Where are You?

How coud you just leave me one day and that day no longer have any emotion for me?    I still love you and I miss you.   I miss your breakfasts, I miss your touch, I miss your jokes, and mostly I miss making love with you, snuggling in the bed with you.   I hope you never find even close to the same kind of sexual compatibility again.  If fact, I curse any relationship you have, I curse it with all bad sexual outcomes.

Need

I have such a tremendous need to make love with you, feel you inside me, touch you, smell you.   I love you so much still and it hurts me so badly that you just stopped loving me one day.   I hate you for that.

Now

It has haunted me how you took the condoms from the medicine cabinet when you left.  I have nightmares about what you are doing with them.  Love for you has a very short expiration date, doesn't it?

I still love you.  I wish with all my might that I didn't.   I know you are seeing TO and that is why you left me and never even wanted to have anything to do with me again.

In your marriage with George, after you two separated you still saw her almost every day for months and then on a very regular basis after that.  

You left me and never wanted to see or talk to me again.   I know that it's because you have somebody else and you just stopped loving me one day.   It hurts so badly

I HATE YOU FOR THIS.

Monday, Dec. 6

This weekend was bad.  I was lonely and I felt so sad.   I cried a lot.  I am crying still, right now.   I hadn't heard anything from him in 2 weeks or more and then I got a brief email asking me to hurry up and get the divorce done.

It made me so upset.   I know without a doubt that he is seeing somebody else or it wouldn't be a priority.

He was married to someone else for years and wouldn't do anything to get divorced, and it nearly killed me.  

He is such a jerk.  I know he definately doesn't love me now but I don't think he ever did.  

I imagine when he gets the decree around Christmas, he and his new lover will celebrate and then make fun of me and my sorrow....
Please God let me HATE him, please, take away all good feelings.  

I hurt

I am hurting so bad tonight.   The pain just keeps going and going.   It was so awful the way he treated me a couple of weeks ago when we had lunch...it's like he went out of his way to rip some stuff out of my heart.   I was looking down at my food sobbing and he just kept going on and on.   He complained about how I unfriended him on facebook (after he told me he no longer wanted any relationship with me...except that he said ...someday....maybe in the future....someday.....we could have a conversation again...or something like that.   He told me he wanted nothing to do with me otherwise and it seemed like he was blocking me from seeing his facebook so I unfriend him so I could stop myself from checking over and over to see if there was anything new. 

Days after I unfriended him (only because it seemed he had already sorta done that), I got another request from an old boy friend to be his facebook friend.  I accepted it.  Remember, Jerry said he wanted no more relationship with me and he was no longer my facebook friend.

Why would he care who was or wasn't a contact on facebook since he didn't even want to talk to me on the phone anymore, we weren't friends on facebook and he didn't want me.

He has been mean to the extreme.   He either has no contact or kicks me when I am down...and I am so so down.

I actually asked a guy at the studio if he wanted to be a simple friend to hang out with at an occasional movie or something and he totally blew me off.

As if I hadn't felt bad enough about things.

J has had no contact with me.

I know he has somebody else.  

I know how he is.   He wouldn't even pretend to date me until he asked his wife 6 to 8 months after she kicked him out and she gave him her blessings.   That's the way he does things.

I hate him and I love him.  I hope hate wins out soon.

Yesterday

I told him that he left a bag of clothes in the kitchen and asked what he intended to do with them.   He drove 6 hours round trip for a bag of old long johns.  He came to town and called me on the phone.  First time and I guess only time he called me with his number revealed.

He told me he was in town to get his bag.  I asked if I could see him.   He said no.

I begged him to have intimate relations with him every way I knew how, humiliating myself.  He said no.

I am pathetic.

I sent him a text message later and asked him to reconsider having sex with me, even though he doesn't want me anymore.  Sex was great between us and why not have sex every now and then.   I want no other man.   He never wrote back.

I sent him a text tonight and asked if he might just want to talk to me.   I asked him to text if he did.   I never heard from him.

I get the message. . .no message.   

I know that I miss him so badly I will use his number and he will hate me more.   So I had my daughter delete his number from my phone and call history.

I lived and still loved a man for  five years who treated my children like gnats and who thought of me as a crutch to help him pay his way.   When it finally got to me and I blew like a volcano after years and years of begging, he decided he was done.   He never said much about the money, just said it was all my fault about the kids because I wouldn't let him do things his way.   ....like that explains why he would sit in a room with one of the girls and just occasionally say something negative like he was swatting at the gnat.

I still love him.

Stupid, stupid me.

Stupid.