out of control. We decided to try it so bought 84, split them in 2, each with 42. She tried a few, I tried a few. They don't do anything. Absolutely nothing. They simply are inactive. Either they are fake or the medication doesn't work. Anyway, I merely tried a few and when they did nothing I stopped trying them. I still have at least 35 of them so I didn't take enough to do any harm.
Jerry decided that he made me promise I wouldn't take any harmful diet pills. These weren't. Additionally, since I am an adult and have my own reasons, etc., in my opinion it was more harmful to turn to alcohol and food when I felt down because our relationship is so bad much of the time that I have been gaining weight.
Jerry did some reading on the internet and read that the drug can cause depression and because I took a few, well, then when I am sad when he treats me bad, then all the sadness he has caused me has been because I tried a few weight loss helpers.
It's ridiculous. I feel very happy when he is good to me. I feel very very very bad when he is bad to me. It seems that the bad is beginning to far outweigh the good. Nothing that is important to me matters to him. He would rather have killed me than get a divorce, move in with me, marry me, go on vacation with me, make a little garden area with me, help me out in the house and with the kids, etc. He justs wants to be a bachelor, free to do whatever he wants. He wants to have me occasionally to have sex with me and maybe a little cuddling in the night. He has very little other interest in me aside from that.
After a few days of things going well, I start to feel better. I find myself being afraid to feel better because it seems that the worse thing that can happen to me is when I am feeling happy and then he gets mad at me and the world comes crashing down. If I am not prepared for it and it happens, its very very bad.
How can it be the fault of a few little pills when I am happy and then he starts treating me badly and I am sad. How can it be the fault of a few little pills when a whole year before he told me that he would betray his kids if he married me? That incident hurt me so bad, the pain was so intense and it harmed severely the way I feel about myself. I had never even heard about rimonobant before that, nor tried a few of them.
I tried a few of them in the first week of May or so and since then haven't taken one. Nevertheless, when he treated me bad because he found a wrapper and decided he didn't want me anymore, and I become very sad and physically ill because of it, its the fault of the few pills I tried.
It's obvious that he doesn't care about me. All he cares is that there was a technical violation of HIS RULE. Not that I tried only a few and they did no good. Not the reasons that led me to need to try them. I needed something to get me off this terrible path BECAUSE I FEEL DEPRESSED AND SAD when he treats me bad and I turn to eating and drinking, causing me to gain weight.
I want very much to have time to myself and time to exercise. He told me in very very nasty words that hurt me very badly that he will have no part in helping me take care of the kids, no part in driving them and chauperoning them to their activities, no part in PICKING UP AFTER THEM, no part in any more of the financial issues, NOTHING. All he will ever do is pay the $400 rent per month and mow the grass once a week. He did get the car fixed which was a big huge help and very appreciated but every month I do things like that and he pays no attention.
As time goes by I get more and more sad about this relationship and how is all on me, all the obligations, but none of the joy. I have 2/3 of the financial burden but he just stubbornly denies it. I have 90% of the household tasks and he doesn't give a shit about that, just says it should be that way because he refuses to PICK UP AFTER MY KIDS. I have 100% of raising my children, he has NOTHING to do with them. He says about 15 words to them a day and thinks that is a huge sacrifice.
And he blames 3 pills I took weeks ago on the way I feel about life??? I am depressed because this life is sucking for me. I am getting fat because I am sad because my husband doesn't act like my husband. He acts like my boss who makes his little 1/10 contribution and goes along his solo merry way.
I am so sad. I don't think I shall survive this. It has nothing to do with 3 rimonobants which I hoped would save me from my eating spiral and it has nothing to do with my hormones. It's because Jerry just really doesn't love me like he should. He makes me feel so unloved and unworthy.
thats it. I don't know what will happen to me.
He has decided that he doesn't want to love me again. I feel really really deeply sad. We had been through a good period (more or less) of a few days and I felt happy until Wednesday. On Wednesday he was kissing me and seemed to love me and then he saw a little blister strip of rimonobant in the garbage.
I knew he wouldn't care about my reasons, wouldn't understand, doesn't care one bit about how I feel about gaining weight. When he asked me about it, I didn't tell him the truth. How could I? I did research about it and found it is being praised as a miracle drug of weight loss, virtually no side effects, can be taken long term and simply targets some receptor that makes you have food cravings and cigarette cravings. Deena wanted to try it for the smoking thing and I needed some help with my eating and drinking being out of control. We decided to try it so bought 84, split them in 2, each with 42. She tried a few, I tried a few. They don't do anything. Absolutely nothing. They simply are inactive. Either they are fake or the medication doesn't work. Anyway, I merely tried a few and when they did nothing I stopped trying them. I still have at least 35 of them so I didn't take enough to do any harm.
Jerry decided that he made me promise I wouldn't take any harmful diet pills. These weren't. Additionally, since I am an adult and have my own reasons, etc., in my opinion it was more harmful to turn to alcohol and food when I felt down because our relationship is so bad much of the time that I have been gaining weight.
Jerry did some reading on the internet and read that the drug can cause depression and because I took a few, well, then when I am sad when he treats me bad, then all the sadness he has caused me has been because I tried a few weight loss helpers.
It's ridiculous. I feel very happy when he is good to me. I feel very very very bad when he is bad to me. It seems that the bad is beginning to far outweigh the good. Nothing that is important to me matters to him. He would rather have killed me than get a divorce, move in with me, marry me, go on vacation with me, make a little garden area with me, help me out in the house and with the kids, etc. He justs wants to be a bachelor, free to do whatever he wants. He wants to have me occasionally to have sex with me and maybe a little cuddling in the night. He has very little other interest in me aside from that.
After a few days of things going well, I start to feel better. I find myself being afraid to feel better because it seems that the worse thing that can happen to me is when I am feeling happy and then he gets mad at me and the world comes crashing down. If I am not prepared for it and it happens, its very very bad.
How can it be the fault of a few little pills when I am happy and then he starts treating me badly and I am sad. How can it be the fault of a few little pills when a whole year before he told me that he would betray his kids if he married me? That incident hurt me so bad, the pain was so intense and it harmed severely the way I feel about myself. I had never even heard about rimonobant before that, nor tried a few of them.
I tried a few of them in the first week of May or so and since then haven't taken one. Nevertheless, when he treated me bad because he found a wrapper and decided he didn't want me anymore, and I become very sad and physically ill because of it, its the fault of the few pills I tried.
It's obvious that he doesn't care about me. All he cares is that there was a technical violation of HIS RULE. Not that I tried only a few and they did no good. Not the reasons that led me to need to try them. I needed something to get me off this terrible path BECAUSE I FEEL DEPRESSED AND SAD when he treats me bad and I turn to eating and drinking, causing me to gain weight.
I want very much to have time to myself and time to exercise. He told me in very very nasty words that hurt me very badly that he will have no part in helping me take care of the kids, no part in driving them and chauperoning them to their activities, no part in PICKING UP AFTER THEM, no part in any more of the financial issues, NOTHING. All he will ever do is pay the $400 rent per month and mow the grass once a week. He did get the car fixed which was a big huge help and very appreciated but every month I do things like that and he pays no attention.
As time goes by I get more and more sad about this relationship and how is all on me, all the obligations, but none of the joy. I have 2/3 of the financial burden but he just stubbornly denies it. I have 90% of the household tasks and he doesn't give a shit about that, just says it should be that way because he refuses to PICK UP AFTER MY KIDS. I have 100% of raising my children, he has NOTHING to do with them. He says about 15 words to them a day and thinks that is a huge sacrifice.
And he blames 3 pills I took weeks ago on the way I feel about life??? I am depressed because this life is sucking for me. I am getting fat because I am sad because my husband doesn't act like my husband. He acts like my boss who makes his little 1/10 contribution and goes along his solo merry way.
I am so sad. I don't think I shall survive this. It has nothing to do with 3 rimonobants which I hoped would save me from my eating spiral and it has nothing to do with my hormones. It's because Jerry just really doesn't love me like he should. He makes me feel so unloved and unworthy.
thats it. I don't know what will happen to me.
Wednesday, March 12, 2008
Last night
Jerry is gone. He took his keys and left. I asked him to leave me alone, my heart is beating crazily and irregularly and I feel like I can't breathe. I am crying so hard I can barely see the screen. Jerry said he was sorry he doesn't understand and kept saying please. Then he sobbed a little and left.
It's the same old story. I slipped up last night and showed my person hood and he doesn't like that. I expressed an opinion different than his. I said a log cabin building show was boring and that the production was amateurish. He gave me a very disgusted look and stopped talking to me. I began melting then and this is 24 hours later.
After an hour or so last night, he went to pee and I grabbed the blanket and positioned myself, leaning my knees, so that I could tuck the blanket around me. He sat back down but refused to talk to me or look at me. He was watching his ax man show. I made a few comments about it but he refused to respond.
As time went on I felt worse and worse. I felt despairing. I have since then. He thinks so little of me as a person that he thinks if I speak out of turn or express my opinion, I don't deserve any respect, any interaction with him. After a time I asked him if he was mad at me. He said no but then he told me how upset he was at me for expressing my opinion about the log cabin production. I said that I had a right to say how I felt, he didn't respond. I felt the sand draining away from me again. I leaned my head over against the couch. After a short bit, Jerry raised his voice and said "things were just going too smoothly for you, huh?" That was so insulting It was he who made things unsmooth. I have a right to speak. Dammit why should I even have to remind him of that It was he who got made at me for speaking about the log cabin show.
It's the same old story. I slipped up last night and showed my person hood and he doesn't like that. I expressed an opinion different than his. I said a log cabin building show was boring and that the production was amateurish. He gave me a very disgusted look and stopped talking to me. I began melting then and this is 24 hours later.
After an hour or so last night, he went to pee and I grabbed the blanket and positioned myself, leaning my knees, so that I could tuck the blanket around me. He sat back down but refused to talk to me or look at me. He was watching his ax man show. I made a few comments about it but he refused to respond.
As time went on I felt worse and worse. I felt despairing. I have since then. He thinks so little of me as a person that he thinks if I speak out of turn or express my opinion, I don't deserve any respect, any interaction with him. After a time I asked him if he was mad at me. He said no but then he told me how upset he was at me for expressing my opinion about the log cabin production. I said that I had a right to say how I felt, he didn't respond. I felt the sand draining away from me again. I leaned my head over against the couch. After a short bit, Jerry raised his voice and said "things were just going too smoothly for you, huh?" That was so insulting It was he who made things unsmooth. I have a right to speak. Dammit why should I even have to remind him of that It was he who got made at me for speaking about the log cabin show.
If he doesn't learn how to treat me, like a person, like someone he loves, I will become the robot he wants or I will end this relationship. I think he will keep treating that way until I learn not to talk about anything ever for fear that he won't like it. Who will I be then? Sandy?
We went to bed without speaking. He reached out with his foot and my foot did the same but this morning he acted like it did not. He made me coffee and brought it to me this morning and I thanked him and told him to be careful and that I love him.
I asked him on Sunday or Monday to go geocaching with me today. I called him again around 4 to remind him. He didn't call back until 6:30. He said he had been working late. I asked him what he was going to do. We had plans to go geocaching. I am tired of always having to go alone. When I asked him what he was going to do he said "that depends what you want me to do". I said that I made it obvious what I wanted him to do when I asked him a couple of days ago and called him today. He ignored that and raised his voice fairly nastily and said "I am tired, okay, I had a very long day. I dont want to go anywhere". I said, "well then why did you ask me what I wanted you to do". He repeated the same thing again, that he was tired, had a very long day and didn't want to be with me.
I said I'll see you later then, love you, goodbye and I hung up. I spent the entire time trapsing around in those strange woods alone. I was the only person alone in the entire park that I saw. It's wierd geocaching alone. There is nobody to turn to and talk about a likely place for the cache, you have to pretend you have a reason to just be standing around somewhere.
Anyway, the way he was last night and then on the phone, took the remaining wind out of my sails. I felt as if my feet were made of lead. I felt sad and lonely. All of this ridiculous shit because I said a log cabin show was boring and amatuerish.
He says he doesn't understand. I feel so lonely and terrible. I feel like I need another bath. My eyes will be swollen tomorrow again. I feel like I have cancer or some other awful disease. When he is like this, my joints ache, my head aches, my stomach is upset, my heart is crazy.
I love him very much but I have huge doubts about us. If he can't even recognize me as a person, then what?
Sunday, February 24, 2008
I am fighting against the stream
I haven't slept all night. My stomach was like a swirling, boiling caldron, gurgling and bubbling. I had significant pain and discomfort in my back, near both kidneys. Now it is 9:49 a.m. and I feel sleepy, ill and sad.
Last night I asked Jerry if he wanted a brownie. He nodded, reached for the bag and then Camille said, "don't eat them all". He chose not to eat any. I said, "don't be like that". It didn't matter. He was going to and will be like that no matter how much I ask, how much I beg, how much I show him, how much I argue.
He said nothing more to Camille that night, looked upon her no further. He said nothing more to me. After awhile I went into the computer room, where he spends at least half his time, and asked him if he was going to rejoin us at all. About 30 minutes later he came in the room silently and did not look at us, sat on the couch and went to sleep. Camille fell asleep and I put her to bed.
Some time later, he said that he didn't know what he did wrong. I said that he cut Camille and I off because of the brownie thing. That he was going to eat one until she said don't eat them all and then after that he stopped interacting with us. He never does that kind of thing with his kids. Sometimes he snaps at them but he never withdraws for very long from them and soon returns to touching and loving on them. He hardly ever talks to or looks at Chloe and certainly never interacts with her or touches her. He only interacts with Camille because she is only 5 and doesn't know how he dislikes my children yet.
After I calmly told him how he had overreacted and treated Camille and I badly over the brownies, he got angry and shouted profanity at me. I can't deal with this kind of thing anymore, how he becomes aggressive, follows me around, gets in my face when I am trying to stop the escalation. I stopped talking about it and he just sat there for awhile. I was looking at the tv because he was upsetting me so, but I have no idea what was on. My mind and heart were a tornado of spinning emotions. He turned off the television so I wouldn't look at it. I asked him to turn it back on, I was about to tell him that it would be a bad idea to have only our voices arguing without the diffusing noise of the tv. He said that I showed him that "he doesn't matter to me" because I wouldn't stop watching tv. It wasn't even anything I cared about, I just didn't want Camille to hear us. I was so upset my brain wouldn't let me even "see" the tv.
All I need is for the children to feel more tension and feeling that Jerry hates them. The talk with Camille and Chloe at McDonalds last Sunday night still has me very torn up. They are suffering with the way Jerry treats them, at best like walls. Apparently they are telling Bill's little therapist about it and he will end up taking them away from me or they will not want to be with me anymore. Why would they? Chloe feels upset all the time in my home with a man who doesn't want her around. He had a mean daughter who says nasty things to my little girl just because she looks at her. He thinks his children are perfect and if mine sneeze he goes on and on about how terrible it was, NEVER EVER anything positive from him. No bonding attempts, no interactions.
After a while he calmed down and told me that he didn't want to leave in the morning with this hanging over us, that he was sorry for the profanity. I told him how I felt about his treatment of my children, how they feel, about our talk at McDonalds, how upset I am, all of it. I talked for a very long time, most of the time holding his arms. I finally sat down because I had to step away to blow my nose where I had been crying.
All he said at the end was "well, I see it completely differently". It felt a terrible blow to me and our relationship. I have begged and pleaded for him to make effort, to undertake some kind of method or effort to get harmony in the household, to actually care what happens to my kids. After everything I said, all he said was that he sees it differently. It was clear that nothing will ever get better, he will never make ANY effort. We are at a crisis here and he only cares about himself. It felt completely and utterly hopeless and I believe both emotionally and rationally, that it is. I know that Jerry can't and won't do anything to improve the situation. He just doesn't have any empathy or care for my children even though I love them more than my life. It doesn't matter to him. I must protect them from a horrible life with a man who hates them, even if I had to live my life without Jerry.
It seems to me that both he and I, at this point, would be happier without each other.
I was awake all night and I feel terrible, I am ill, I am upset, sad, tired. I am like this far too much. I don't have much health anymore and it is because of Jerry's attitude. I need to end this. I know I do. I love Jerry so very much but he isn't capable of living with me and finding a caring attitude for my little girls. He and I need to let each other go.
Last night I asked Jerry if he wanted a brownie. He nodded, reached for the bag and then Camille said, "don't eat them all". He chose not to eat any. I said, "don't be like that". It didn't matter. He was going to and will be like that no matter how much I ask, how much I beg, how much I show him, how much I argue.
He said nothing more to Camille that night, looked upon her no further. He said nothing more to me. After awhile I went into the computer room, where he spends at least half his time, and asked him if he was going to rejoin us at all. About 30 minutes later he came in the room silently and did not look at us, sat on the couch and went to sleep. Camille fell asleep and I put her to bed.
Some time later, he said that he didn't know what he did wrong. I said that he cut Camille and I off because of the brownie thing. That he was going to eat one until she said don't eat them all and then after that he stopped interacting with us. He never does that kind of thing with his kids. Sometimes he snaps at them but he never withdraws for very long from them and soon returns to touching and loving on them. He hardly ever talks to or looks at Chloe and certainly never interacts with her or touches her. He only interacts with Camille because she is only 5 and doesn't know how he dislikes my children yet.
After I calmly told him how he had overreacted and treated Camille and I badly over the brownies, he got angry and shouted profanity at me. I can't deal with this kind of thing anymore, how he becomes aggressive, follows me around, gets in my face when I am trying to stop the escalation. I stopped talking about it and he just sat there for awhile. I was looking at the tv because he was upsetting me so, but I have no idea what was on. My mind and heart were a tornado of spinning emotions. He turned off the television so I wouldn't look at it. I asked him to turn it back on, I was about to tell him that it would be a bad idea to have only our voices arguing without the diffusing noise of the tv. He said that I showed him that "he doesn't matter to me" because I wouldn't stop watching tv. It wasn't even anything I cared about, I just didn't want Camille to hear us. I was so upset my brain wouldn't let me even "see" the tv.
All I need is for the children to feel more tension and feeling that Jerry hates them. The talk with Camille and Chloe at McDonalds last Sunday night still has me very torn up. They are suffering with the way Jerry treats them, at best like walls. Apparently they are telling Bill's little therapist about it and he will end up taking them away from me or they will not want to be with me anymore. Why would they? Chloe feels upset all the time in my home with a man who doesn't want her around. He had a mean daughter who says nasty things to my little girl just because she looks at her. He thinks his children are perfect and if mine sneeze he goes on and on about how terrible it was, NEVER EVER anything positive from him. No bonding attempts, no interactions.
After a while he calmed down and told me that he didn't want to leave in the morning with this hanging over us, that he was sorry for the profanity. I told him how I felt about his treatment of my children, how they feel, about our talk at McDonalds, how upset I am, all of it. I talked for a very long time, most of the time holding his arms. I finally sat down because I had to step away to blow my nose where I had been crying.
All he said at the end was "well, I see it completely differently". It felt a terrible blow to me and our relationship. I have begged and pleaded for him to make effort, to undertake some kind of method or effort to get harmony in the household, to actually care what happens to my kids. After everything I said, all he said was that he sees it differently. It was clear that nothing will ever get better, he will never make ANY effort. We are at a crisis here and he only cares about himself. It felt completely and utterly hopeless and I believe both emotionally and rationally, that it is. I know that Jerry can't and won't do anything to improve the situation. He just doesn't have any empathy or care for my children even though I love them more than my life. It doesn't matter to him. I must protect them from a horrible life with a man who hates them, even if I had to live my life without Jerry.
It seems to me that both he and I, at this point, would be happier without each other.
I was awake all night and I feel terrible, I am ill, I am upset, sad, tired. I am like this far too much. I don't have much health anymore and it is because of Jerry's attitude. I need to end this. I know I do. I love Jerry so very much but he isn't capable of living with me and finding a caring attitude for my little girls. He and I need to let each other go.
Saturday, February 02, 2008
Today
I have a giant lump in my throat, my heart was beating very hard, I felt like I couldn't drag a full breath into my chest, and I couldn't stop crying. Jerry left me this morning, went to GSP. He was distant and cold and knew I had been crying but just didn't care. All this because I talked to him about his lack of symptathy for my little girl's sickness.
After I talked to him, he stopped talking to me. He became cold, wouldn't talk, wouldn't look at me. It contradicted everything he said he was going to do, like working out problems without feelings and talking about things, trying to resolve problems without fighting.
The way he dealt with it hurt me so. I had wanted to spend the evening holding each other. I really felt like I needed him. I was telling him earlier Friday that I was desirious of him and I sensed an odd response like he was pulling away. It bothered me and made me feel very unattractive but I figured it would all be okay when we were alone later.
But he went to bed that night and shut the door. He hadn't talked to me or looked at me all evening. He had chosen to stay in any room which Chloe and I weren't in. I tried to approach him several times but he had closed me out. It really hurt.
Finally I gave up and sat with Chloe. He asked to see me just so he could say "what do you think about me going to GSP"? What do I think? What do I think? "You won't talk to me, look at me, be in the same room with me, have anything to do with me because I tried to resolve a problem with you and now you want to drive 3 hours to be away with me, on the weekend, and at a time I needed you?" I was so hurt by him I couldn't talk to him. I started crying and I couldn't stop.
He left me this morning. He woke me up before 6 to tell me he was leaving. He expected ME to say something. He didn't say anything. Just left. I felt so terrible, so unwanted. I feel stupid for getting so emotionally close to him again. As soon as I felt close enough to talk with him about something, he stopped wanting me, loving me, and then chose to spend his weekend without me.
I told him I should have known better than to trust him. I meant it. When will I learn? As soon as I let my defenses down, this happens. My heart can't take it. My love can't take it. I feel so bad, so lonely, so sad.
He can't possibly want me the same way I want him. I guess we are all wrong for each other. He wants a Sandy who isn't size 99 and likes caving. He doesn't want me. He doesn't want to marry me, he can't possibly. We need to face that its never gonna work out.
I need something to kill this pain.
After I talked to him, he stopped talking to me. He became cold, wouldn't talk, wouldn't look at me. It contradicted everything he said he was going to do, like working out problems without feelings and talking about things, trying to resolve problems without fighting.
The way he dealt with it hurt me so. I had wanted to spend the evening holding each other. I really felt like I needed him. I was telling him earlier Friday that I was desirious of him and I sensed an odd response like he was pulling away. It bothered me and made me feel very unattractive but I figured it would all be okay when we were alone later.
But he went to bed that night and shut the door. He hadn't talked to me or looked at me all evening. He had chosen to stay in any room which Chloe and I weren't in. I tried to approach him several times but he had closed me out. It really hurt.
Finally I gave up and sat with Chloe. He asked to see me just so he could say "what do you think about me going to GSP"? What do I think? What do I think? "You won't talk to me, look at me, be in the same room with me, have anything to do with me because I tried to resolve a problem with you and now you want to drive 3 hours to be away with me, on the weekend, and at a time I needed you?" I was so hurt by him I couldn't talk to him. I started crying and I couldn't stop.
He left me this morning. He woke me up before 6 to tell me he was leaving. He expected ME to say something. He didn't say anything. Just left. I felt so terrible, so unwanted. I feel stupid for getting so emotionally close to him again. As soon as I felt close enough to talk with him about something, he stopped wanting me, loving me, and then chose to spend his weekend without me.
I told him I should have known better than to trust him. I meant it. When will I learn? As soon as I let my defenses down, this happens. My heart can't take it. My love can't take it. I feel so bad, so lonely, so sad.
He can't possibly want me the same way I want him. I guess we are all wrong for each other. He wants a Sandy who isn't size 99 and likes caving. He doesn't want me. He doesn't want to marry me, he can't possibly. We need to face that its never gonna work out.
I need something to kill this pain.
Friday, February 01, 2008
I feel sad.
Things were going pretty well for a while, until today. We even talked about setting a W date. Damn, I can't even type the word.
Chloe started getting sick on Monday and when Bill picked her up Wednesday, she had a pretty good fever and was too sick to go to dance. She missed school Thursday and Friday. Every time her illness came up, Jerry made some snide remark about it, how she didn't seem that sick, how she watched tv, how she whined, how she was graceful when well but one of the worst sick people he has ever seen, how she seemed to be making the most of it, how she didn't seem to be that sick since she had an appetite. He pretty much ignores her and refuses to interact with her all the time and it was even worse when she was sick. He just said something in the morning, a word or two at night and "bye ladies" when I took them to school in the morning. That's the absolute total of his interaction with her. It really bothers me.
Chloe has expressed fear and hesitation over the idea of a W and a stepdad. I don't think it's a stepdad she feels bad about, she is afraid of a step-dad's permanence who ignores her at best. The way he treats my children really bothers me but when I put it out of my mind, I could imagine us being happy.
We can have a great weekend together and the second, I mean the very second, my kids, wonderful little girls, ages 5 and 9, make an appearance, everything goes downhill fast. All he says are negative things to them, never anything good. It bothers me so very much. I have talked to him about it a lot but most of the time I say nothing.
His persistent sarcasm and negativity toward Chloe's illness really bothered me. Nevertheless I coped well with the first 10 or so comments. Finally I had one too many and I gently told him that all that negativity, sarcasm, and contempt concern me. She is a little girl, a 9 year old little girl. Everything she does bothers him and he makes a snide comment about it. This is my child, the child I love with all my heart and the only mention he makes of her is negative shit. I told him without emotion, in a delicate way and in a way that supported dicsussion, that this bothered me a lot.
He refused to discuss it with me except that he said he didn't do what I said and that he was sorry I felt that way and that he wouldn't do it again. I was trying to talk it out, to get him to understand because he said he didn't do it and he wouldn't do it again. It's an attitude that needs changed not a particular specific thing that you don't do again. I was trying to gently talk to him about it and he refused to speak to me anymore.
I gave up and left the room, returning to my work. I had been cleaning all day, cleaning out the kids outgrown clothes, and lots of other chores. I was very tired. Jerry didn't even notice my work, volunteer to help, he didn't want anything to do with me. My dad came and picked up Camille and he talked to dad a little but not me really. After dad left he retreated to the bedroom. He refused to come in the same room that either Chloe or I were in. This bothered me so much. He refused to talk to me. He refused to be around me at all.
It occurred to me that when he talks about harmony he just means that anything he does wrong is not to be mentioned, he can do anything he wants and there will be harmony as long as he gets to continue it. He can say and do anything toward me, he can ignore the kids, that is harmony. But if I try to talk to him about a problem, it's like our relationship ends. I don't know who he is now. I don't know who he is when that happens.
It's as if when I try to talk out a problem, he immediately takes his love and his familiarity with me and locks it away until he feels its absence has punished me sufficiently. That's exactly what he did tonight. I tried to go where he was. I told him I was making pizza. I went to him and told him it was ready. I knew he wasn't going to eat it, when he withdraws his love from me, he can't stand the thought of eating any food I made. He had been in the bedroom reading (which he NEVER does) for some time while I was cleaning. I thought if I showed him I wasn't withdrawing and that I still wanted love and nearness, the would stop doing that. I laid down on the bed beside him. He pretty much ignored me. After a while I got up and left. I have been crying on and off since this began. He doesn't care.
I told him that he had withdrawn because I tried to talk to him and it was bothering me and I didn't know what to do. He said he had apologized and said he would try to do better but that's not really what he said and anyway, he has completely withdrawn from me, worse than he has in a long time. I hurt really bad.
I was stupid to think that we could get M. I was stupid to think he wanted to M me. He withdraws from me when I try to talk to him about a problem and doesn't respect me enough to talk about it. He doesn't respect me enough to give my daughters a chance, to try to like if not love them. I give 100% effort to his kids, it seems he gives about 7%.
After all of his, all of his not talking to me (about 2-3 hours), he came in the living room and asked to talk to me. I could tell by the distant and formal way he asked that it wasn't going to be good. He said he wanted to leave for the weekend and go to gsp. It was about 8 p.m. on Friday and he was telling me that because I tried to talk to him about a problem, not only did he not want to talk to me or be in the same room, he wanted to go far away and have nothing to do with me, without warning.
I can't trust him. Why do I keep forgetting that. I can't trust that his love will be consistent. We would be foolish to marry or even to make any long term plans.
He doesn't want anything to do with me and I feel very sad, low and rejected, lonely, ugly, ashamed.
Chloe started getting sick on Monday and when Bill picked her up Wednesday, she had a pretty good fever and was too sick to go to dance. She missed school Thursday and Friday. Every time her illness came up, Jerry made some snide remark about it, how she didn't seem that sick, how she watched tv, how she whined, how she was graceful when well but one of the worst sick people he has ever seen, how she seemed to be making the most of it, how she didn't seem to be that sick since she had an appetite. He pretty much ignores her and refuses to interact with her all the time and it was even worse when she was sick. He just said something in the morning, a word or two at night and "bye ladies" when I took them to school in the morning. That's the absolute total of his interaction with her. It really bothers me.
Chloe has expressed fear and hesitation over the idea of a W and a stepdad. I don't think it's a stepdad she feels bad about, she is afraid of a step-dad's permanence who ignores her at best. The way he treats my children really bothers me but when I put it out of my mind, I could imagine us being happy.
We can have a great weekend together and the second, I mean the very second, my kids, wonderful little girls, ages 5 and 9, make an appearance, everything goes downhill fast. All he says are negative things to them, never anything good. It bothers me so very much. I have talked to him about it a lot but most of the time I say nothing.
His persistent sarcasm and negativity toward Chloe's illness really bothered me. Nevertheless I coped well with the first 10 or so comments. Finally I had one too many and I gently told him that all that negativity, sarcasm, and contempt concern me. She is a little girl, a 9 year old little girl. Everything she does bothers him and he makes a snide comment about it. This is my child, the child I love with all my heart and the only mention he makes of her is negative shit. I told him without emotion, in a delicate way and in a way that supported dicsussion, that this bothered me a lot.
He refused to discuss it with me except that he said he didn't do what I said and that he was sorry I felt that way and that he wouldn't do it again. I was trying to talk it out, to get him to understand because he said he didn't do it and he wouldn't do it again. It's an attitude that needs changed not a particular specific thing that you don't do again. I was trying to gently talk to him about it and he refused to speak to me anymore.
I gave up and left the room, returning to my work. I had been cleaning all day, cleaning out the kids outgrown clothes, and lots of other chores. I was very tired. Jerry didn't even notice my work, volunteer to help, he didn't want anything to do with me. My dad came and picked up Camille and he talked to dad a little but not me really. After dad left he retreated to the bedroom. He refused to come in the same room that either Chloe or I were in. This bothered me so much. He refused to talk to me. He refused to be around me at all.
It occurred to me that when he talks about harmony he just means that anything he does wrong is not to be mentioned, he can do anything he wants and there will be harmony as long as he gets to continue it. He can say and do anything toward me, he can ignore the kids, that is harmony. But if I try to talk to him about a problem, it's like our relationship ends. I don't know who he is now. I don't know who he is when that happens.
It's as if when I try to talk out a problem, he immediately takes his love and his familiarity with me and locks it away until he feels its absence has punished me sufficiently. That's exactly what he did tonight. I tried to go where he was. I told him I was making pizza. I went to him and told him it was ready. I knew he wasn't going to eat it, when he withdraws his love from me, he can't stand the thought of eating any food I made. He had been in the bedroom reading (which he NEVER does) for some time while I was cleaning. I thought if I showed him I wasn't withdrawing and that I still wanted love and nearness, the would stop doing that. I laid down on the bed beside him. He pretty much ignored me. After a while I got up and left. I have been crying on and off since this began. He doesn't care.
I told him that he had withdrawn because I tried to talk to him and it was bothering me and I didn't know what to do. He said he had apologized and said he would try to do better but that's not really what he said and anyway, he has completely withdrawn from me, worse than he has in a long time. I hurt really bad.
I was stupid to think that we could get M. I was stupid to think he wanted to M me. He withdraws from me when I try to talk to him about a problem and doesn't respect me enough to talk about it. He doesn't respect me enough to give my daughters a chance, to try to like if not love them. I give 100% effort to his kids, it seems he gives about 7%.
After all of his, all of his not talking to me (about 2-3 hours), he came in the living room and asked to talk to me. I could tell by the distant and formal way he asked that it wasn't going to be good. He said he wanted to leave for the weekend and go to gsp. It was about 8 p.m. on Friday and he was telling me that because I tried to talk to him about a problem, not only did he not want to talk to me or be in the same room, he wanted to go far away and have nothing to do with me, without warning.
I can't trust him. Why do I keep forgetting that. I can't trust that his love will be consistent. We would be foolish to marry or even to make any long term plans.
He doesn't want anything to do with me and I feel very sad, low and rejected, lonely, ugly, ashamed.
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