Sleeping with you

I mean really sleeping... The other is wonderful, amazing, and powerfully intense but I mean really sleeping. I love to sleep beside you. I love to fall asleep next to you. I love to wake next to you. In between, I especially love waking in the middle of the night and searching to find your warmth. To reach out with some part of my body until I find some part of you in the dark. The best is when you make one of your little noises when I touch you. It lets me know you enjoy my being there & being touched. Thank you
I love you so very much

My Love

I am in the room with Camille, waiting unpatiently while she goes to sleep. I click my fingers hard on some of the keyboard letters, letters like o and l and m - and the left arrow stick sometimes. (Remember the pop I spilled? You told me it would cause problems.) Camille is drifting off to sleep, I am drifting off to unconsciousness.

Baby, I love you so much that if I allow the full affect of it to fall on me like I veil, I can't breathe, I think I will collapse. As ridiculous as that may sound, it's very true. You mean so much to me.

I have completely given up any fight for you to obtain justice in your divorce - and I guess I have given up any hope for any particular outcome ever. You have blocked my questions, hopes, demands, prayers, - with vague simple ideas of things to come when I worked my ass off, bared my throat, gave up everything for you.

I love you completely. I am in this endeavor for the term. I just didn't realize that in giving up my life, my things, my security, everything I have known, my marriage, my children's life, and planning to move my children to another city, far away from everything they have ever known, that I was also taking your wife as another child of yours. You told me tonight that you cannot distinguish between your wife and your kids and I guess that explains everything. They are all the innocent child victims and I am the villain.

I hurt so because of all of this. You will never understand.

I will give everything I have to you.

I love you too baby.

I love you very much, I miss you, I need you. I am looking forward to spending the weekend with you. I am looking foward to hanging around with you and your monkeys. Thank you for the exquisite love making on Monday morning. It was exquisite, beautiful. My body was so in tune to you. You are an incredible sexual partner, so giving, so loving, so physical and sexual and crazy and into it. Oh my!

On a serious note - turn away and don't read if you don't want a downer - I am feeling pretty scared, panicky and sad that you and Sandy are still married, still haven't filed for divorce. I've been struggling with it pretty hard the last week or so. My journal entries have been filled with my thoughts about it; they are sometimes sad, often filled with anger. I know you won't have filed by your separation anniversary date. I already feel very sick about thoughts of it. Pretty soon you and Sandy will have a 17th wedding anniversary. Thoughts of that upset me too. My feelings complete teeter-totter between extreme emotion and numbness. Will you make it to 18? Maybe. I have so much pain and so much anger.