Thursday, Oct. 4

Today was very strained. I have felt ill on and off the last few weeks, particularly the last few days. I feel very sick right now. We went out to dinner for my dad's birthday and we were able to pretend, if only for a bit, that things were ok. But once we got home, you pretty much went back to your distant self. I sat down by you a couple of times. You kept your arms tightly folded over your chest. I reached out to touch your hand and you seemed uninterested in my touch.

We went to bed. You said to me "I don't understand how my compliment turned into all of this." I said, I did something that you don't like and you again stopped loving me. You said "Oh god, give me a break". I started crying again. You said "I concede, I retreat, I concede I retreat".

Your lack of respect for me, lack of consideration, lack of compassion hurts me so. I began to cry hard and got ahold of myself before I embarrassed myself, shamed myself, in front of you again. You have so little compassion for me, are so cold toward me when I am sorrowful, it's like you are ashamed of me.

You said you liked what Thor wrote. You were reading what I wrote. I was commenting on the film, on what I wrote. The whole reason I blogged about movie was that I thought it odd that the writers found a cave devoid of smell when it is something I always found particularly fragrant. We talked about it a little. I stopped talking. You got the last word but had to again comment by saying "like I said, I was just giving you a compliment and it turned horribly bad". I am not sure where your compliment was supposed to lie. I was merely discussing what I had written (what you claim that you liked, I guess) and you ended up saying it had all gone horribly wrong. This entire exchange lasted only about 5 minutes.

I sat by you and held your hand, rubbed and massaged your arm and hand lovingly. Something about how I was talking about what I had written made you stop loving me and disrespecting me again.

Where is the love you are supposed to have for me? I've only seen it in fairly brief glimpses the last few weeks. As long as I stand in a corner and don't talk or look at you, you love me. If I do anything else, you act as if I've caused all these terrible things, causing you to have to withdraw, to withhold any love you claim you have for me. You act though all of this like your incredible disrespect for me, your lack of compassion and emotion toward me are all my fault. I gave you that look or said "let's order" or had a difference of opinion about cameras or reminded you it was my jewelry or ............. and you had to teach me a lesson, you had to punish me by withholding all positive emotions toward me. You claim its me because I was stubborn or obstinate by having that different than you.

You will never be happy with me until you make me into you or into a statue.