I hurt so bad

I didn't stop crying until this morning. I have cried a few times since then but not like the last few days. I laid in the floor last night and sobbed until there were no more tears.

I am so sad. Everything reminds me of you. Everything. I think of nothing but you. I wonder what you are doing all the time. I wonder if you are thinking about me, if you are wondering if you have done the right thing. I find myself begging God to get you to thinking the right way.

Maybe you are thinking that you have been wronged. How could I ask you to marry me while we were supposed to be living in Ashland? Thank God I didn't do some crazy reverse gender proposal thing. I actually entertained daydreams about asking you to marry me. Imagine me doing something wacky like that just so you could say no.

I have never wanted anything so badly than I want to see you and touch you. I want to shake you and make you realize how you are ruining everything. You can't make someone want to be with you, want you, want to love you. You can't make someone want to marry you.

I desperately want you to wake up tomorrow, realize your mistake and call me and tell me you want to do everything we talked about and you promised, after all. How low I must seem to you, how lacking in self respect for me to even admit this. I want you so bad, Jerry. Oh, God, I want you. There must not be a God, just as you said, for him to allow this to happen. I have never been so lonely. I told you I want to be married, not just live together in the next 1-2 years. You told me NO. You told me you weren't going to live with me. You took everything and left.

I miss you so badly. Oh, God, how I miss you. I guess if there is a God he is paying me back for what I did to Bill.