Are there some people who just aren't destined to be loved?

On Friday, you refused to let me take the heater, even though I felt I needed to. You just refused, gave your all powerful veto like I was some child. We went to gsp without the heater. We had a pretty good weekend, I spent lots of time caressing you, massaging you. How much time did you spend providing that to me?

On Sunday we came back. I looked bad because I had been outdoors in cold temperatures, wearing a knit cap, messed hair and all. I said I looked bad you agreed. On Monday, you took Camille to school for me which I very much appreciated. We had a shower together that morning because your work was rained out. I went to work, worked all day, left at 4:00, drove in the rain and picked the children up from Little Angels. I was uptight about getting to Raceland High School on time, it was raining very hard and very dreary. I wasn't sure where the event was supposed to be. It was raining very hard so I drove up Powell Lane and to Raceland on Lexington Ave., bypassing all the restaurants.

I had felt really poorly all day, the rain made it all seem worse. I had a significant headache, non stop cramps from my period, it felt like my bone marrow was being sucked out. I had an absolutely severe muscle spasm in my neck shoulder and upper back, through and under my shoulder blade. I hated the idea of the evening ahead, I hurt all over.

We got to the school and it was raining very hard. I had to make several trips in the rain to get all the crap in. I had my purse, my tote bag with book, camera, zune, makeup, Chloe's backpack, Chloe's dance bag, Camille, Camille's crayons, coloring books, purse, backpack, and a phonics pack. It was a lot of stuff, way too much. We got there and the stuff quickly got spread out everywhere.

They gave us Chloe's ballet costume to try on. She was the only one without one. They had ordered her a similar one, although short, on ebay. It was too tight. They were implying that I do lots of sewing to it. I couldn't even imagine how I could fix it. I could barely breathe, I was in so much pain, as they were talking about it.

I was also wet and freezing cold. I was shivering and holding my body rigid, which didn't help the muscle spasms. I itched from head to toe from the poison ivy. I called you on the phone, telling you how I hurt all over, how tired I was, how the kids were hungry. You volunteered to come back and pick up Chloe but I told you I had to stay, what we needed was food, help carrying, etc. You didn't volunteer for that.

After awhile Camille and Chloe got very hungry. I gathered Camille up and drove in what now was driving rain to the KFC near AK Steel. It seemed a very long drive. It was very very dark and rained so hard I could barely see. I got wet again going out to the car and I shivered on the drive. Camille fell asleep while I was in the drive through. There were so many families there, a mother and her mate. The man was fetching food, helping out, sitting with her.

Its not to be for me, is it? I will be a single mom, raising two kids alone with you thinking of yourself as simply sharing some living space. You would never allow a blended family, to think of it would betray your kids.

They messed up my order at the drive through. I had to wait while they repaired it. We drove in the driving rain back to the school. Camille was still asleep and it was raining very hard. I sat in the dark alone and fumbled through my KFC wrap, feeling sick, sore, lame and lonely. I couldn't wait to get home to you, have you touch me. I hoped you would rub my back although I secretly know you really hate doing that. After awhile the rain seemed to slack a little so I gathered the food (very unwieldy in its packaging) and grabbed sleeping Camille from the back seat.

It began raining hard again as soon as we started walking across the parking lot. She woke up and started crying. I made her walk and it was a chore getting her and the food to the door. All the doors were locked and we stood there, banging away, hoping somebody would come. When they did we took the food in and sat in the floor. Camille hated the food I had gotten for her, I had to go find her some ketchup before she would eat it. My back and neck hurt so bad I lay in the floor, it felt like a machete was embedded in my body. A few tears slid down my face, although we both know you have no compassion for my tears, they only make you dislike me more.

Chloe ate and we finished up the evening finally. I was miserable. Very cold, very very sore. My neck and back hurt so badly that I couldn't move my arm, it was drawn to one side. I whimpered. I couldn't wait to get home. The kids argued in the car, both were exhausted.

I came in the door. You sat on the couch. I made about 5 trips to and from the car while you just sat there. I put things away, freed my hands and kissed you. I told you how miserable I was, how much I hurt. I hoped you would hold me, maybe touch me, rub on me a little. You didn't do any of that.

I hurt so bad, the left side of my body was so twisted, it felt like my tongue was paralyzed. I hurt so bad, I didn't know how I would get through homework and putting the kids to bed. Even though you had been home all day and evening, instead of helping me, talking to me, holding me, kissing me, anything, you got on myspace again. I read the kids a book, put them to bed.

You were still on the computer so I told them you would be in there with them a little. You were in there a long time. When you came out, tears were rolling down my face I was in so much pain. I looked at you, hoping you would see how much I needed you. You halfway glanced at me but paid no attention to me, to my pain.

I leaned against the heating paid, still crying periodically from my sore body. You sat down by my feet and casually let your hand rest on the blanket by my foot. Thats the closest you came to touching me. I longed for love. I longed for somebody to touch, massage me, or rub my arm, anything. You didn't talk to me although every now and and then I would make little tearful comments about the shows you were watching. There was nothing angry, mad, anything of that nature directed at you or anyone. Just a lonely woman in pain, desperate for someone to care.

You didn't. You paid no attention to me. I was so miserable, sore, itchy and sad, I couldn't sleep. I was up most of the night. You never noticed or cared about my tears. You didn't seem to care about me at all.

We talked about it on Tuesday night. You said you were "staying out of my way". "What", I thought? Staying out of my way? Why would someone think he needed to stay out of the way of someone in deep need of caring, someone who was sore and itchy from head to toe and needed desperately to feel a loving touch. When you said the thing about staying out of my way, it hurt me further and we stopped talking about it.

On Wednesday night you chose not to talk to me. I asked if you wanted to get something to eat, if you were hungry. You said you weren't hungry. Later, you left me and went somewhere. I guess you went to get yourself something to eat. I ate nothing.

You left me Thursday morning without a word. On Thursday evening, you said you had done nothing, that it was me who wasn't providing loving, that it was me who disliked you, that every 28 days I didn't like you....... You ignored and rewrote everything that had happened. I laid in bed and cried. I longed for your touch. I feel so lonely. You just don't love me enough to love me consistently. I read in my novel about a family in a car accident and how the father died, there on second, dead the next. I wanted so desperately to be touched by you.

I went into the living room. You were sleeping out there, choosing not to sleep with me. I wanted to feel your warmth so bad. I wanted you to love me so badly. I stood by you as you slept and cried and cried. Did I have the courage to just lie down beside you after everything that had happened? How you had neglected me, then denied it and blamed it on me? I wanted you so badly. I felt so lonely. Tears streamed down my face and I stared out the window. Finally I started to lie down beside you. As soon as my knee touched the couch, you startled and jumped up. It freaked me out so I sat in the chair, my crying renewed.

I sat there a long time, explaining how I wanted to lie down beside you. How I stood there and finally got the courage up. After some time, you got up. I thought since I had come to you and then you were startled by me, this time maybe you would come to me. Through all of this whatever it is, you haven't touched me once. I am so damn sad and lonely. I am desperate for touch.

You got up and my heart lightened. I thought you were coming to me. But - you walked on past me, you were just heeding your call of nature. No look at me, no brush across my knee on your way.

I went back to the bedroom. I sat there and cried so hard I couldn't stand it. You just said you don't want to fight anymore. You don't want to touch me, look at me, kiss me, and you see any of those things as a confrontation or a fight.

This isn't working for either of us. I feel unloved and you don't respect me. You don't think I am worthy of you even brushing your hand on me as you go piss!!!!!!!!!!!