Are there some people who just aren't destined to be loved?

On Friday, you refused to let me take the heater, even though I felt I needed to. You just refused, gave your all powerful veto like I was some child. We went to gsp without the heater. We had a pretty good weekend, I spent lots of time caressing you, massaging you. How much time did you spend providing that to me?

On Sunday we came back. I looked bad because I had been outdoors in cold temperatures, wearing a knit cap, messed hair and all. I said I looked bad you agreed. On Monday, you took Camille to school for me which I very much appreciated. We had a shower together that morning because your work was rained out. I went to work, worked all day, left at 4:00, drove in the rain and picked the children up from Little Angels. I was uptight about getting to Raceland High School on time, it was raining very hard and very dreary. I wasn't sure where the event was supposed to be. It was raining very hard so I drove up Powell Lane and to Raceland on Lexington Ave., bypassing all the restaurants.

I had felt really poorly all day, the rain made it all seem worse. I had a significant headache, non stop cramps from my period, it felt like my bone marrow was being sucked out. I had an absolutely severe muscle spasm in my neck shoulder and upper back, through and under my shoulder blade. I hated the idea of the evening ahead, I hurt all over.

We got to the school and it was raining very hard. I had to make several trips in the rain to get all the crap in. I had my purse, my tote bag with book, camera, zune, makeup, Chloe's backpack, Chloe's dance bag, Camille, Camille's crayons, coloring books, purse, backpack, and a phonics pack. It was a lot of stuff, way too much. We got there and the stuff quickly got spread out everywhere.

They gave us Chloe's ballet costume to try on. She was the only one without one. They had ordered her a similar one, although short, on ebay. It was too tight. They were implying that I do lots of sewing to it. I couldn't even imagine how I could fix it. I could barely breathe, I was in so much pain, as they were talking about it.

I was also wet and freezing cold. I was shivering and holding my body rigid, which didn't help the muscle spasms. I itched from head to toe from the poison ivy. I called you on the phone, telling you how I hurt all over, how tired I was, how the kids were hungry. You volunteered to come back and pick up Chloe but I told you I had to stay, what we needed was food, help carrying, etc. You didn't volunteer for that.

After awhile Camille and Chloe got very hungry. I gathered Camille up and drove in what now was driving rain to the KFC near AK Steel. It seemed a very long drive. It was very very dark and rained so hard I could barely see. I got wet again going out to the car and I shivered on the drive. Camille fell asleep while I was in the drive through. There were so many families there, a mother and her mate. The man was fetching food, helping out, sitting with her.

Its not to be for me, is it? I will be a single mom, raising two kids alone with you thinking of yourself as simply sharing some living space. You would never allow a blended family, to think of it would betray your kids.

They messed up my order at the drive through. I had to wait while they repaired it. We drove in the driving rain back to the school. Camille was still asleep and it was raining very hard. I sat in the dark alone and fumbled through my KFC wrap, feeling sick, sore, lame and lonely. I couldn't wait to get home to you, have you touch me. I hoped you would rub my back although I secretly know you really hate doing that. After awhile the rain seemed to slack a little so I gathered the food (very unwieldy in its packaging) and grabbed sleeping Camille from the back seat.

It began raining hard again as soon as we started walking across the parking lot. She woke up and started crying. I made her walk and it was a chore getting her and the food to the door. All the doors were locked and we stood there, banging away, hoping somebody would come. When they did we took the food in and sat in the floor. Camille hated the food I had gotten for her, I had to go find her some ketchup before she would eat it. My back and neck hurt so bad I lay in the floor, it felt like a machete was embedded in my body. A few tears slid down my face, although we both know you have no compassion for my tears, they only make you dislike me more.

Chloe ate and we finished up the evening finally. I was miserable. Very cold, very very sore. My neck and back hurt so badly that I couldn't move my arm, it was drawn to one side. I whimpered. I couldn't wait to get home. The kids argued in the car, both were exhausted.

I came in the door. You sat on the couch. I made about 5 trips to and from the car while you just sat there. I put things away, freed my hands and kissed you. I told you how miserable I was, how much I hurt. I hoped you would hold me, maybe touch me, rub on me a little. You didn't do any of that.

I hurt so bad, the left side of my body was so twisted, it felt like my tongue was paralyzed. I hurt so bad, I didn't know how I would get through homework and putting the kids to bed. Even though you had been home all day and evening, instead of helping me, talking to me, holding me, kissing me, anything, you got on myspace again. I read the kids a book, put them to bed.

You were still on the computer so I told them you would be in there with them a little. You were in there a long time. When you came out, tears were rolling down my face I was in so much pain. I looked at you, hoping you would see how much I needed you. You halfway glanced at me but paid no attention to me, to my pain.

I leaned against the heating paid, still crying periodically from my sore body. You sat down by my feet and casually let your hand rest on the blanket by my foot. Thats the closest you came to touching me. I longed for love. I longed for somebody to touch, massage me, or rub my arm, anything. You didn't talk to me although every now and and then I would make little tearful comments about the shows you were watching. There was nothing angry, mad, anything of that nature directed at you or anyone. Just a lonely woman in pain, desperate for someone to care.

You didn't. You paid no attention to me. I was so miserable, sore, itchy and sad, I couldn't sleep. I was up most of the night. You never noticed or cared about my tears. You didn't seem to care about me at all.

We talked about it on Tuesday night. You said you were "staying out of my way". "What", I thought? Staying out of my way? Why would someone think he needed to stay out of the way of someone in deep need of caring, someone who was sore and itchy from head to toe and needed desperately to feel a loving touch. When you said the thing about staying out of my way, it hurt me further and we stopped talking about it.

On Wednesday night you chose not to talk to me. I asked if you wanted to get something to eat, if you were hungry. You said you weren't hungry. Later, you left me and went somewhere. I guess you went to get yourself something to eat. I ate nothing.

You left me Thursday morning without a word. On Thursday evening, you said you had done nothing, that it was me who wasn't providing loving, that it was me who disliked you, that every 28 days I didn't like you....... You ignored and rewrote everything that had happened. I laid in bed and cried. I longed for your touch. I feel so lonely. You just don't love me enough to love me consistently. I read in my novel about a family in a car accident and how the father died, there on second, dead the next. I wanted so desperately to be touched by you.

I went into the living room. You were sleeping out there, choosing not to sleep with me. I wanted to feel your warmth so bad. I wanted you to love me so badly. I stood by you as you slept and cried and cried. Did I have the courage to just lie down beside you after everything that had happened? How you had neglected me, then denied it and blamed it on me? I wanted you so badly. I felt so lonely. Tears streamed down my face and I stared out the window. Finally I started to lie down beside you. As soon as my knee touched the couch, you startled and jumped up. It freaked me out so I sat in the chair, my crying renewed.

I sat there a long time, explaining how I wanted to lie down beside you. How I stood there and finally got the courage up. After some time, you got up. I thought since I had come to you and then you were startled by me, this time maybe you would come to me. Through all of this whatever it is, you haven't touched me once. I am so damn sad and lonely. I am desperate for touch.

You got up and my heart lightened. I thought you were coming to me. But - you walked on past me, you were just heeding your call of nature. No look at me, no brush across my knee on your way.

I went back to the bedroom. I sat there and cried so hard I couldn't stand it. You just said you don't want to fight anymore. You don't want to touch me, look at me, kiss me, and you see any of those things as a confrontation or a fight.

This isn't working for either of us. I feel unloved and you don't respect me. You don't think I am worthy of you even brushing your hand on me as you go piss!!!!!!!!!!!

On Friday we went to GSP. I didn't want to go. I didn't want to go anywhere. I wanted to lie in my bed all weekend and cry. I didn't want to be near you. You had been hurting me so much without seeming to care. It was more than I could stand. I felt far from you, alienated from you, and you didn't seem to want to deal with the problem. Everything in my body hurt, I felt very sick. If you don't stop being like this to me, I will die.

You convinced me to go to gsp though. You asked me very gently and very kindly. I went although I felt really sick all over. I'd had a headache for two days and my joints hurt.

We drove to Goshen to get the kids without talking much. You asked if I wanted to talk about the problem but it was hard to talk in the car. It was hot out and we had the windows down, the wind was noisy. After we picked up the kids we stopped at Wendys to get food. I felt like an outsider intruding on your family at Wendys and much of the evening. You didn't seem to like me, I haven't seemed to make you happy, although you asked me to marry you, you've merely mumbled once in a month anything about a marriage, a wedding.

We were in the gsp kitchen when crazy cavers came up and I asked Dalene if she knew Kevin Downs. We were talking about bad cave leaders, she lives in Louisville and is a Louisville grotto member and I thought I might be able to get her opinion about him. As I was talking about him and my roppel experience, you started walking out of the room. I could tell by the way you walked, the set of your shoulders, that you had shut me out again. Because I mentioned Kevin Downs in an appropriate conversation so I could complain about him. What little progress we had made, you shut down and backed figuratively away from me again. I saw what you were doing. I thought I could stop it before it started, so I called you over so I could show you I love you even when you do this crap to me. You finally walked over and stood there for a second before leaving me again. You stopped looking at me and talking to me. I felt really terrible again. We went to the cabin to get ready for bed. You were outside and I tried to talk to you. I asked you what was up. You wouldn't talk to me, you barely looked at me. It made me so upset. The little hope I had built up that you were beginning to understand was gone.

I felt lonely, an outsider to you and your kids, unloved, I started to cry so I begain walking to the showerhouse in the dark. I didn't know what I would do after that. I just knew I couldn't let the kids see me like that and I felt really bad. I sat down in the showerhouse, feeling that there was no way we were going to work. I felt like you didn't like me enough to tolerate anything you wouldn't do or say. This attitude freaks me out. To think that anyone on earth would believe that everytime another person does or says something you wouldn't do or say. The only way you would be happy is a planet full of Jerrys.

You seem to tolerate all kinds of things from other people but if I say "let's order", if I allow the kids to do something I find acceptable with pizza, if I walk upstairs without your permission, if my opinion about multi-piece rims is different than yours, if I look at you funny, if I am passionate in my dislike of Walmart, if I am anything different, you become sullen and withdrawn, hostile, silent, and I become desperately lonely and sad. It feels like you only love me when I am robotically like you.

Friday, October 5

You actually are blaming me outwardly for your two days of hostility and disrespect toward me. Jerry, you can't possibly love, like, care for me and treat me like that. Do you honestly think a 5 minute conversation about cave smell is worth treating somebody like that?

I have begged you and begged you not to shut me off, stop loving me, stop giving me the cold shoulder and stop making me cry just because I do one little thing you don't like. You don't have the right to treat me like this.

I can't take this anymore. If I don't keep my mouth shut and don't look at you, you don't love me.

I think maybe we made a mistake. You just don't love or like or respect me enough to treat me like you love me. You can't seem to let me be a person. If I do something, however slight, that you don't like, I get days and days of hostility. I can't feel unloved like this all the time. I am very unhappy. I am pretty sure you can't possibly really want a relationship with me and treat me like this. I know you can't possibly love me that much and treat me like this.

You just keep hurting me and don't care one bit.

Thursday, Oct. 4

Today was very strained. I have felt ill on and off the last few weeks, particularly the last few days. I feel very sick right now. We went out to dinner for my dad's birthday and we were able to pretend, if only for a bit, that things were ok. But once we got home, you pretty much went back to your distant self. I sat down by you a couple of times. You kept your arms tightly folded over your chest. I reached out to touch your hand and you seemed uninterested in my touch.

We went to bed. You said to me "I don't understand how my compliment turned into all of this." I said, I did something that you don't like and you again stopped loving me. You said "Oh god, give me a break". I started crying again. You said "I concede, I retreat, I concede I retreat".

Your lack of respect for me, lack of consideration, lack of compassion hurts me so. I began to cry hard and got ahold of myself before I embarrassed myself, shamed myself, in front of you again. You have so little compassion for me, are so cold toward me when I am sorrowful, it's like you are ashamed of me.

You said you liked what Thor wrote. You were reading what I wrote. I was commenting on the film, on what I wrote. The whole reason I blogged about movie was that I thought it odd that the writers found a cave devoid of smell when it is something I always found particularly fragrant. We talked about it a little. I stopped talking. You got the last word but had to again comment by saying "like I said, I was just giving you a compliment and it turned horribly bad". I am not sure where your compliment was supposed to lie. I was merely discussing what I had written (what you claim that you liked, I guess) and you ended up saying it had all gone horribly wrong. This entire exchange lasted only about 5 minutes.

I sat by you and held your hand, rubbed and massaged your arm and hand lovingly. Something about how I was talking about what I had written made you stop loving me and disrespecting me again.

Where is the love you are supposed to have for me? I've only seen it in fairly brief glimpses the last few weeks. As long as I stand in a corner and don't talk or look at you, you love me. If I do anything else, you act as if I've caused all these terrible things, causing you to have to withdraw, to withhold any love you claim you have for me. You act though all of this like your incredible disrespect for me, your lack of compassion and emotion toward me are all my fault. I gave you that look or said "let's order" or had a difference of opinion about cameras or reminded you it was my jewelry or ............. and you had to teach me a lesson, you had to punish me by withholding all positive emotions toward me. You claim its me because I was stubborn or obstinate by having that different than you.

You will never be happy with me until you make me into you or into a statue.

Thursday, September 27

B.A. came to visit. I was very tired after Tammy Jo's but talked with you two, waited on you, fixed you chili. In front of B.A. you started talking about all the Walmarts you have been to and how Ashland's was the worst. You said how you there must be something bad in the water of the people of Ashland. I said nothing bu surely you could tell on those several occasions before when you have talked badly about the town I am from that I don't care for it. Don't you respect me enough to stop putting down in a very graphic way the group of which I am a member? I said nothing nevertheless. B.A. wasn't looking at me but I looked at you to show you I didn't care for the conversation. You gave me a look of hostility back - "how dare I show you with my face I didn't want you saying the people of Ashland are mutants".

Later when I was doing my work in the living room and you and B.A. were talking about the cave pearls, you omitted any reference to my participation, to my being in the cave, to the fact that I actually was there and selected it. Then you said that you charged Jarrett with returning them to the cave after you were gone. Whether you meant after you were gone and Jarrett would take them from me or after we both were gone and Jarrett would take them from my children, you were commanding Jarrett to do something, to take back the silver wrapping of my gift. As to the cave pearls themselves - Yes, you babied me in order for me to get there. Yes, I would not have been there if not for you. But does that mean that you have the right to tell Jarrett to take something back from me or my children? It felt like you have such little respect for me that you could take any property you wanted from me because I wasn't a person.

You and I talked about that before and I told you it made feel feel uncomfortable. Jarrett comes to my children after I have died and says "My dad told me I had to take them away from you because my dad helped your mom get there and paid to have silver wire around them for your mom's birthday. He told me I had to take them away from you and put them back in the cave. I don't care if they are special to you because you saw your mom wearing them all the time. I don't care how it makes you feel for me to pry the out of your hands. I don't care that they don't belong to my dad or to me. My dad told me to take them from you and I am going to do it."

The implications of what you keep saying made me feel insignificant, unimportant, disrespected. I felt compelled to remind you that I was there, that one of the pearls for the earrings and the big pearl I had selected, I had chosen, I was there. I reminded you that it was my jewelry.

You withdrew from me. I was feeling very needy of you that night. I was feeling nervous and upset about work and I needed to be touched. I needed you. I needed tlc. But because I acted like a human being and looked at you and said the jewelry was mine, you withdrew from me. Stopped looking at me, stopped interacting with me, closed yourself off to me. It upset me so bad. I felt terrible. You stayed in the kids room at the computer. I came after you, thinking that maybe I could talk you into touching me. You were looking at the gsp pictures with what other people have found had witty labels. You had no expression on your face but disgust. I touched your shoulder. You didn't respond. I saw the look on your face. My very presence was disgusting you. I felt a lump in my throat and felt tears in my eyes so I went back in the living room. I worked some more. You stayed away. After quite some time, you came out, avoided looking me in the eye. You brushed your lips against the top of my head and said you were going to bed.

I didn't know what to think. I worked about another half hour but felt so sad, unhappy and tired, thought I would go sleep for a few hours and then get up very early. When I went to bed though, you were snoring loudly and consistently. I knew I only had about 4 hours before I got up and thought I would go sleep in the couch for a bit. You came out there and made me cry. You made me sob hard and stood over me saying "is this how it's gonna be?" "What do you mean"?, I asked, "how what's gonna be?" "You know what I mean", you said, how this is gonna be." I cried hard, confused and upset, by you wouldn't stop saying it. You were mean and angry and wouldn't stop. It hurt me so. I still don't understand.

Saturday, September 29

I felt really weird and strange about Thursday night for a couple of days. You just said, "let's just forget about it, ok?" I was shocked that you would just forget about it after how you treated me but I wanted so badly for you to stop being so far away from me, I wanted so badly not to feel desperately sad, I agreed. Little by little I forgot about it even though I knew better than to let myself be vulnerable again.

I was feeling close to you as we watched movies late Saturday night. All the while I felt close to you, warning lights were flashing, reminding me that I shouldn't let my love for you make me vulnerable.

{Memories of how mad you got at me when I gave you a look of disapproval when you said all of us Ashland people are mutants and then told you the jewelry was mine when B.A. was visiting were still with me. The way you acted that night. How terrible you treated me when I let myself have some personhood status. I can't even believe that one who claims to love another could care so little for her that when she gives him a look of disapproval and reminds you that she is a person, you feel justified in standing over her as she sobs pitifully and saying "Is this how it's gonna be?" repeatedly. You never explained yourself. You never apologized. You treated me like this and then withdrew and stopped talking to me. I could not shake the feeling that you will never be happy with me unless I stand in a corner, don't look at you and keep my mouth shut. You never addressed anything that happened that night, never said a word about it, still haven't. The problem is that these things happen far too often. Every few days, I will be feeling optimistic about us and give you a look, say something, move my right pinkie when you think I shouldn't and the next thing you know, you hate me again. You say you never hate me, that you always love me. Whether that is true or not, if you don't treat me with love and respect then it doesn't matter, does it?

Since you never addressed what happened that night and it was
Telling me to go back to guarded status. These thoughts were with me much of Saturday. It was why I got so upset when my vertical fear wouldn't let me rappel. It upset me that I let my fear win but mostly because I was afraid you would be disappointed in me or get mad at me. When I was at the lip, you were not your usual warm, "talk you over" self. You just stood there waiting for me. You said very little and would barely even look at me. I felt so upset.

You asked me Saturday night what was on my mind. I was troubled and have been at how easily you get mad at me and act hostile and withdrawn toward me. Maybe you love me but you either don't like me or respect me enough to let me have my own personality. I can't relax and be myself for fear of making you mad at me again.

When we talked about this, instead of you thinking about what I was saying and caring enough about me, about our relationship to realize this destructive pattern, you just blamed me. You said I was this and that, that I was the same..etc. You became withdrawn again because I had brought it up.


As soon as it seems things are great between us, I do the smallest thing and you treat me with hostility and disrespect. You tell me I do the same to you. I have never treated you with hostility and disrespect


Sunday, September 30

Bill sent the kids home in slippers. You said I should call him right away about it. It was 9:15 p.m., he had just left. He wasn't about to bring the shoes right back. Calling him would do nothing but make me feel more upset. I felt stressed and hormonal. I said I would call him but not right then. You kept saying I should call him, over and over. I said I didn't want to. You kept telling me to call him over and over. "Please", I said, "I don't want to right now". You wouldn't stop demanding that I call, just because you wanted me to. "Jerry", I said "I am a person."

You stayed away from me the rest of the evening, withdrawn, not talking to me. You were mad at me. Why? I don't know. I don't know if you were ultimately mad because I reminded you I am a person or because I would not do what you wanted. It hurt me.

Monday, October 1 and Tuesday, October 2

I still feel weird about how you treated me on Sunday night. I feel alienated from you. I don't feel close to you. You say you love me.

I fainted at Tammy Jos in a very embarrassing way Tuesday night and felt terrible, physically and emotionally.

Wednesday, October 3

I stayed home from work because I felt bad. I felt upset, physically ill, fatigured. You came home and handed me an email from Thor. You said you were proud to know us but you never said why you were proud about me. We were discussing what I wrote and I told you that I believed the book or screen writers of Perfume had little if any cave experience because caves are not absent of smell like dead stone. On the contrary, they were pungent, filled with the strong smells of fertile earth, mud, dampness. A cave has a very distinctive smell, so much that soap is made to remind cavers of the smell. You told me how stupid the soap was. I said nothing else. You said, "like I said, I was trying to give you a compliment and it went horribly wrong". I said nothing else. I just looked at you with confusion. You went in the living room. I went and sat by you. I held your hands, rubbed them, loved on them. You got up and then turned on the dryer. Just as we were about to try to shower together (I was willing to even though my body was a wreck), the dryer buzzed and I had to deal with the clothes. You went ahead and showered without me while I dealt with the clothes. I showered and then went in the living room. You didn't talk to me, look at me, address me, anything. You were withdrawn and gone from me again "still loving me" like you claim although I couldn't find any traces of it. You came out to the living room and said you were thinking of eating, was I interested or anything. You refused to look at me. I asked what you had in mind, what you were thinking of. You respected me so little, you didn't even acknowledge my question. You left the room.

I sat there feeling lonely, said, unwanted, unloved. It has become a very familiar feeling. I was in the living room alone for an hour or so. I came several times to the room and stood in the doorway. You would not look at me. I said "I thought you were getting something to eat". You said "you didn't take me up on it" or something like that. I said "I asked you what you had in mind". You didn't respond. I went back in the living room. After about a half hour I came back to the room and looked in. You weren't using the computer, just sitting there. You loathed me so much you would rather just sit in front of an inactive computer screen than be in the same room. You were waiting until I vacated the living room, apparently, so you could watch tv. I went to the bedroom. Sure enough, you went in the living room and watched tv. I felt terrible. I read for awhile in bed and turned out the light. You came in the room a couple of times but did not speak to me.

I fixed myself a pbj and ate it in the floor of Camille's room since I knew if I stayed in the room with you, in the kitchen, you would feel like I drove you out of the room. I was so sick to my stomach, I had such a dry mouth and big knot in my throat, I could barely swallow. I felt ugly, fat, sick, unloved, unwanted.

Finally I fell asleep. You told me you loved me this morning when you left. I told you back. It's the first words you had spoken to me in 12 hours. How can you tell me you love me when you purposefully and repeatedly withhold love everytime I do something you don't like?

You don't have to like everything I do, but it is important that you love who I am. For example, you may not like what I do, but that is simply my behavior. We might disagree about my decisions or my actions, but if your heart is open, you cannot dump your own values, beliefs and especially your fear, onto me. What you I do or don't do may not make you want to be close to me right then, but you should still be compassionate toward me.

Love is not something you do, Love is a way of being. And more than that. It is simply being, Being with another person, however they may be. Holding no judgments, having no agendas, No desire to control, No need to prove your love, No intrusion upon their soul. Nothing but a total acceptance of their being, Born of your acceptance of yours.

Withholding love can be almost as bad as not loving someone, for anyone, but especially for sensitive or insecure individuals or those who haven't known much love. In such a case, a willingness to ignore your mate's tears over a foolish mistake in order to punish her can make her feel unloved. Expressing unconditional love includes reassurance. Another example is forgiving hurts. If your spouse has hurt your feelings, you don't instantly stop loving him or her, so you shouldn't try to make your mate feel that way.

• I don't know how I can go on.
• I don't know how I can stop crying.
• I don't know how I can sleep.
• I don't know how I can act normal when inside I am screaming.
• I don't know how I can take of two children alone when I hurt so bad.
• I don't know how I can life my life without you.
• I don't know how I can get up in the morning.
• I don't know how I can argue my case tomorrow.
• I don't know how I can hold my life together.
• I don't know how I can ever care about myself again.

I don't know how you can tell me you love me and then say "I can't marry you because I would betray my kids.

I don't know how you can tell me you want me and then tell me you need an indefinte time away from me because you have hurt me.

I don't know how you can keep hurting me like this when you promised me you wouldn't.

I don't know how you can tell me you love me the same way I love you.

You heard me sob so hard I couldn't breathe and you responded with nothingness.

I am having one of the hardest times in my life:

• my father's illness
• my work and my fathers
• your lack of love and wanting for me
• such pain I want to die
• no sleep
• my eyes are red, swollen
• I hurt so bad
• Chloe's birthday
• Chloe's dance
• Getting me and two little kids alone to Florida and back because you chose a life without me.
• feeling like no one in the world cares or loves me
• I wish I had to courage to die.
• All the Karst O Rama stuff
• I am responsible for getting all the volunteers for the rkc booth
• I am responsible for the kids activities at kor
• Did you do anything at all to help me with any of this
• My grass needed cutting with you last stayed with me. You sat on your rear and brooded for days (after I had apologized repeatedly). You sat there while I cleaned. Now I have to cut the grass.
• I am ill I am so hurt by you.
• Why can't you care about me for once? Why can't you love me?

WHY DOESN'T ANYONE CARE WHETHER I LIVE OR DIE

WHY DON'T YOU CARE ABOUT ME

I don't think you read this anymore. I know you haven't posted for a long time. I felt sad today because you talked about going back to work. It reminded me how far your "comfort" period is from where I thought we were headed.

During your comfort period you don't talk about us having a future together too much and you haven't mentioned marriage in any way at all. I felt blue when you told me that Chris bought Tara an engagement ring. At the end of your comfort time, I still don't know what would happen. All you would say is then you would probably move in with me and the rest was washed out with a wave of ambiguity. On April 1 you said you had a job and would move in a couple of weeks. I mentioned marriage which is the thing you do when you love someone but you say you can't marry me which tore me into a million pieces.

The next thing I know you say you don't know me, you can't think straight and now you need months and months of comfort time before anything can happen with us. (It feels like maybe you thought you stopped loving me and you need this stalled time so you can decide if it is really true so you can dump me on your own terms). You say need this stalled relationship (after I was hurt really bad) comfort time so that you can....(I really don't know)....remind yourself of something.

At the end of your months and months of comfort time, we will be right back where we started. So by me mentioning marriage, all that happened was you got 6 more months of putting me off in every way.

I felt very sad today and you said your comfort time was over. I just felt sad. This may be what you want.......more of this long distance relationship, but I wanted what most people want when they are in love. I think maybe we really do feel differently about each other.

I don't understand you.

I can't understand why you would ask me to give you time to think and wiggle; why you would ask me to keep hope alive - - - and then tell me that Hound Dog said "If you wind up divorcing her, you'll lose your shirt".

I hoped that you told me this because you were letting me know you had conveyed to him an intention to marry me. You not so carefully quickly lifted me of this hope.

So, why did you make a point of telling me something so negative?

I hurt so bad

I didn't stop crying until this morning. I have cried a few times since then but not like the last few days. I laid in the floor last night and sobbed until there were no more tears.

I am so sad. Everything reminds me of you. Everything. I think of nothing but you. I wonder what you are doing all the time. I wonder if you are thinking about me, if you are wondering if you have done the right thing. I find myself begging God to get you to thinking the right way.

Maybe you are thinking that you have been wronged. How could I ask you to marry me while we were supposed to be living in Ashland? Thank God I didn't do some crazy reverse gender proposal thing. I actually entertained daydreams about asking you to marry me. Imagine me doing something wacky like that just so you could say no.

I have never wanted anything so badly than I want to see you and touch you. I want to shake you and make you realize how you are ruining everything. You can't make someone want to be with you, want you, want to love you. You can't make someone want to marry you.

I desperately want you to wake up tomorrow, realize your mistake and call me and tell me you want to do everything we talked about and you promised, after all. How low I must seem to you, how lacking in self respect for me to even admit this. I want you so bad, Jerry. Oh, God, I want you. There must not be a God, just as you said, for him to allow this to happen. I have never been so lonely. I told you I want to be married, not just live together in the next 1-2 years. You told me NO. You told me you weren't going to live with me. You took everything and left.

I miss you so badly. Oh, God, how I miss you. I guess if there is a God he is paying me back for what I did to Bill.

So much for always keeping a hand on me, huh?

I waited a year and a half for you to tell me that you can't marry me unless I live in Cincinnati.

I am so so so in love with you. I hurt so bad I want to die.

I miss you too, Baby

Thank you for loving me Baby. I very much enjoyed being with you at GSP this weekend. Between the Scout chaos and everything else, we didn't get to be as close as we are use to. I will try to make it up to you this weekend. Don't be surprised if I don't let you out of my sight and keep a hand on you most of the time. I need and very much enjoy being close to you.
Thank you again for loving me. I love you so very much.

Miss you

I enjoyed being at GSP this weekend and watching you scamper up the rope with only your feet and hands. Camille, Chloe and I talked about it on the way home. As soon as we got to Winchester or so, Camille told me that she missed you. I missed you and I miss you now. I love you. Hope to see you soon.

I miss you

My darling, Jerry. I miss you so. All I have to do is close my eyes and I see your face. I can remember so many details of it. I know where the white hairs are in your beard. I know the shape of your ears, nose. I can imagine myself tracing your lips with my finger tips.

I am lonely without you. I need you my love. (I hope that you will write something here).

Until....

Last Night

Thank you for last night darling. Our love making was wonderful. I had a terrific need for you, to feel your body against man, to press my lips against yours, to experience your warmth. I wanted so badly to feel you inside me. I love you so very much. Making love with you is beyond words. It's sensuality, love, intense physicality, connection. It's everything that making love should be, plus so much more. Last night, I experienced you to an extreme. Your body, your lips, your smell, your cock. My orgasms were incredible, they radiated so deeply inside me.